The Monotony of Monogamy

 
Alien Versus Predator

This is an example of a time when parents should have crushed their child's dream of becoming a filmmaker.

For keeping the public waiting ive decided to do a Super Special Triple-Review, please try to keep it in your pantaloons. Ah AvP finally a movie that gives me all the Volleyabll i can digest in one serving of volleyball. Wait wat AvP doesn't stand for Association of Volleyball Professionals... what it means... Alien vs Predator wat the hell is that crap, are u serious what were they thinking. This movie never really had a chance of being good, especially with Paul "The Hack" Anderson on board and not only is he on board hes the whole boat. As both writer and director Paul "The Hack" Anderson really has no idea wat in gods name he is doing. The script is just terrible, if you can call it that since conviently all the humans die in the first few scenes, less dialogue, and thats probably for the best. Some of the things in it are so... shockingly bad... so unexpectedly bad they are friggin hi larious. Just thinking about one part makes me crack up. How could that make it into a movie. And the plot lets not talk about the plot, it pains me. The predator is definatly favored to win this from the getgo i guess Paul "The Hack" Anderson really likes those sexy preds. And was it me or did the preds look wierd, in body shape. In conclusion i pray this movie has a sequel so we can see the predalien WooT.
**/*****

Collateral

Uh, I forgot how my muscles work.

Everyone and their sister knows Tom Cruise is hott, and everyone knows Jamie Foxx is black. So what do u get when you mix the two? Tamie Fruise? No, you get Collateral. A movie that has a interesting plot and some quality acting, but man can it get stupid. Almost the whole movie is well paced and in a skewed world believable, until this one scene that is just their to add action and pretty much doesnt fit with the rest of the movie. Other than that its a fun ride while it lasts, and while the end is predictable its still fun, in a kinky kind of way. If you got nothin better to do, like say club a baby seal, than i would take a peak but dont jump out a movin van to c this flick
***/*****

Little Black Book

Wow this movies really drawn me in... to a deep well of despair.

WoW, fun times. A movie so draped in stereotypical romantic comedy situations, decides in in closing scenes to do a little satire/parody of the moral effects of Reality Television on the people living its reality. And the producer who believes wat their making is bigger then them, come on, its not reality, its fiction. And in the end the ending really took me out of this movie. It kinda got preachy, at least its not the stereo type ending that most movie use a cruch, but thats all it has goin for it. The movie has a interesting plot and keeps you entertained at least till the last part which made me angry at the world. Overal if you are a girl you will like this movie, if your not you probably will get bored, but its not terrible by any means
**/*****

August 20th- "Exorcist: The Beginning"(R)
August 27th- "Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid"(PG-13)
September 3rd- "Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2"(PG)
September 10th- "Resident Evil: Apocalypse"(TBA)
September 17th- "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow"(TBA)
September 24th- "Wimbledon"(TBA)
October 1st- "Shark Tale"(TBA)
October 8th- "Taxi"(TBA)
October 15th- "Team America: World Police"(TBA)
October 22nd- "Finding Neverland"(PG)
October 29th- "Eulogy"(R)
November 5th- "The Incredibles"(TBA)

posted by John at 8:40 PM

 
AH!
http://www.broshack.com
!!!!
AMAZEMENT!!!!




*please note The Bro Shack is still under renovation*
posted by Dave at 7:18 PM

 
AH! Friday the 13th! Triskaidekaphobia!

Alien Verses Predator

We need more Vs. movies. Let me refrase that; We need more good Vs. movies. This was not one of them.

The plot is overly simplistic. Predators come to Earth every so often to hunt Aliens. The humans were lured to the pyramid to become hosts for the Alien spawn, so the hunt could continue. The phrase 'No matter who wins . . . We lose.' is total B.S. If the Predators win, they leave and come back in a hundred years. If the Aliens win, well we'll all probably have our chests used as a home for baby aliens. I'd root for the Predators.

The crew that was going to explore the pyramid started out relatively large. I'd say 20-30 people. 66.66(repeating)% of these people were killed very quickly. Although it was deduced that the Predators were hunting Aliens, not humans, they still killed a bunch of us before they even went down into the ice. The rest of the crew was killed by a combination of trixy pyramid action, Alien face huggers, and crazy Predators. There were orginally 3 Predators that came to Earth, but an Alien got 2 of them early on. So now its 3 humans, 1 Predator, and a shit load of Aliens, including a captive queen. 2 more humans bite the preverbial dust. And another one's gone, another one's gone, another one bites the dust. Note to self: No more singing in reviews. Check.

But wait, we've figured out the reason the Predators are going psyco on the humans. We stole their shoulder cannons. Should have listened to the Italian guy when he told them not to take them, 5 minutes after they took them. So now the last remaining human give el Predatoro his cannon back and he proceeds to dominate a few Aliens. Oh no, what's that? The queen is calling the rest of the Aliens to free her? Ok. So they use their acid spit stuff to corode the chains and such holding the queen. Now the two new best friends have to kill the queen and prevent it from reaching civilization. I wont spoil the rest of it for you, because if you can't guess what's going to happen (for the most part) you dont belong in the movie predicting buisness.

Both ETs seemed to be downsized for this movie. The Aliens were stupider, and the Predators were weaker (maybe that was because they were on the hunt to prove themselves? I dont know. I think that would be giving the writers too much credit for this which they call a script). It might been a sign when the actors/resses from the original movies wont do the new one, that it might be bad (a la Dumb and Dumberer). Another thing that bugged me: they were in Antarctica, yet when they spoke, there was no visable breath. They were in sub-zero temperatures, yet never, never, was there any frost breath.

Overall: I give this movie food from food comercials. Sure, it's real food (its the law). Sure, you could eat it. But it definately looks better than it is. When you see it on TV, its the best burger you've ever seen. But when you go to buy it, its the scrawniest, dullest burger you've seen in your life.

The Book of Wise Pohl, Chapter Number, Verse Number#2:
And he said, "Play the best song, in the land, or I'll eat your souls."

Now we wait for AvP2. It will be so bad, the predator and the alien will refuse to be in it.
posted by Dave at 10:00 PM

 
Test of my phones posting POWER!!!

posted by John at 1:29 AM

 
300!

Collateral

This movie was quite good. It was nice to see old Tommy boy playing a villan for once. He looks kind of weird with grey hair and all, but he still can cut a mean rug. Even playing an aged character, Tom still has the moves to take out an entire entourage of body guards without breaking a sweat.

In this movie, Tom Cruise plays an assassin contracted out to kill some witnesses. Jamie Foxx plays the unknowing cab driver who escorts him all around LA. But when he witnesses the first murder, Jamie is in it for the long haul. 4 more people to kill. Witness #2, no problem. 3 to go. Witness #3, took a little talking to, but still, no big deal. After #3, Jamie tries his luck and steals Tom's hit list and throws it into traffic. Now Jamie has to pretend to be Tom to get another list or his momma becomes #6. So he gets the this, on to #4. This is where Tom takes out an entire crew of thugs in the middle of a club, then takes out Witness #4 and is on his way. Finally Jamie grows a pair, flips the cab, and chases after Old Man Tom. What astonished me was how an old guy and a taxi cab driver have such endurance. They sprinted for what seemed like minutes. Jamie catches up to Tom just in time to save Witness #5, who he drove in his cab earlier that day. Long story short, good taxi cab driver wins, bad hitman loses.

There's nothing really that made the movie extrordinarily good. Nothing I said "Oh man, that was sweet!" at. Yet nothing that made me go "WTF. This movie sucks,"(a la Village). If Tom was going around pushing people out of windows, it probably would have been a lot worse, but gunfire just makes a movie better.

Overall: I give this movie a after dinner mint, you don't really need it, it isn't necissarily refreshing, but it still has something that just makes you go "Ah, that was good."

Book of Wise Pohl, Chapter 7 Verse 41:
And he said "Ride, r-r-r-r-r-r-ride this donkey. Ride this d-d-d-d-d-d-donkey!"
posted by Dave at 10:00 PM

 

Five*****Star*****Collection
Eating Hamburgers... Five Stars at a Time

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
I WARNED you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you know, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little BUNNY, isn't it?

Oh sweet stoner comedy it has been so long, so long, some would say to long, others not long enough. This is just like one of those sweet juicy steamed hams that are white castles. You look at it and say that cant be good, i mean LOOK at it. But then your curiosity gets the best of you, all the cool kids are doin it. So you it just one, one of the most pleasurable burgers you have ever eaten, it goes down so so smooth, it feels soo good in your mouth. You have to have another, you would kill your mother and do the chicken dance over her cold, and lifeless body, for just one more damnit, ONE! Why must you tempt me o temptress of steamy hams. And before you know it youve eaten them all and are all alone again. so lonely. Sure the next day you cant believe what you did and are so unbelievable ashamed you cant leave the bathroom but just thinking about that sweet sweet night with those tiny burgers that have that irridenscent smell, makes it all worth while. In the end im hungry
*****

posted by John at 12:29 PM