Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia |
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Wednesday, March 30, 2005
I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. That's right ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only, Wise Pohl has returned to Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia after a developmental hiatus for Broshack.com. And for my triumphant return, what better post than my 2005 Phobies: Best Use of Balls in a Movie: Dodgeball - so simple, yet so brilliant Best Movie About Sexism In the Workplace: Anchorman - It's Anchorman! Not Anchorwoman! Best Movie I Definately Shouldn't Have Gone to See the Village Over: Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle - what was I thinking? I dont even know Best Use of an Airport: Terminal - one of the few movies I saw twice in the theaters Best Use of a Taxi: Collateral - gotta love that Tom Cruise fellow Worst Use of a Taxi: Taxi - Jimmy was better on SNL, and that isnt saying much Best (Ab)use of a Child [Comedy]: Meet the Fockers - Assssssss Hoooooooooooooole Best Use of a Child [Attempted Horror]: Dakota Fanning in Hide and Seek - that girl is just creepy, but in a good way that makes her lots of money Best Use of Demons / Hell / Things of that Nature: Constantine 'Good Effort' Awards to: Van Helsing and HellBoy Best Use of Stories to Hide the Truth: Hero Announcer Hero also won Phobies for Best Use of Colors and Best Movie In a Foreign Language Worst Plot Twists Ever: The Village - my oh my, were those ever stupid. Way to ruin a halfway decent movie. Best Plot Twists: Saw - this one actually kept me guessing . . . for a while Announcer Saw also won the Phobies for Best Movie Named After an Item Commonly Found in the Toolshed and Best Reason(s) Given to Trust No One Best Overfocusing on Sexuality: Alexander - cut out the gay crap and it would be a decent 1:30 movie Best Superhero(es) in a Movie: Sorry Spidey, this one goes to The Incredibles 'Good Effort' Award to Spiderman 2 Best Use of a Pet Cemetery: Garden State - a bit weird, but still good Best Use of Anti-Personnel Mines: Punisher - cuz its such a sweet calling card Best Use of a Cricket Bat: Shaun of the Dead Announcer Shaun of the Dead also won Phobies for Best Use of the Phrase "Cock it" and Best Comedy Involving Zombies. Best Movie About a Historical Figure: The Aviator 'Good Effort' Award goes to Alexander Worst Spin-Off-esque Movie: Alien Vs. Predator - why did they make this move? Ah yes, money Best Movie with a Hidden Agenda: The Day After Tomorrow - damn liberals 'Good Effort' Award to Sponge Bob Square Pants - they claimed he was gay, and after this movie, Ill believe it Best Movie Involving Robots: I, Robot - killer robots > friendly robots, hence 'Good Effort' Award to Robots Best Swordplay In a Movie: Kill Bill Volume 2 - Hatori Hanzo swords kick ass 'Good Effort' Award to Hero Worst Deviation from the Prequel Award: Ring 2 - how can it be a Ring movie without "7 Days" and basically no shots of the ring? The 'It Should Have Ended an Hour Ago Award' : No way - A three way tie? How can this be! The Aviator, Hide and Seek, and Alexander all should have and could have been cut down roughly an hour and made a better movie of The 'Hey, This Isnt Home Alone; Why is Macaulay Culkin Here?' Award: Saved! - I dont know what's funnier: MC as a sweet kid with booby traps, or MC as a decrepit quazi-rebellious teen in a wheel chair - oh wait, yes I do. Do yourself a favor, Kevin, hop in a time machine, go back to when you were a kid, and make more Home Alone movies. The 'I Really Should Have Seen This In Theaters' Awards: Kill Bill Volume 2, Harold & Kumar, and Troy - only one of these was missed by choice. You're bright, let's see if you can figure it out. Most Overrated Movie of the Year Award: Napolean Dynamite - yea, I said it Best Animated Film of the Year: The Incredibles 'Good Effort' Awards to Shrek 2 and Polar Express Best Soundtrack: Team America: World Police - great movie, great songs, get it when it comes out on DVD 'Good Effort' Award to The Phantom of the Opera - the Music of the Night is quite compelling Most Forgettable Movie: Darkness - This movie was so forgetable, I had to go look at my review just to find out what the hell this movie was about. Usually I have some semblance of a memory about a movie, even if it was horrible, but not this one. Worst Attempts at Horror Movies: Ring 2, Cursed, Boogey Man, Darkness, (didnt see Grudge or White Noise, but Im assuming they belong here as well) Worst Non-"Horror" Movie of the Year: Its so hard to pick just one, so instead, I will list them in alphabetical order: Alexander Envy HellBoy Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow The Village If you dont see any movies this year, make it those 5. Best Movie of the Year: I've got to agree with Koz and Balch on this one - Kill Bill Volume 2. Great plot, great action, great movie. 'Good Effort' Awards to (in no particular order) Hero, The Incredibles, Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle, Saw, Team America: World Police Well, that's our show, folks. Hope you enjoyed it. Now stay tuned for your local news. Coming up, at 11: A local man loses his testicles in a freak butcher shop accident. And later, how you can help prevent forest fires. But we'll start out our show with a segment entitled "How To Live Healthier." Step 1 - eat less and better. Step 2 - exercise more. Step 3 - Get off youre fat ass and do something. More, after this commercial break. (0) comments Monday, March 28, 2005
The Third Annual Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia movie award spectacular !This award is the biggest farce I've ever seen. Worst Special Effects in a Movie And The Phoby goes to... Cursed for those overgrown half man half unimpressive things that wouldnt leave the shot. But they did have big feat? The That Reminds Me of Kelly Award And The Phoby goes to... The Girl Vampires From Van Helsing. They'll suck u dry, getit? Most Nudity in a Movie Thats NOT Porn And The Phoby goes to... Harold & Kumar for that pointless but oh so nice nudie scene Honorable Mention... Team America: World Police for that hot, and dare i say satisfying sex scene Best Use of a Gay Main Character And The Phoby goes to... Alexander for making me question Colin "The Womanizer" Farrel's machismo Honorable Mention... Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie cause its sooo subtle Worst Use of a Homoerotic Sponge And The Phoby goes to... Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie and so close to the best! Most Environmently Friendly And The Phoby goes to... The Grudge for recycling The Ring And making a Unscary version of it Honorable Mention... The Ring 2 for being a slightly more scary version of the Grudge Wait A Second This Should Suck Award And The Phoby goes to... I, Robot for being a recent Will Smith Movie and get this it didn't suck Wait A Second This DOES Suck Award And The Phoby goes to... Napoleon Dynamite for being the most overhyped and underjudged movies possibly of all time. The Movie So Bad It Actually Makes Its Classic Predessor Worse OMG this never happens, a TIEAnd The Phoby goes to... Aliens Vs Predator for making Aliens Resurection look like a good Alien Movie And The Phoby goes to... Aliens Vs Predator for making me wish this was Predator 2 Best Animated Movie Thats NOT Porn And The Phoby goes to... The Incredibles for being not porn =( Honorable Mention... Shrek 2 for also not being porn Best Sequel And The Phoby goes to... Kill Bill Vol II for roxzoring my boxzors Honorable Mention... Shrek 2 for actually in my humble opinion being better than the original Worst Sequel And The Phoby goes to... The Ring 2 for being just as bad if not badder than the original. Bad not as in good Honorable Mention... The Grudge but a sequel to what? Hey Is That Justin Award And The Phoby goes to... Rosenberg from Harold & Kumar for having the yellow fever Honorable Mention... Vince Vaughn from Be Cool The Wow, Don't You Look Stupid Award And The Phoby goes to... Pole for thinking the Village would be better than Harold & Kumar, and worst of all trying to convince us not to go. For Shame Honorable Mention... Eating all those juicy, tasty, slighty disgusting mostly beef pattys from White Castle after seeing said movie Worst Movie Experience And The Phoby goes to... The Ring 2 because we sat in front of a few prepubecent homoerotc teens, and get thins one of them answered his cell phone and talked for at least 5 minutes over the movie Best New SuperHero Award And The Phoby goes to... Mr. Incredible! for being like super man but with an I Honorable Mention... Jack-Jack cause he didnt get enough screen time Best Was Once A Book, Movie Award And The Phoby goes to... Harry Potter And The Prisoner of Azkaban for being the only potter movie i have seen Honorable Mention... Polar Express How can you make a 15 page picture book 90+ min. subplots my friend subplots Worst Was Once A Book, Movie Award And The Phoby goes to... Lemony Snicket for having Jim Carrey in it Honorable Mention... Harty Potter for being about witchcarft, they are all goin to hell Best Movie To Have "Robot" in The Title. And The Phoby goes to... I,Robot because it makes Isaac Asimov fun, which is impossible Honorable Mention... Robots because if one robot is fun more than one robot most be more fun. its the law of consevartion of matter. Best Movie To Have A Robot Villian And The Phoby goes to... Spider-man 2, bet you didnt see that one coming. I mean what are the chances a guy named Otto Octavius gets 8 limbs? The Movie Keeps Running Running and Running Running And The Phoby goes to... Hide and Seek for being retarded. and not using an ambersand Honorable Mention... The Aviator Best/Worse Use of a Creepy Little Kid And The Phoby goes to... The Grudge's Trailer, i mean the kid meowed, and he didnt have nething down below. In the stupid movie he roared. When the trailer is better than the movie you know your in trouble Honorable Mention... The Ring 2, That kids eyes dont want to be in his head, thats scary Honorable Mention... Dakota Fanning for actually being a good actress The So Many Actors How could It Be Bad Award And The Phoby goes to... Oceans 12 for not knowing 11 is to much Honorable Mention... Be Cool, Sequels don't work see above. Best Hair in a Feature Film And The Phoby goes to... John Travolta for that little rug he was wearing in Be Cool Honorable Mention... Tom Cruise for that sexy grey hair, it just keeps gettin better You Can't Take It With You Award And The Phoby goes to... Your Sanity, as shown in the Aviator. But The Special Effects Were Cool Right? And The Phoby goes to... Sky Captain for thinking cg makes the world go round Honorable Mention... Pixar for proving the world revolves around computer animation. The Movie Most Relevant To Coach Kal's Class And The Phoby goes to... The Alamo cause thats what were learning about Honorable Mention... Audition? Honorable Mention... Delverance? Worst Emotion To Base A Movie Off And The Phoby goes to... Envy, please dont make me remeber it Honorable Mention... Anger, The Punisher i don't care what you say this is the Jan to Spiderman 2's Marcia and The Incredibles' Cindi Best Movie Based On Something That May or May not Exist And The Phoby goes to... Troy cause who knows maybe brad pitt is achielles Honorable Mention... The Day After Tomorrow cause it has a liberal bias... to great movie making Honorable Mention... The Polar Express it does exist though it does I Hope This Is All A Joke and I'm Goin to Wake Up Soon And The Phoby goes to... The Terminal, i mean it was about a guy in a terminal, where did it go astray? Honrable Mention... Manchurian Candidate cause Denzel Washington is black...(noise crickets make) The Its not the Matrix, But Thank God Its Not Matrix Revolutions Award And The Phoby goes to... Constantine i luv u keanu HE Won The Best Actor Oscar? And The Phoby goes to... Jamie Foxx for Collateral and his day time tv show he used to have You Think You Know, And Your Probably Right Award And The Phoby goes to... Cursed because Silver doesn't kill werewolves. And the spoon didnt jump over the moon? Honorable Mention... NC-17 mean no one under 17. just for clarification Best Zombie Romantic Comedy And The Phoby goes to... Um Shaun of the Dead because you cant understand a word their bloody saying for the first half an hour Best Use Of Words That Sound Dirty And The Phoby goes to... Meet The Fockers, used it wayy to much though Honorable Mention...Lemony Snicket say it out loud and ponder its true meaning The Why Do People Quote This Movie When They Could Be Quoting Harold & Kumar or Dodgeball And The Phoby goes to... Anchorman sure it was funny but it was also trite and asinine Honorable Mention... Napolean Dynamite ITS NOT FUNNY! Best Use Of Urine In A Feature Film And The Phoby goes to... The Aviator cause who knew urine could be a colorful decoration, very fung shui Honorable Mention... Dodgeball "It's sterile and I like the taste" Best Use Of Satanism And The Phoby goes to... Hellboy but he was such a cute little demon child Honorable Mention... Saved because Mady Moore and Joe Rayles make one hell of a team Sticky White Substances Award And The Phoby goes to... Spider-man 2 cause he like has the accuracy of a spider, and what distance. Most Visualy Satisfying Movie And The Phoby goes to... Hero, i like colors Honorable Mention... The Incredibles for its incredibleness. Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread, Having Been Invented The Year Before And The Phoby goes to... Silent Velcro in Garden State if only it was real Honorable Mention... White Castle and Church's chicken in the same place, heaven on earth' I Know Ive Said That Before And The Phoby goes to... Kaz because one day he will return, hes only proclaimed it a trillion time Best Use of Real y Fake Boobs And The Phoby goes to... Mean Girls man lindsey lohan sure grew up super fast from freaky friday *wink* *wink* Worst Movie Of The Year And The Phoby goes to... Envy for shame Jack Black For Shame. And dont look innocent Ben Stiller this movie is on your hands 2 Honorable Mention... The Grudge, The Ring 2, Hide And Seek, The Ring, Exorsist: The Beginning Best Picture And The Phoby goes to... Kill Bill Volume II for Quentin Tarintino is god and volume 1 got the shaft last year.What a great movie this was, totally different from vol 1 but just as satisfying and it concluded the whole movie so well it give you the feeling of this is how it sohuld end. not like matrix 3 where you get the feeling of this is the worst possible ending, seriously try to think of a worse ending. Any ways i cant wait for the next movie by quentin. Honorable Mention... The Incredibles, Harold & Kumar: Go To White Castle, Garden State... and pretty much any movie except Napoleon Dynamite So that concludes another year of movie watching and judging, and everyone knows that the climax comes in the 3rd act. And remember watch the Skis! (0) comments Wednesday, March 23, 2005
The Four Movies leading to the apocalypse!!!!!! Cursed And I saw, and behold a white horse: and he that sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him: and he went forth conquering, and to conquer. STUPID MOVIE ALERT! Now i know this may be to late for some but its not to late for the rental crowd. This movie isnt good. But it has Christina Ricci, she was hot in casper and i have a odd sexual atraction to her? Stay away i tell you she is a devil woman. But it has Wes Craven, WES craven, hes like pretty good right? NO, your only as good as your last flick, so Wes Craven sucks. But i like Werewolves? No you don't, why would you lie to yourself. Save yourself some money and catch an old werewolf movie on like amc on halloween. It will probly have a more believable werewolf plot. I mean how old is this story, girl meets guy, girl turns to werewolf, guy is already a werewolf, and theirs another werewolf. Stop me when it gets interesting. And a happy ending. It's a horror movie not a friggin romantic comedy, make it scary or better yet entertaining. And is it just me or is CG ruining movies. Very few movies, LOTR, can pull off adding CG monsters into a real live movie, it just doesnt work. Matilda Anyone? **/***** Robots And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword. Wooot. Someone up their likes Computer Animated movies, their always a hit. even when their not good. i mean look at Shark Tale. im sorry that was low. All i know is this movie out told toy story, out swam finding nemo, was more incredible than the incredibles, made more sense than the ring 2. Okay all those were lies except one. I'll give u a hint... its the ring 2. But how could this movie fail, it had a bigillion famous actors and actresses, it had robin williams and you didnt have to see his hairy naked body. And yes that would have made the movie worse. Slightly. Its a typical story of broken dreams... but with ROBOTS. i know, your exicted. Robots are the way of the future and if matrix taught us anything... dont make a sequel, and watever you do dont make a 2nd sequel ***/***** Be Cool And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand. I mean wats cooler than John Travolta's hair. Did you know he wears a wig and his actual hair is quite balding. fun fact. I know your probly crying right now. I mean i just stabbed my bayonet into everything that you believed in, like so much HAY! Now i never saw Get Shorty, and i dont really care to all that much. This was just a fun little flick that deverted my mind for several hours from more serious matters, like what calculator i use. Actually this movie was also star studded, like a personaly embroidered leather jacket. With Travolta and Thurman leading the charge this movie is the definition of worthless yet somehow entertaining hollywood fluff. Not fluffer you pervert. **/***** The Ring 2 And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. Easily the worst movie experience of the past 2 years. i cant put into words the annoyance i felt during this movie. It was like someone took a power drill, and started beating meover the head with it. Seriously if i had a gun i may have shot the people behind us. and NO court would convict me. This didnt help my perception of the craptastic movie. Somehow The Ring was critically acclaimed and became a "beloved" movie in the eyes of many teens. Did any one see the first one. Heres a refresher, It wasnt good. and this one somehow takes the formula for the ring and subtracts the suspense of 7 days, subtracts the atempt at plot, adds more off the grotesque looking kid, and adds more off the unkempt girl and it all adds up to about the same as the original. The spooks are as cliche as ever and some parts are funny instead of scary. Its eeriely reminiscent of Darkness Falls, which is in no means a compliment. But in the end i must ask myself one thing? is it fair to factor in annoying kids behind me as points against the movie. yes it is. This movie is geared to these prepubecent bastards whom noone loves, by being rated PG-13 and sucking... theyre gay...get it */***** (0) comments |