The Monotony of Monogamy

 
A Calender in Review

We're Cyanide, a loving tribute to Poison.

Since the old calender is dead and long forgotten, but still i have ranked the movies in their respective order. Mmm order


(24)-Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd-*- Wat Happened? Was this the worst? Sure as hell looks like it.

(23)-Down with Love-*- While one of the worst movies i have seen, it doesnt compare to the classics.

(22)-Alex & Emma-*- Sadly, this movie had no potential and went no where, at lest it had a happy ending?

(21)-The Hunted-**- Tommy Lee Jones as in Rambo VI: How Do We Think Of This Crap

(20)-Tears of the Sun-**- Tone it down a little with the music thank you.

(19)-Anger Management-**- LOL good time, o sorry i was just remembering when i made fun of this movie the first time. Ahh memories

(18)-Bruce Almighty-**- Reiterating what every one already knows, Jim Carrey could kicks Adam Sandlers ass

(17)-The Italian Job-**- Where did we go wrong Marky Mark

(16)-The Recruit-**- Colin Farrell needs to get and keep a day job

(15)-Dreamcatcher-**- Mmm the alien was *special*. And y do all brits hate *special* people. stupid brits

(14)-Hulk-**- Who doesnt like tight pants? That poodle still cracks me up.

(13)-Hollywood Homicide-***- Dont get me wrong, that ford guy is aged to perfection

(12)-House of 1000 Corpses-***- Funniest movie on the list. period.

(11)-Gods and Generals-***- MARTIN, dont leave me, i am scared of the dark. Oh my, do i love intermission

(10)-Piglet's Big Movie-***- Oh my, do i love little pink pig-like animals being mistreated by his so called friends only to learn a lesson in the end.

(9)-Phone Booth-***- Have you ever thought about making this movie reality? God knows i've tried

(8)-X²: X Men United-***- More Shadowcat and this movie would have everything

(7)-Holes-***- Put in a little disney and stir

(6)-Spider-****- Boy this taught me a profound life lesson. Always put things in a sock and hide the sock in your groin. Thank You

(5)-Identity-****- Scariest movie on the list, also John Cusack is a hottie

(4)-A Mighty Wind-****- The hijinks and hialrity continue, but i dont want to be there when the laughter stops

(3)-The Matrix: Reloaded-****- Matrix-a-tastic, but wheres the nudity?

(2)-Finding Nemo-****- Its a fact. I am addicted to fish, and not in that good wholesome way

And the movie that wins the award for... Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence

(1)-Better Luck Tomorrow-*****- Everything one could ask for, and a side of Jones soda.
posted by John at 2:25 PM

 
Alex & Emma

Don't leave me with the Germans!

Wooo this movie set surprised the hell out of me... yea it sucked, but surprisingly so. Its a known fact that Luke Wilson is a hottie and well Kate Hudson didnt exactly get the gift of good looks, if you know wat i mean. I dunno wat it is but man, i hated this movie. Wow, how many times can producers produce the same movie. Too many. Well, looking back i realize that although sappy, unrealistical, and flat out boring, this movie actually had a lot of jokes. None of which were funny. At all. In any respect. To any one. And dont get me started on the quote unquote brillant dialogue. Now i bet your asking, John when are you going to talk about the good? Well here it is... against all odds... IT ENDED.
*/*****
posted by John at 8:52 PM

 
Hulk

And he liked green just like Bill Bixby

Why couldn't they just wait another few years. It could have been sooo much better. Hulk was looked so out of place, especially when he was transforming. Case in point, it seems that in movies everything looks better when it gets dirty, ie Tears of the Sun, the Hulk fits in better when he got down and dirty. Was is just me or was Hulk amazingly light on his feet? I know he can jump 3 miles yadda yadda, but wouldnt he make a little impact when he landed? Now if you can except that a man, despite all the laws of thermodynamics, can turn into a giant green monster and then turn back, i think u can except a pair of pants that can expand and contract, unless u would rather see Hulk run around naked or banner for that matter. I DO NOT LIKE THOSE STUPID SPLIT SCREENS. I am watching a movie not a comic book, why dont you just put bubble words too, so its authentic. Ang Lee wanted you to like the Hulk, but that wasnt happening. He wasnt a likable guy, you cant cheer for the hulk, only jeer. I believe a meanacing diabolical hulk would have worked better. And another thing banner has a whole lotta control over the Hulk, scary amount. In conclusion, better than Daredevil but wasnt as true to the comics as other comic book movies.
**/*****

July 11th-"The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" (PG-13)
July 18th-"Bad Boys II" (TBA)
July 25th-"Seabiscuit" (TBA)
August 1st-"American Wedding" (TBA)
August 8th-"Matchstick Men" (TBA)
August 15th-"Freddy vs. Jason" (TBA)
August 22nd-"My Boss' Daughter" (TBA)
August 29th- "Highwaymen" (TBA)
September 5th- "The Order" (TBA)
September 12th- "Once Upon a Time in Mexico" (TBA)
September 19th- "Underworld" (TBA)
September 26th- "Secondhand Lions" (TBA)
October 3rd- "Scary Movie 3" (TBA)
October 10th- "Kill Bill" (TBA)
October 17th- "The Runaway Jury" (TBA)
October 24th- "The Whole Ten Yards" (TBA)
October 31st- "Alien: Re-Release" (R)
November 5th- "The Matrix Revolutions" (TBA)
November 7th- "Jersey Girl" (TBA)
posted by John at 10:41 AM

 
Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd

I just figured she was a raging alcoholic!

Hmm, not much to say about this movie except it is a poor substitute to the original. It felt like i was watching a bad remake of the original, kinda like Italian Job. The jokes were sometimes smirk worthy, and sometimes the made you think about the condition of the world, and most of the time they were not funny. The Jim Carrey replacement did a good job recreating, and looked a little to much like Jim. The other guy wasnt half bad either, but the writing was horendous, it was like dan's handwriting, impossible to cheat off of. Some of the highlights were the 7-11 store guy, and Harry's mom hitting on Lloyd, dont take that tone with me young man. Other than that it was mediocre at best...remember...that John Denver is full of shit, man. And i called u Krach. Hmm i wonder if this movie is worse then The Phantom Menace, and thus making it the worst sequel ever. Its close.
*/*****

June 20th-"The Hulk" (PG-13)
posted by John at 4:11 PM

 
Interesting! No, wait. The other thing. Tedious.

NOOOOOOOO, that is depressing. What is the point of goin to cedar point without top thrill wats it called. Yea could they think of a more uncool theme, i think not, unless it was Genuine Mexican Plug. Damn u Mark Twain. But still i was looking forward to 5 seconds of pure... somthing, something. And dan every knows Alf is from Melmak.

On to thee Feture Presentation...

Wicked Twister- Fun, but the line is not worth the ride, at least last year
***/*****
Power Tower- As Mr Venos put it "There is no need to feel like that for more than 2 seconds"
**/*****
Raptor- One of the best at Cedar Point, though always closed
****/*****
Magnum whatever- Fun all around, not as much fun in the rain. WOOO short line.
****/*****
Millenium Force- Eh, it delivers wat it promises. Line always too long
***/*****
Gemini- Not very fun, at all...
**/*****
Iron Dragon- First hill is 99% of the ride time
*/*****
Mean Streak- Good ole' woody
***/*****
Blue Streak- Depressing
**/*****
Mantis- Its that good kinda pain
****/*****
The Swings- GREATEST THING ever, the only reason Cedar Point is still around
*****/*****

Chris, of couse ill be labeled a queer, the question is wat hat this year?
posted by John at 3:17 PM

 
ishka spelt ninja wrong. geeze, he has no rrom to review nemore, enough sed. im out.




















just kidding ok lets talk about sumthing important, like Italian job, considering my "friends" were too rude to invite me to hollywood homicide.
I.J. was a sweet movie, action adventure, hot chicks, and even people jumping off of walls, oh wait that last one was steve post-movie expierience :). Anyways, some of the stuff they did was far fetched, such as having programs which were able to draw perfect diagrams of rooms and other item just by viewing video or other media standards. When i think I.J. i think Ocean's 11 and bourne identity chase scene combined= SWEET

my grade $$$$/$$$$$
posted by the pope at 8:31 PM

 
Hollywood Homicide

The two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened by change.

And guess whos the elephant. Good times, before the movie we all wished it was Dollywood Homicide, ok mayb just me. Hartnett is a lot better astor then some of the previous actors in previous movies, cough marky mark cough. Harrison was his normal heroic self. Wait, I'm confused about the movie. So the cops knew that internal affairs were setting them up? Oh sorry, you see when I get bored I make up my own movie. I have a very short attention span. Which is was a problem with this movie it slooowed down in the middle, but other wise a good effort, to a movie that easily could have been total crap. Oh, look! A bird!
***/*****

What the hell am i trying to say?

June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (PG-13)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (PG-13)
posted by John at 7:16 PM

 
The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.

One Hundred posts and counting.

Lets start at the beginning, with the first ever calender, which is consequently the first ever post.
~"Wednesday, February 26, 2003

February 28th-"Gods & Generals" (PG-13)
March 7th-"Tears of the Sun" (R)
March 14th-"The Hunted" (R)
March 21st-"Dreamcatcher" (TBA)
March 28th-"The Core" (PG-13)
April 4th-"Ripley's Game" (R)
April 11th-"Anger Management" (PG-13 )
April 18th-"Holes" (PG)
April 25th-"Identity" (R)
May 2nd-"X²" (TBA)
May 9th-"The Lizzie McGuire Movie" (R)
May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (TBA)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (TBA)
May 30th-"The Italian Job" (TBA)
June 6th-"Master & Commander: Far Side of the World" (TBA)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA) "

Ah memories, horrible horrible memories let us never peak of some of those movies again. But the first review, that was something special, and it was also super short. Where did we go wrong?

~"Without Martin Sheen it felt like it was missing something, most notably Martin Sheen."

As true today, as it was when it was written. And then it all changed, chris came...

~"hey its the Bibblemiester
Looking Forward to May... X2,Lizzie, matrix, Brucey.. its gonna be awesome"

And it all went down hill from there, what was i thinking? Any ways here is the collection of swimfan, our favorite moive, to make fun of.

~"This is not a typo >NO STARS<"
~"Possibly my worst decision in my life"
~"The Worst Movie Of 2002
And The Phoby goes to... Swimfan nuff said"
~"AND THE FINAL AWARD FOR TONIGHT
The "I'd rather be going out with one of Justins girlfriends" award
And the Phoby goes to "Swimfan" for actually being THAT bad.......it really makes ya think"

But it was all fun and games until someone gets hurt

~"sorry guys, i actually liked this movie a lot, it was romantic and thrilling, i am tired of making fun of it, i really liked it."

WHAT?!? You've changed dan, it's like ur a different person.

~"HAHA OK SORRY I COULDNT KEEP TYPIN THAT BULL SHIT ANY LONGER"

Oh, Laugh Out Loud, you got me for a sec. Back to business, this next clip is what i feel is the best material this blog ever produced, that's kinda sad.

~"Worst Acting In A Feature Film
And The Phoby goes to... Hayden Christensen for his great work in Star Wars II, hopefully the replace him digitaly with a lamppost in Star Wars Episode III"
~"The That Remind Me of Kelly Award
And The Phoby goes to... Erika Christensen as Madison Bell for stalking.
Honorable Mention... That Whore in Gangs of New York (no shirt on)"

And then the Recruit came, and all the fun stopped, abruptly if i might add.

~"and definitally not have pants thrown at me like so much stale confetti"

And then the first and last idea we all agreed on, the fine ladies.

~"Also that chick was hot, and she got hotter as she got dirtier, culminating in her hottest moment at the end."
~"I loved how they kept it raining so her shirt would stay wet and how her shirt kept losing buttons."
~"It was a beautiful cinematic achievement."

Then there were 5 stars...

~"Schei?e" (stupid new version of blog)
~"Answering The Questions of Life, That Nobody Asked."
~"In conclusion this movie change my life, and it did it in spanish"
~"i practically died that day"
~"I think this some it up best, 'But i like it!'"
~so in conclusion, always give into peer pressure."
~"In conclusion, if a man offer you a ride in his car, i say take it."

Boy i make a lot of conclusion. Eh what are u goin to do. This next clip needs no intorduction, cause i dont feel like giving it one

~"There i was in the jungle of Cambodia"
~"Finally, and sadly, there were libral views expressed"

That was The Hunted for those of you unedumacated folk. MMM Dreams...

~"...was one race of aliens retarded and the other british or was i mistaken"
~"but I think they overdid it this time."

Up next the movie event of the century, or mabe even... the decade.

~"but we all know if the movie was called "Piglet's Goes Postal Ft. P to the Ooh" everyone would see it"
~"IF YOU SEE IT AND DONT LIKE IT, ITS COMMON FACT YOU ARE A HOMOSEXUAL"
~"I'm choosing to not watch such a GOOD movie"

It seems like two of us couldnt get enough, and one was intimidated by its amazingness. Then the phone rang...

~"BORING is not the right word"
~"The ending could have been handled much better"
~"the prostitute looking exactly like kelly"

but no on was there and i was like where is everyone, so we went to see spider.

~"It was too artsy though."
~"'And that bitch is slippin' to quote Ice Cube"
~"way to much symbolism in my book"

I think a circle is to much symbolism, but thats just me and my loathing of circularobjects. And the debate continues, y do we go to bham

~"It depends on what you like at the movies.....eardrum-piercing, often offensive adolescent screaming....or possible gang violence? You decide."

Ill decide u, umm segue?

~"But in the end it all boils down to... never trust a squirrel."
~"the movie was stupid....TO THE MAX"

But not to the MAX TO THE EXTREME. No that would be silly, just like our next flick HOLES. Lets start with something you may not have caught the first time around, i assure u its real.

~"Really liked the book, one of my all time favorite children's books along with Karl Marx and Frederick Engel's Manifesto Of The Communist Party"
~"it still was missing something..."
~"my guess is they weren't PC enough for Disney....ooo well."

Good times, but those good vibrations did not last long, because we say the movie no noe wanted to see. And it made me Angry.

~"This movie was a joke, and not a funny one"
~"I'm not gonna fall for that 'it was all a joke'"

Weird collabration on that one. It makes you think about y we say that movie, Than dan turned 16 and went on a binge-drug-party-orgy. Or as i like to call it we saw a movie.

~"I guess its a case of selective recall."
~"I still don't get it."

Better Luck Tomorrow rocked but as you will see some people wanted more.

~"there was no Kung-fu"
~"this movie did everything for me."

Are next clip is a much need thank u to chris, for not writing a preview to City of GOd, and thus upsetting the movie gods.

~"Thank you chris."

Who doesnt like lesbian? No one!

~"'cause nobody cares about Wisconsin, at all."
~"Where did Lizzie Maguire go on the calendar?!?!"
~"But other than that...perfect."

Yea that one didnt make a lick of sense at all. Hopefully this next one will, but dont get your hopes up. I am proud to present A Mighty Wind.

~"I guess i should stop writing before i get in some kind of trouble, with some kind of government agency."

And now a collection of post by people who dont stay long...

~"this is ishka's sister"
~"posted by the pope at 9:54 PM"
~"I am Kaz most will say that my ideas are crap"

Well kaz had his facts staright, and now a public service anouncement.

~"All i want is for people to make "G" movies again"

And i got my wish, but dan is a weird guy, as demonstrated by...

~"THE GREAT DEBATE"
~"James: FOLKS, THIS IS TOTAL CHAOS...NO ROO NO!!!!!"

And now a proverb...cause i like proverbs...

~"Chris is not a Communist... he may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist... but he is *not* a porn star!"

So tru. Its a fact that Down with Love was crap and how do i kno this u ask, well look right here...

~"Oh my, that wasn't right"

Without hurther adieu, the rattleing on about Matrix

~"well I can tell you now they're dead wrong"
~"The critics were not dead wrong"
~"maybe I have a thing for mutants."
~"whole kennu ass thing"
~"I got a weird thing for girls who say "aboot." "
~"it was entertaining"

Keanu, i think i love... whoa didnt kno... crap... cut to Bruce cut.

~"This movies isnt nearly as funny as it should have been, could have been, or thinks it is."
~"But the movie could have been better"

Full circle here is the new calender

~"July 11th-"The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" (PG-13)
July 18th-"Bad Boys II" (TBA)
July 25th-"Exorcist: The Beginning" (TBA)
August 1st-"American Wedding" (TBA)
August 8th-"S.W.A.T." (TBA)
August 15th-"Freddy vs. Jason" (TBA)
August 22nd-"My Boss' Daughter" (TBA)
August 29th- "Highwaymen" (TBA)
September 5th- "Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star" (TBA)
September 12th- "Cabin Fever" (TBA)
September 19th- "Underworld" (TBA)
September 26th- "Secondhand Lions" (TBA)
October 3rd- "Scary Movie 3" (TBA)
October 10th- "Kill Bill" (TBA)
October 17th- "The Runaway Jury" (TBA)
October 24th- "Bad Santa" (TBA)
October 31st- "Alien: Re-Release" (R)
November 5th- "The Matrix Revolutions" (TBA)
November 7th- "Jersey Girl" (TBA)"

Mmm, now here is dan again in with his ironic hypocritical statements

~"real men don't take vacations"
~"i take vacations"

We end this journey on a high note, maybe the best movie to have jellyfish in it... thats right Finding Nemo

~"G-Larious"
~"orgasmic"

Until the next one hundred, The Internet has given everybody in America a voice. For some reason, everybody decides to use that voice to bitch about movies.
posted by John at 12:07 PM

 
The Italian Job

So it's smooth sailin' from here.

Very typical, cliche and entertaining. This movie is non stop action sequences, with small hit or miss jokes spilced in between. The action will keep your attention, but remember not to think about the movie. It just doesn't make that much sense when you examine it. And dont expect great acting, were talking about Marky Mark here, yea their's not much to say about him. Execpt he should have never quit the rap scene. There was nothing in this movie that set it apart from any other heist movie, except other movies did it better. Sadly the highlight of this movie was... Spider-Man in his film debut, it good to see the real Spider-Man on the silver screen. Stupid Tobey Mcguire, stealing all his publicity. So always remember, "You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!"
**/*****

June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (PG-13)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (PG-13)
posted by John at 12:00 PM

 
Five*****Star*****Collection
Racism, Bigotry and a Moral all in one.

American History X
I'm the most dangerous man in this prison. You know why? 'Cause I control the underwear.

Wow, its been awhile, a long while. Lets get on with the reviewing, this is Edward Norton at his best, and he portrayes a skinhead in a very, scary, realistic manner. Edward Furlong also rocks the kaz-bot but a little less than Mr Norton, but its all in good fun. Now this movie is all about racism, and has a serious moral message at the end, if you make it that far. My mom said and i quote "This is the worst thing i have ever seen" Strong words. American History X is quite graphic in in description of racism, and consequently quite honest. Its also quite graphic in men being raped in prison, but thats a different story all together, or is it? Moving on, if your going to watch the beginning, make sure you stay till the end, or the movie will seem like a pointless portraying of violence, which may or may not be okay with you. In conclusion, if a man offer you a ride in his car, i say take it.
*****
posted by John at 6:35 PM