The Monotony of Monogamy

 
THe 2nd Annual Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia movie award spectacular!
Truly America's Greatest Honor

So many crappy movies where o where to begin?

Worst Special Effects in a Movie
And The Phoby goes to... The Medallion for the best sound ever
Honorable Mention... The Rundown for that explosion walk away scene, so craptascular

The That Remind Me of Kelly Award
And The Phoby goes to... Kelly actually was in Phone Booth so this was a no brainer, the whore
Honorable Mention... Zombie, yes she is a biter, at least thats what i hear

Most Nudity in a Movie Thats NOT Porn
And The Phoby goes to... Better Luck Tomorrow hookers galore
Honorable Mention... Dawn of the Dead, sure its not quantity but it is pointless

Best Use of a Circular Object Award In a Movie Award
And The Phoby goes to... Holes for roking the kazzbot
Honorable Mention... Lord of The Rings ROTK, a small little indie flick uve probly never heard of

The That IS Justin Award
And The Phoby goes to... That guy from Dawn of the Dead if u know "Where have u guys been?"
Honorable Mention... Zombie from Dawn of the Dead, if only they did less running

Most Things That Had to do with X-men in a Movie Award
And The Phoby goes to... X2 for being about Xmen
Honorable Mention...

Hey Thats Not Right Award
And The Phoby goes to... Freakish hybrid baby in Dawn of the Dead
Honorable Mention... Jersey Girl for being not right

Best Scenery for a Movie
And The Phoby goes to... D-TOWN ie Robocop, i mean Narc
Honorable Mention... Phone Booth for its stellar depiction of itself in Phone Booth

Best Horror Flick that is not Dawn of the Dead because that makes it fair Award
And The Phoby goes to... Identity for have Ray Liotta automatic award
Honorable Mention... Freddy vs Jason for bringing me bake to my roots as a deranged psycopath

Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread
And The Phoby goes to... Blood brought to you by Kill Bill
Honorable Mention... Better Luck Tomorrow for asian peeps

Worst Remake of a Film Made Along Time Ago
And The Phoby goes to... Italian Job for having Marky Mark in it and not being a porno

Best Remake of a Film Made Along Time Ago
And The Phoby goes to... Dawn of the Dead

That Movie Is SOO Bad it Actually Makes Its Classic Predessor A Little Worse
And The Phoby goes to... Dumb and Dumberer, Why Lord Why

Worst Movie Experience Ever
And The Phoby goes to... City of God thank you Christopher

The SuperHero Movie that Should Have Never Been Made Award
And The Phoby goes to... LXG for being itself, which is realy bad
Honorable Mention... Hulk cause ever time i saw the hulk i couldnt get the picture of Ang Lee doing the mocap for him HIlarious
Honorable Mention... Underworld while i dont think it was a superhero movie per se it did suck

Best Movie Experience Ever
And The Phoby goes to... X2 for letting us know their are HOTT lesbains in the world

The I mIss Martin Sheen
And The Phoby goes to... Myself i know he is associated with the sinister side but i love the little guy

The Justins Next GF Award
And The Phoby goes to... When justin goes to jail see Butterfly Effect minus the killing
Honorable Mention... any one of the fucked up chicks from thirteen

Hey wait a Sec this Should Suck
And The Phoby goes to... Freaky Friday for not sucking
Honorable Mention... S.W.A.T also did not suck and was supposed to

Why Sequels Are The Epitamy of Everything Wrong In The World
And The Phoby goes to... Bad Boys II not even roman numerals could save this one
Honorable Mention... Matrix Revoultions for being the worst conclusion in the History of the world
Honorable Mention... Matrix Reloaded for leading into the train wreak that is the movie above it

Johnny Depp Obligatory Award
And The Phoby goes to... Pirates of the Carribean cause although it sucked my namesake kicks ass
Honorable Mention... Secret Window see above

Best Movie That Almost Taught Me Something
And The Phoby goes to... Miracle for teaching only hockey can topple communism
Honorable Mention... Dawn of the Dead for teaching you must shoot zombies in the head thank you

Best Animated Feature Film That is NOT Porn
And The Phoby goes to... Finding Nemo cause i love thee
Honorable Mention... Piglet's Big Movie cause like their were no others like

Worst Romantic Comedy
And The Phoby goes to... Down With Love
Honorable Mention... Alex and Emma

Best Movie with God starring as a Lead
And The Phoby goes to... The Passion of the Christ for being antisemitic
Honorable Mention... Bruce Almighty for getting it right God is Black

The Only Thing That Our Reviewers Have Ever Agreed Upon
And The Phoby goes to... Hot Chick From Tears of the Sun and the amazing effects of cinematography

Ok That Doesnt Make Any Sense
And The Phoby goes to... Spider cause i dont get it
Honorable Mention... Dreammaker for british aliens and so on

Just Cause i Started It Doesnt Mean i Have To Finish It Award
And The Phoby goes to... Dan for the Horrow Movie Fiasco
Honorable Mention... Dan for His Top 25

Wait a Second What The Fuck Are You Talking About
And The Phoby goes to... Kaz for his review of assumably Shawshank Redemption, he forgot to ever say the name of the movie, a little typo
Honorable Mention...Passion for not speaking in ebonics, which is are national language

Worst Adam Sandler Movie Award
And The Phoby goes to... Anger Management when while adam learn he is cant keep making movies like this before God himself comes down and smites him
Honorable Mention... 50 First Dates Adam Sandlershould just make trailers and never release an actual movie, maybe that would work

Thats One Big Horse P****s
And The Phoby goes to... Seabicuit for having the nerve to get people to stand up and clap during the movie, hello people the actors cant hear you

The Tara Reid Award
And The Phoby goes to... American Wedding why wasnt she in this why did this movie suck the answers are on in the same
Honorable Mention... My Bosses Daughter why wasnt their nudity in this why did this movie suck sooooo much , i dont know god hates us

June 6th A Day That Will ln Infamy
And The Phoby goes to... Master And Commander for ruining a perfectly good day

The Jackie Chan Please Retire Award
And The Phoby goes to... The Medallion

Greatest Review Award
And The Phoby goes to... Y Tu Mama Tambien by myself go read it it really is

The Reason the World Will End Award
And The Phoby goes to... The Hulks ummm bulge in his tight purple pants
Honorable Mention... House of 1000 Corpses it will happen to you!

Most Rockingest Movie EVER!
And The Phoby goes to... School of Rock i believe

The Worst Movie of the Year
And The Phoby goes to... Love Actually holy shit wat an over hyped left wing crap shoot if only we just had a little love, avoid this movie with extreme prejudice
Honorable Mention... Let us see we got, The Medallion, Down with Love, Dumb and Dumberer, Alex and Emma, Spy Kids3D, and the classic My Bosses Daughter

Best Picture
And The Phoby goes to... Lord of the Rings ROTK for concluding the best trilogy in the history of movies and also being the best movie in that trilogy, Sequels kick ass
Honorable Mention... Better Luck Tomorrow, Kill Bill, thirteen, The Passion, Dawn of the Dead, School of Rock, and one of my all time favs Finding Nemo

I think i can honestly say this has been the best year in the history of Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, Whats next for the hippo? a feature film now i only have one thing to say about that, its only a rumor... and all rumors are true.

Good Night
posted by John at 4:17 PM

 
Review Revue

Secret Window

The scene can be best described as mayhem

Ok film makers, putting johnny depp in a movie does not make it a hit, sure it worked for Pirates of the Carribeanm but that was a fluke. Please spend more money on a script and less on a single actor. This movie had a serious problem, it wasnt any good. First of all it was a PG-13 thriller, which is a oxymoron. Nothing good can come of this, ie the ring. And another thing this movie forgot to be a thriller, more like lets watch johnny depp prance around on screen, wait lets put multiple johnny depps in the same scene, fool proof. Dont get me wrong johnny depp is a sweet actor. And then the conclusion, eh it was kinda surprising as in i wasnt suspecting a surprise ending, but then i get one force fed to me. And then the last scene was fucked up, thats all u can say about that. I need some gore, nudity, and pervasive language, gimme some R rating, or go make a comedy.
*/*****


Starsky and Hutch

It's hard for us here to be reporting this to you, but it does seem to be a fact.

This movie got to much word of mouth hype. It's not as good as some people tend to believe, but that is the case with way to many people. As long as their is an explosion they are happy, wow look at the pretty colors. But this movie was better than it should have been, i mean this movie had huge sucking potential, its sad really. funny parts are sparse but some are quite good, and gosh darnit i laughed the hardest at the "do it" part, its reapeated ad nauseam for a reason. a lot of the funny parts were in the trailers, which is sad, but unlike Anger Management they still were funny. It is hard to dislike this movie, its so damn likeable, not a classic by far, but it certainly is watchable. Hopefully they dont ruin this movie with a sequel or prequel. ha fat chance in hell
***/*****


Dawn of the Dead

We ARE being punished for our sins! The dead are rising, and Judgment Day is upon us!

Sweet Cinee. This is how a movie should be made, crazy plot, all fun. The best part of the movie is they dont explain thing, all u gotta know is u shoot em in the head and they become normal dead. It even ryhmes. Whenever u begin to think about y are they doin this or what the hell is goin on the movie then proceeds to kill of a main character, brillant. And if the senseless violence was not enough, they added a little humor on the side, thats ingenious. And the comedy in it is better than most comedies. And if thats not enough they added, totally pointless nudity in the opening credits, and i do mean totally pointless, the best kind. And wat is with the zombies not liking dog meat, i mean wouldnt it be just as good if not better than human. Horror movies are making a come back and i am loving it.
****/*****

March 26th- "Jersey Girl" (PG-13)
April 2nd- "Hellboy" (TBA)
April 9th- "Alamo, The" (TBA)
April 16th- "Kill Bill: Vol. 2" (TBA)
April 23rd- "Punisher, The" (TBA)
April 30th- "Laws of Attraction" (PG-13)
May 7th- "Van Helsing" (TBA)
May 14th- "Troy" (TBA)
May 21st- "Shrek 2" TBA)
May 28th- "Day After Tomorrow, The" (TBA)
June 4th- "Mindhunters" (R)
June 11th- "Chronicles of Riddick" (TBA)
June 18th- "Around the World in 80 Days" (TBA)
June 25th- "Garfield" (TBA)
July 2nd- "Spider-Man 2" (TBA)
posted by John at 7:06 PM

 
The Passion of The Christ

Licking an electrical outlet does not turn you into a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger

What a sweet movie, i mean it has everything, hot chick, acts of vengence by God, dilberate cruelty (which according to Blanche is unforgivable, but not to Jesus, but lest we forget Blanche is one crazy mofo), umm jews, the letter t, and can you name one quality movie that does NOT have everyones favorite loser, that silly King Herod. Didnt think so. And good thing mel left this one open to sequels, i wanna know how the story ends, or as one reporter said "Mel still has a lot of Bible to option." So True

Will those silly jewish people every stop whinning, seriously know one cares, oh but i dont want this movie to start a wave a antisemitism, come on like that even had a possiblity of happening, the only way that could have happened is to butcher both the story and the princibles behind the life of jesus christ. Mel even took out my fav part of the gospel because of their incessent whinning. Did the Jews expect in the words "

Go Kill Jewish People because this is all their fault and they have to much dirty money

"in big red letters to be on the screen. Please if someone is a skinhead already the aren't goin to be goin to the cine and the impressionable youth dont care enough to care. Ok here is a fact: Jesus was killed by Jewish people. I dont care that it was at the hands of the romans, but the blood was on the hands of those who condemned him in the first place. Sure he did for all of us blahty blahty. And sure Jesus was a popular guy, but damn mob mentality.

This movie is for people who already believe, otherwise it is hard to grasp wat Jesus' is really doin and if you dont believe he is dieing for eternal life than this movie is just a story of a man who was crucified and the blood and gore seem quite pointless. In retrospect this movie wasnt that gory. There was only one shot i found truly distribing, but for the squimish all the blood helps it stick with you, a little harder to forget. Critics have overplayed the gore way to much, they must have lived a sheltered life and not have seen any war movie, ever, sure it doesnt try to hide the unhumane personal nature of the violence, but isnt that half the fun. Mayb i am just a little to desencitized, but i have seen worse, a lot worse. Certainly not for small chillins though. And one critic had the testicular fortitude to say some thing like if Jesus had gone through that he would have died 3 times before he reached galgatha. He obviously didnt get the message of suffering servant, and its all in the bible honey

I heart subtitles, say what you will but this moive would not have been even close to as good with them speaking english. I saw a preview for Judas and he was speaking english to the high priest and it didnt have the impact of the aramaic saying. The languages add to the believability of the movie as a whole, a create a more entertaining experience and a more fufilling one. The movie would have been quite interesting with out the subtitles at all i must say. And personally i dont find them annoying, maybe, just maybe that is because i can read.

One thing is for sure there is a lot of things open to interpertation, although one of them is not whether that animal was a sheep or not, cause it wasnt, sheep dont have teeth like that and dont say well it symbolized Judas' leaving the flock and dieing, maybe it was just a way to give him a rope or maybe it was just a mule, and maybe it was just a tree, and maybe it was just satan's spawn. And who says satan cant have a face, tis it not a fallen angel, does the angel gabriel have no face, tis debatable. I think that is enough ramblings for now, sorry for affending you, i will try again next week.And if you take one thing from this loosely connected forray of opinions let it be this Bullets do not bounce off of fat boys!
****/*****

One kWality Calendar

March 12th- "Starsky & Hutch" (PG-13)
March 19th- "Dawn of the Dead" (R)
March 26th- "Jersey Girl" (PG-13)
April 2nd- "Hellboy" (TBA)
April 9th- "Alamo, The" (TBA)
April 16th- "Kill Bill: Vol. 2" (TBA)
April 23rd- "Punisher, The" (TBA)
April 30th- "Laws of Attraction" (PG-13)
May 7th- "Van Helsing" (TBA)
May 14th- "Troy" (TBA)
May 21st- "Shrek 2" TBA)
May 28th- "Day After Tomorrow, The" (TBA)
June 4th- "Mindhunters" (R)
June 11th- "Chronicles of Riddick" (TBA)
June 18th- "Around the World in 80 Days" (TBA)
June 25th- "Garfield" (TBA)
July 2nd- "Spider-Man 2" (TBA)
posted by John at 8:38 PM