The Monotony of Monogamy

 
I love . . . lamp.

Directed by the same people that brought you Anchorman, here is the Brick story. While none of the characters are the same, Andy (Carell's character), is basically a somewhat smarter version of Brick. Possibly Brick 2.0, maybe even 3.0. Andy hasn't had any luck with the ladies, and we can assume that Brick is in a similar predicament. In an after hours poker game, Andy's co-workes / "friends" discover that he is a virgin. So these fellows decide to help get Andy some bootay. Of course, they all give him conflicting advice, none of which really helps Andy find what he truely wants, love. Firstly, we have David. David was in a relationship for a few months, then dumped the girl because she was cheating on him. And for the past 2 years, he's regretted dumping her and reminisces about their past relationship. Not exactly the best guy to be talking to about love and the such. And he played Brian Fantana in Anchorman and put on Sex Panther (It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good). Next, we have Jay. The man who cheats on his girlfriend just because he can. Yep, great role model. Then we have Cal. Cal was an "Eager Cameraman" in Anchorman and Im not sure where his "expertise" on women came from, but it was probably the most sane advice.

This movie was hilarious, from beginning to end. From that first morning wood scene, to the final Anchorman-esque musical sequence, this movie kept me laughing. Much of this humor was created by Andy's inexperience and quirkiness, which Carell portrayed perfectly.

Overall: I give this movie a clown car. It has me wondering, how can all that humor be contained in such a small space? And why cant other movies be magical like this one? Go see this movie as soon as you can. It's just that good.

Book of Wise Pohl, Chapter 8, Verse 27: She's hurtin' for a squirtin'.


posted by Dave at 4:04 PM

 
Scooby Scooby Doo, where are you?

Summary time: so this hospice care worker (Kate Hudson) decides she doesnt like the hospital she works at and leaves to work as a live-in with an elderly couple. The man just had a heart attack while in the attic which just so happens to be the location of the old "servant" quarters. These werent ordinary servants, these were hoodoo practicing servants. Without revealing too much of the "biggest twist since Sixth Sense" (which was also used as a tag line for [i]The Village[/i]), I will say that it got me. Yes, I actually didnt predict the outcome of this movie. It's amazing. That alone makes this movie better (and because that ending actually fit with the plot). However, the rest of the movie followed classic "horror movie" structure: overly curious person explores in places they shouldnt and end up pissing some people / spirits / demons off. Then, said person attempts to find some way to defeat the evil being, and usually does so. Usually. And, as Greaney so astutely pointed out, the Scooby Doo Syndrome is in full effect.

A few little things that annoyed me / made me laugh / were memorable for some reason or another:

The skeleton key really had nothing to do with the plot. All it did was allow Kate to open all the doors in the house, which, for some unknown reason, needed to be locked and unlocked every time someone wanted to pass through them. There was only 1 logical reason to keep any door locked, the door to the husband's room. Other than that, there was absolutely no reason to lock and unlock ever single door and therefore no reason at all for the skeley key and the title of the movie.

The electricity was out, yet the wheel-chair lift still worked? And bullshit hoodoo moved the lift. As it was clearly stated in the movie, hoodoo only works if you believe in it, therefore it is all in the mind, and Im fairly certain that the lift doesnt have a brain.

When Hudson suplexed the lady over the top rail. Followed closely by the line "I think you broke my legs". Nothing wrong with it, just a blatantly funny moment in an otherwise 'serious' movie.

Kate Hudson, or as I have now dubbed her "Curious Caroline," constantly waking up, and walking around . . . in a small t-shirt and panties. But I guess that's proper sleep-wear / exploration gear in the Louisiana swamps.

Overall: I give this movie a plane trip to a foreign land. The trip there is rather predictable and mondaine, but the final result is somewhat startling. This movie really isnt all that scary, even the wee lasses in the theater only screamed about 5 times. But it's still worth a look-see with a somewhat decent plot.

Book of Wise Pohl, Chapter 8, Verse 29: 'My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings;
Look on my works. Ye Mighty, and despair!'


posted by Dave at 12:12 AM

 
So these two cousins, Bo and Luke Duke have a sweet Charger and drive the hell out of it. They piss off the local cops, the state cops, and the all-powerful Burt Reynolds. The movie is filled with their antics of reckless driving, blowing stuff up, promiscuousness, and all around tomfoolery.

So Boss Hogg (Reynolds) is up to no good again and the Dukes find out about it (with the help of some top-notch investigation by Daisy Duke). When Uncle Jesse's farm is seized because of his moonshine buisness, its up to the cousins (Daisy included) to get it back. With some help from the General Lee avec the Confederate Flag, Bo and Duke not only save their farm, but the whole town of Hazzard, GA.

I liked Seann William Scott's and John Knocksville's portrayal of two southern troublemakers. Willy Nelson made a sweet old moonshiner who tokes up in the "smoke" house. And looking at Jessica Simpson in short shorts and bikini tops was not a downside. Sidebar, she annoys me whenever she speaks. Anyways, Farva makes an appearance as a demolitions "expert" as well as all of the other Super Trooper cops, even making direct reference to the film. Maybe because Ramathorn of Car Ram-Rod directed both films.

Overall: I give this movie a clown car in an accident, with another clown car. It has it all - sweet cars, funny people, and violence. What more could you ask for? I can think of a few things, but that's neither here nor there. Its a decent film with a solid cast. See it if you like not too much plot with a big side of sweetness.

Book of Wise Pohl, Chapter ¿, Verse é: Renegers will get you every time.


posted by Dave at 1:10 AM

 
Wow. That was just disturbing. Even more so than Saw. (Note - I havent seen House of 1000 Corpses, which this movie is a sequal to and which is apparently much more gruesome)

So this family goes around abducting people, then torturing, raping, and murdering them in various ways. Finally the local PD catch up with them and turn their house into a much more open space through the use of lead projectiles. So 2 of the family members survive the raid and escape and meet up with their crazy dad, kill some more people, torture more people, and then kill some more people. Good times. The Gung-ho cop finally catches them and breaks rule #6 in the Evil Overlord's Handbook: "I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them." If you go by the handbook, you will succeed. He didnt, case closed.

Moral of the story: Rob Zombie is one sick and twisted man. But he sure does know how to add gratuitous nudity to a movie. You think its all done, then BAM, theres a boob. Oh hey, there's the other one. This movie was probably 2 nipples away from a NC-17 rating. And thanks for making clown's even weirder and ruin more of my childhood memories.

Overall: I give this movie a cooked roadkill. It could be worse, but its still disgusting. It was a good Monday nighter.

Book of Wise Pohl, Chapter Threve, Verse V: "Boy, the next word outta your mouth better be some brilliant f---in' Mark Twain sh--t, 'cause it is definitely gettin' chiseled on your tombstone. "
-Otis, one of Rob Zombie's crazy ass characters


posted by Dave at 11:43 AM

 
Im moving to a new shorter, more concise, less actual reviewing format

Kingdom of Heaven
A well directed, and fun to watch movie about the crusades, too bad their wasnt much crusading in this movie. And if i remember it draged on in between the scoldings
***/*****

Unleashed
Jet Li beats up people, Morgan Freeman is wise, its can't be bad. Life lessons for all!
****/*****

Monster-in-law
Oh no Jane Fonda, dont treason me! I mean Jane Fonda and J.Lo in a movie, i cant be good, and it isnt. But it isnt terrible, its definitly watchable and possibly a good date movie.
**/*****

Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
You gotta give it to George, he tries so hard to ruin Star Wars. Well not this time, your horrible directing skills are little match for Darth Vader. <> (you suck at writing dialogue too george) definitly the best prequel!
****/*****

Madagascar
A cute little computer animated flick, with enough references to twilight zone and other cool things to keep me happy. too bad pixar didn't make it
***/*****

Batman Begins
Best movie of the summer so far, its dark and fun and it has Batman. Or should i say the bat man. Good show all round. And it has morgan freeman, but the real highlight of the movie is Cillian Murphy, i kinda wish he was bat man
****/*****

Land of the Dead
A Cute little zombie flick, that while creepy doesn provide enough scares. i do like the idea of Zombies trying to imitate real people and starting to learn. And the people already know to shoot the zombies in the head, yeaaah.
***/*****

March of the Penguins
A delightful little documentry about everyones favorite birds, that think their fish. Who doesnt like Penguins, Satan possibly? No, everyone likes penguins. And Morgan Freeman is in it. A very disturbing trend has arisen
****/*****

War of the Worlds
What starts out as a very effective showing of what would happen if aliens tried to take over, but just remeber to turn off your brain when you watch it. And then the movie ends, here is where it shoots itself in the foot, then cuts its other foot off, and procedes to beat itself to death with it. I also wasnt to fond of the 9/11 references.
**/*****

Fantastic Four
Whoa, why cant i see Jessica Alba. not cool. This is the epitomy of chessyness and bad writing. And not to mention those quote unquote sweet xtreme moments with johnny storm, who ironically was the only of the four i could stand.
**/*****

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
A delightful little romp through the crazed head of Tim Burton. I found Johnny Depp's Wonka hilarious, it was fun to see the kids get "killed" off. I did enjoy the ending more than the original movie's, but can u really compare. I really dont see the Michael Jackson comparisons
****/*****

Wedding Crashers
A riproaring comedy which is a must see for the adult crowd, plus it has the girl from The Notebook. It really is a romantic comedy at heart, and it slows down considerably towards the end, but hell this movie is hilarious
****/*****
posted by John at 3:11 PM

 
Simply amazing. Easily the funniest movie this year.

Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson are two best friends who travel around crashing weddings to sleep with various women, and they're good at what they do. However, at the Secretary of the Treasury (Christopher Walken)'s daughter's wedding, the pair fall for the Secretary's other two daughters. Hillarity ensues as they attempt to hide their true identies while still getting the chicks.

I've discovered that its so much easier to write bad reviews than good ones. There really isnt much else to say: This movie was hi-larious from begining to end.

Overall: I give this movie a hot chocolate in the middle of winter. It is so necessary to life, I dont know how you can survive without it. Go see it, right now.

Book of Wise Pohl, Chapter 11, Verse 0.02: And he said, "Play the best song, in the world, or I'll eat your souls!"

posted by Dave at 1:10 PM

 
Sin City

Hooray for good movies! This was a beacon in the darkness that is the current movie selection. This movie went for the direct adaption of a comic book, excuse me, graphic novel as one can get. It truly felt like you were reading a comic book. Which is either really sweet or eh? I mean its been done before, but not to this degree, and not this swelly. The acting was unbelevable especially mickey rourke who caried the movie and should of been in the whole damn thing. sin city is cplit up into 3 stories which is nice since its like watching 3 movies, but disapointing since you know that one is going to be better that the rest. The only real knock on the 3 stories thing is that they are so loosely tied together its kinda ridiculous. It truly feels like three movies with one or two reacurring characters. Dont get me wrong they are three good movies, but they are pretty much three seperate movies. My last complaint about an amazing movie is the voice overs, while they can be entertaining they are overdone. I know i know its a comic book, but come on the voice overs can get a little tiresome. But thank you for this movie
****/*****

The Amityville Horror

Oh My God, people clapped for this movie. If you can call it that. This was the most blatantly stereotypical horror regurgitation since who knows when. It makes no qualms about its crap ass duct taped together story. It doesnt even know who its bad guy is? its like they added one of those creepy girls in their just so everything is in order for those teens. Seriously can a horror movie be made without a little girl, i mean somehow people did it for years, but suddenly its impossible to make a movie without one. This movie is in no way scary, instead it goes for the person appears then disapears the next frame type of shocks. i swear to god it has a clock and every 10 mins it does a half ass attempt to spook a 4 year old. Why must god hate us so much that he would allow a movie like this to be made. People clapped for this movie! People CLAPPED! Whazits? how! have they never seen a motion picture before did the pretty lights and silver screen shock them into amazment, were they sexually atracted to van wilder. How can people like this movie, to any degree. I have lost my faith in humanity.
*/*****

Kung Fu Hustle

Left, left,left,right,left, Another good movie. Good ole chinese people, or japanese, why are you so good at making movies, why do we stupid americans suck so much at making them. I mean if it wasnt for letting us remake the ring, you guys would be my heroes. The action in this movie is so zany,(how zany?) that youll think you are watching a really zany movie. Hey, shutup, you come up with a better analogy. This is what happens when analogies are taken of the SAT. Thank you Communism for that one, thank you. You know what i have noticed its alot easier to right scathing reviews than it is to write positive ones, maybe thats why most critics dont bother praising movies and just denounce them as a sin whose gravity is close to that of Phallocide. Maybe thats why my amityville review was so fun to write. Any ways in conclusion if u you like kung fu movie, japanese people, or chinese food you will love this movie, i guarantee it!(guarantee void in utah)
****/*****
posted by John at 6:24 PM