The Monotony of Monogamy

 
I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

That's right ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only, Wise Pohl has returned to Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia after a developmental hiatus for Broshack.com.

And for my triumphant return, what better post than my 2005 Phobies:


Best Use of Balls in a Movie:
Dodgeball - so simple, yet so brilliant

Best Movie About Sexism In the Workplace:
Anchorman - It's Anchorman! Not Anchorwoman!

Best Movie I Definately Shouldn't Have Gone to See the Village Over:
Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle - what was I thinking? I dont even know

Best Use of an Airport:
Terminal - one of the few movies I saw twice in the theaters

Best Use of a Taxi:
Collateral - gotta love that Tom Cruise fellow

Worst Use of a Taxi:
Taxi - Jimmy was better on SNL, and that isnt saying much

Best (Ab)use of a Child [Comedy]:
Meet the Fockers - Assssssss Hoooooooooooooole

Best Use of a Child [Attempted Horror]:
Dakota Fanning in Hide and Seek - that girl is just creepy, but in a good way that makes her lots of money

Best Use of Demons / Hell / Things of that Nature:
Constantine
'Good Effort' Awards to: Van Helsing and HellBoy

Best Use of Stories to Hide the Truth:
Hero
Announcer Hero also won Phobies for Best Use of Colors and Best Movie In a Foreign Language

Worst Plot Twists Ever:
The Village - my oh my, were those ever stupid. Way to ruin a halfway decent movie.

Best Plot Twists:
Saw - this one actually kept me guessing . . . for a while
Announcer Saw also won the Phobies for Best Movie Named After an Item Commonly Found in the Toolshed and Best Reason(s) Given to Trust No One

Best Overfocusing on Sexuality:
Alexander - cut out the gay crap and it would be a decent 1:30 movie

Best Superhero(es) in a Movie:
Sorry Spidey, this one goes to The Incredibles
'Good Effort' Award to Spiderman 2

Best Use of a Pet Cemetery:
Garden State - a bit weird, but still good

Best Use of Anti-Personnel Mines:
Punisher - cuz its such a sweet calling card

Best Use of a Cricket Bat:
Shaun of the Dead
Announcer Shaun of the Dead also won Phobies for Best Use of the Phrase "Cock it" and Best Comedy Involving Zombies.

Best Movie About a Historical Figure:
The Aviator
'Good Effort' Award goes to Alexander

Worst Spin-Off-esque Movie:
Alien Vs. Predator - why did they make this move? Ah yes, money

Best Movie with a Hidden Agenda:
The Day After Tomorrow - damn liberals
'Good Effort' Award to Sponge Bob Square Pants - they claimed he was gay, and after this movie, Ill believe it

Best Movie Involving Robots:
I, Robot - killer robots > friendly robots, hence
'Good Effort' Award to Robots

Best Swordplay In a Movie:
Kill Bill Volume 2 - Hatori Hanzo swords kick ass
'Good Effort' Award to Hero

Worst Deviation from the Prequel Award:
Ring 2 - how can it be a Ring movie without "7 Days" and basically no shots of the ring?

The 'It Should Have Ended an Hour Ago Award' :
No way - A three way tie? How can this be!
The Aviator, Hide and Seek, and Alexander all should have and could have been cut down roughly an hour and made a better movie of

The 'Hey, This Isnt Home Alone; Why is Macaulay Culkin Here?' Award:
Saved! - I dont know what's funnier: MC as a sweet kid with booby traps, or MC as a decrepit quazi-rebellious teen in a wheel chair - oh wait, yes I do. Do yourself a favor, Kevin, hop in a time machine, go back to when you were a kid, and make more Home Alone movies.

The 'I Really Should Have Seen This In Theaters' Awards:
Kill Bill Volume 2, Harold & Kumar, and Troy - only one of these was missed by choice. You're bright, let's see if you can figure it out.

Most Overrated Movie of the Year Award:
Napolean Dynamite - yea, I said it

Best Animated Film of the Year:
The Incredibles
'Good Effort' Awards to Shrek 2 and Polar Express

Best Soundtrack:
Team America: World Police - great movie, great songs, get it when it comes out on DVD
'Good Effort' Award to The Phantom of the Opera - the Music of the Night is quite compelling

Most Forgettable Movie:
Darkness - This movie was so forgetable, I had to go look at my review just to find out what the hell this movie was about. Usually I have some semblance of a memory about a movie, even if it was horrible, but not this one.

Worst Attempts at Horror Movies:
Ring 2, Cursed, Boogey Man, Darkness, (didnt see Grudge or White Noise, but Im assuming they belong here as well)

Worst Non-"Horror" Movie of the Year:
Its so hard to pick just one, so instead, I will list them in alphabetical order:
Alexander
Envy
HellBoy
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
The Village
If you dont see any movies this year, make it those 5.

Best Movie of the Year:
I've got to agree with Koz and Balch on this one - Kill Bill Volume 2. Great plot, great action, great movie.
'Good Effort' Awards to (in no particular order) Hero, The Incredibles, Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle, Saw, Team America: World Police


Well, that's our show, folks. Hope you enjoyed it. Now stay tuned for your local news.

Coming up, at 11: A local man loses his testicles in a freak butcher shop accident. And later, how you can help prevent forest fires. But we'll start out our show with a segment entitled "How To Live Healthier." Step 1 - eat less and better. Step 2 - exercise more. Step 3 - Get off youre fat ass and do something. More, after this commercial break.


posted by Dave at 7:30 PM