The Monotony of Monogamy

 
Piglet's Big Movie

Damn It Feel Good To Be A Gangsta

Brillant. Fantastic. Short. All of these words are fine and good but can not begin to describe Piglet's Big Movie. I laughed, i cryed but not nessecarily in that order. Seriously though this movie was really funny. The jokes were nice and wholesome, but their was some serious sexual innuendo. The story also makes use of some crazy logic that chillins(children) and youngins(more of the same) might not understand. Its HARD to GRASP as they would say in the movies. This "movie" has gotten a bad "rap" with the so called "cool" kids, but we all know if the movie was called "Piglet's Goes Postal Ft. P to the Ooh" everyone would see it. Just rate it PG-13 and youve got a blockbuster on your hands. And it would consequently win Best Picture at the oscars, but i digress and as a great man once told me no one likes a wordsmith.
***/*****

April 4th-"Phone Booth" (R)
April 11th-"House of 1000 Corpses" (R )
April 18th-"Holes" (PG)
April 25th-"Identity" (R)
May 2nd-"X²" (TBA)
May 9th-"The Lizzie McGuire Movie" (R)
May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (TBA)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (TBA)
May 30th-"The Italian Job" (TBA)
June 6th-"Master & Commander: Far Side of the World" (TBA)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)
posted by John at 7:29 PM

 
Five*****Star*****Collection
Giving Out Hope, Five Stars at a Time

Y Tu Mama Tambien
Softcore Porn Has Never Had This Much Story

Their are no words in English or German to describe this movie, but in Spanish it is... impressivo. Another foreign film get's 5 stars? Damn straight, foriegn film are the sizznat. This movie follows two guys on their road trip with a babe, a spanish babe... rowwwwwr. You know the saying "their is so much sexual tension i could cut it with a knife"? This saying has nothing to do with this movie, cause the tension doesnt last long if you get my drift, if you dont, you're most likely retarded. My only real complaint was too many scenes with naked guys, i kno some people may like that, but im not crazy about it. In conclusion this movie change my life, and it did it in spanish
*****
posted by John at 5:55 PM

 
Dreamcatcher

A peaceful relocation to your planet... after the genocide of course.

This was how do you say it... dissapointing. Im sorry but the aliens didnt work for me. was one race of aliens retarded and the other british or was i mistaken. And wat was the point of the slugs, are they the aliens pet slaves or their own race intirely seperate from the grays. And is it just me or does every villain have to be from europien decent, what about canada or mexico. I am outraged by the lack of respect for the evildoers tha come out of both of these countries. For Shame. To be honest this movie wasnt scary, but it was entertaining. i wanted to know wat happened next, until i saw wat happened, then i wanted to forget about wat i saw. This all said Dreamcatcher was better than both The Hunted and Tears of the Sun, but not a star better.
**/*****

Final Flight of the Osiris

i peaked... who could blame you.

Now this was cool. Totally worth the price of admission. While the animation and character models were amazing, the voice acting was not to my expectation. The fight scene left little to the imagination, and you know how i hate the imagination. i cant wait for the animatrix to come out on dvd... oh boy oh boy oh boy. 5 million dollars to make this 10 minute short boggles the mind. the sentinal army was a-maze-ing it was like shock and awe. crazy stuff.
****/*****

March 28th-"The Core" (PG-13)
April 4th-"Phone Booth" (TBA)
April 11th-"House of 1000 Corpses" (R )
April 18th-"Holes" (PG)
April 25th-"Identity" (R)
May 2nd-"X²" (TBA)
May 9th-"The Lizzie McGuire Movie" (R)
May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (TBA)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (TBA)
May 30th-"The Italian Job" (TBA)
June 6th-"Master & Commander: Far Side of the World" (TBA)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)

Questions?Comments?Suggestion?
im me at pebbley666
posted by John at 7:30 PM

 
Five*****Star*****Collection
Five Star's of Ultra-Violent Fun

Reservoir Dogs
Answering The Questions of Life, That Nobody Asked.

Quentin Tarantino's directoral debut is a big one. Reservoir Dogs was one of the fisrt ultra-violent movies, that are so common today. Complete with great dialogue that funny when it needs to be and funny when it doesnt need to be. This movie uses some crazy angle to give it a little style. The best part of this movie is the action is a appetizer to the entree that is the movie, it doesnt need to be there but you know you want it. Unlike today's crop which places action in front of the everything, even in front trailers, so you wont get bored. Even if you havent seen the movie you have most likely seen some sort of parody or at least a reference to the movie, their all over the place. My favorite has to be the Itchy & Scratchy take on the torture seen. Look for it next time in the Sherri Bobbins episode. NO LOVE STORY, i cant stress how much this helped, i dont want to see the hero kill the bad guys and then get with the girl. Which brings me to my final point, the ending of this movie, as in life, is not happy.
*****
posted by John at 4:45 PM

 
forgot :/
we are seeing Dreamcatcher, no questions asked period.

March 21st-"Dreamcatcher" (TBA)
March 28th-"The Core" (PG-13)
April 4th-"Ripley's Game" (R)
April 11th-"House of 1000 Corpses" (PG-13 )
April 18th-"Holes" (PG)
April 25th-"Identity" (R)
May 2nd-"X²" (TBA)
May 9th-"The Lizzie McGuire Movie" (R)
May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (TBA)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (TBA)
May 30th-"The Italian Job" (TBA)
June 6th-"Master & Commander: Far Side of the World" (TBA)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)

posted by John at 3:28 PM

 
The Hunted

There i was in the jungle of Cambodia, it was Satan's Birthday,and i had no clothes. I was tied to a tree, there i was with amazon woman to my right and wild boars to my left. It seemed they were argueing over who got to kill me... i spare you the details but i eventually got on a vietnamese fishing boat, playing russian roulette with your friendly neighborhood spiderman. it was my turn, a vietcong was yelling "didi mau" in my face i had just about enough, so i decided it would be his turn and i guess he lost. The vietcong werent pleased with this so, they through my off thier boat. Luckily tropical depression helen had just been upgraded to a hurricane. eventually i washed up on shore, i dont remember much after this, but somehow i made it to russia. did i say russia i ment poland, those communists are hard to keep seperate. well since i was the smartest person in the whole country a violent coup occured and they asked my to lead. i declined and left the country, i must of walked into france because the whole french army surrended at the sight of me, a unarmed civilan. then i started tripping, the country was frick'n spinnen i eventuallly passed out. i woke up and i was in canada. my head was throbbing, a bunch off canadiens were huddled around me and a few were worshiping me. they asked to see the mighty american dollar, i went for my wallet, and then bang a mounty shot me.i fell to the ground and passed out from the pain. i regained my senses in a hospital, they said i had been shot 48 times. You might say, 48 you have to be dead well you obviously forgot i got shot by canadien bullets so it was equalvilant to being shot with a tranquilizer dart. i closed my eyes, and when i opened them i was in morroco standing next to a vendor... buying a fez hat

Nothing to say about The Hunted
**/*****
posted by John at 10:14 PM

 
Five*****Star*****Collection
Reviewing Movies that deserve Five Stars from a time past.

Run Lola Run
A Stylistic Tour de Force... German Style

I love my foreign movies. This is one of my favorites. It shows you how important choices, the way it was meant to be done, with style. It is quite short but, if it was any longer it would be confusing as hell. The first time you watch it you will be lost until about the last twenty minutes, for this reason enjoyed my sencond viewing more than my first. This has the best soundtrack...ever. Most of the movie is the Franke Potote (the chick from The Bourne Identity) running but the soundtrack makes it awesome. The best part of the movie is seeing how the extras future's change each time. If this movie has a moral it is most definitly... that you should play roulette as often as possible. Scheiße
*****
posted by John at 4:52 PM

 
Tears of the Sun

Boring, i was trying no to fall asleep this whole movie. It was way to long and they action scenes were way to far apart. The rebels had to all be retarded because they could hit well... anything. The seals would have been over run in about two seconds even if the rebels didnt have guns period. I did like how the missionary's shirt kept losing buttons. Also that chick was hot, and she got hotter as she got dirtier, culminating in her hottest moment at the end. Nice Touch. The pillaging and plundering scenes were top notch. The dialouge was crap, most of the movie was silence or some african music. Who ever said you cant hear silence though, oh yea i did.
**/*****

March 14th-"The Hunted" (R)
March 21st-"Dreamcatcher" (TBA)
March 28th-"The Core" (PG-13)
April 4th-"Ripley's Game" (R)
April 11th-"House of 1000 Corpses" (PG-13 )
April 18th-"Holes" (PG)
April 25th-"Identity" (R)
May 2nd-"X²" (TBA)
May 9th-"The Lizzie McGuire Movie" (R)
May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (TBA)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (TBA)
May 30th-"The Italian Job" (TBA)
June 6th-"Master & Commander: Far Side of the World" (TBA)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)
posted by John at 12:29 PM

 
The Recruit
Post Snow-Day Special Review

Ah the trouble of mediocracy. The averageness of this movie is unsurpassed by any movie in recent movie. What can i say, except the ending brought this movie down. I was at least enjoying the movie until it ended, wtf im tried of happy ending i want someone to be screwed. It had a Confessions of a Dangerous mind vibe coming from it but Confessions is soooo much cooler and more funny. And what the hell was with the torturing him so he would quit, thats just stupid, they were going about it all wrong, they were way too nice. If im ever captured im expecting to be treated like shit and maimed a little, not feed and definitally not have pants thrown at me like so much stale confetti

**/*****

Minor Revisions
March 7th-"Tears of the Sun" (R)
March 14th-"The Hunted" (R)
March 21st-"Dreamcatcher" (TBA)
March 28th-"The Core" (PG-13)
April 4th-"Ripley's Game" (R)
April 11th-"House of 1000 Corpses" (PG-13 )
April 18th-"Holes" (PG)
April 25th-"Identity" (R)
May 2nd-"X²" (TBA)
May 9th-"The Lizzie McGuire Movie" (R)
May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (TBA)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (TBA)
May 30th-"The Italian Job" (TBA)
June 6th-"Master & Commander: Far Side of the World" (TBA)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)
posted by John at 4:32 PM

 
The 1st Annual Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia movie award spectacular!
Awarding Movies in Catagories That Make no Sense!

Worst Special Effects In A Movie
And The Phoby goes to... Darkness Falls for that over exposed crap fest they called Matilda

Worst Acting In A Feature Film
And The Phoby goes to... Hayden Christensen for his great work in Star Wars II, hopefully the replace him digitaly with a lamppost in Star Wars Episode III

Its Funny When It Happens To Them Award
And The Phoby goes to... Jesse Bradford as Ben in Swimfan for being stalked. I feel youre pain

The That Remind Me of Kelly Award
And The Phoby goes to... Erika Christensen as Madison Bell for stalking.
Honorable Mention... That Whore in Gangs of New York (no shirt on)

Most Nudity in a Movie Thats NOT Porn
And The Phoby goes to... Y Tu Mama Tambien
Honorable Mention... Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Best Use of KY Jelly Award
And The Phoby goes to... Old School For its brillant KY Jelly wrestling and flashing scene

Hottest Chick In a Mediocre Movie Award
And The Phoby goes to... Jennifer Garner for her amazing use of leather in Daredevil

Best Use of a Circular Object In a Movie Award
And The Phoby goes to... Lord of the Ring: The Two Towers
Honorable Mention... Lord of the Ring: The Fellowship of The Ring

Worst Use of a Circular Object In a Movie Award
And The Phoby goes to... The Ring for tha circle thing

Best Throw Back To Ancient Rome Award
And The Phoby goes to... Gods & Generals for the speech about croosing the Rubicon brought to us by Mr Filo
Honorable Mention... Star Trek Nemisis for the whole Romulus and Remes Thing

The Thats Going to be Justin in a Few Years Award
And The Phoby goes to... Sam Rockwell for standing nude in his apartment in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
Honorable Mention... Tobey Maguire for being bit by a Geneticly Altered Spider

Continuing Racial Sterotypes Cause Someone Has to Award
And The Phoby goes to... Bad Company for continuing dieing sterostypes

Best Use of Hot Chicks in Bikinis Award
And The Phoby goes to... Blue Crush for having so many hot chicks in so little bathing suits

Best Scenery for a Movie
And The Phoby goes to... Detroit for being so da bomb fo shizzle my nizzle

Funniest Movie of The Year By Far Award
And The Phoby goes to... Super Troopers not seeing this movie should be sum kind of a Sin

Most Blatant Advertising in a Movie
And The Phoby goes to... Minority Report for the fox logo when he got his eyes changed and because the movie sucked
Honorable Mention... 8 Crazy Nights for the singing and dancing

Worst Movie Named Signs Award
And The Phoby goes to... Signs because i had to recongize its crappiness

Defies Physics Award (sucks and blows at the same time)
And The Phoby goes to... Swimfan for lowering the bar for every other movie
Honorable Mention... Darkness Falls for trying to go under that bar previously mentioned

Best Use of Hannibal Lecter in a Movie Award
And The Phoby goes to... Red Dragon because it needed an award

Best Use of The Word Shit in a Movie
And The Phoby goes to... 25th Hour for that Black Cop Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

Most Things That Had to do with X-men in a Movie Award
And The Phoby goes to... 25th Hour for having Pyro Rougue Stryker and that i wish i was that chick who can walk through walls joke

Easiest to Buy Award
And The Phoby goes to... Die Another Day for if given enough money he would drive a Astro Van
Honorable Mention... xXx for being a copy of Bond

The I Miss Martin Sheen Award
And The Phoby goes to... Gods & Generals for replacing him with Robert Duval

The Greastest Thing Since Sliced Bread Award
And The Phoby goes to... Intermission o how i love thee

Worst Sequel Award
And The Phoby goes to... Men in Black II for not being good

Are They High Award
And The Phoby goes to... Scooby Doo for it makes you think are they high?

The Worst Movie Of 2002
And The Phoby goes to... Swimfan nuff said

Best Picture
And The Phoby goes to... 25th Hour for that Dog, the fuck you monolouge, the xmen stuff, the r kelly jokes, that chick, the leather jacket, the 911 stuff, the black cop, shiiiiiit, the obtical illusion man, the crazy bar scenes, the part where he kicks the shit out of his friend, when he says what the do to people like him in prison, and finally for Seragusa being pistol whipped nuff said

This Concludes Are Awards
We had some laughs we had some fun but noooooow it time for it to ennnnnnnd!
Good Night
posted by John at 10:51 AM

 
My take on the list
out of *****
12/7/01 Oceans 11...nuthin to say ***
12/19/01 Lord of the Rings... Excellent ****
4/12/02 Changing Lanes... Total Crap **
4/19/02 The Scorpion King... The Rock Rocks **
5/3/02 Spiderman... Wat the hell was with no theme song till the end of the credits. And way to much CG ***
5/16/02 Star Wars II... Ive seen better acting on mold, Yoda gave it its one star *
5/31/02 The Sum of all Fears... Stay sway if youve seen the trailers *
6/7/02 Bad Company... Suprising, but not good **
6/14/02 Scooby Doo... Put a stain on the cartoon that will never go away **
6/14/02 The Bourne Identity... Woooo Franke Potete (iknow ididnt spell it right) rocks, watch RUN LOLA RUN ***
6/21/02 Minority Report... Was it just me or did this movie blow, Wins award for most blatant advertising, yes over 8 crazy nights *
7/3/02 Men in Black II... Too short **
7/19/02 K-19... No DAS BOOT but than again what is ***
7/26/02 Goldmember... No No No ive had enough of this **
8/2/02 Signs... I could right a book about y this movie sucked so bad, mayb later *
8/9/02 xXx... What can i say... HANS DANCE... nuff said ***
8/16/02 Blue Crush... Hott chicks in bikinis couldnt save this movie, but they did ***
8/23/02 S1m0ne... half the time the chick was real not cool **
9/6/02 Swimfan... This is not a typo >NO STARS<
10/4/02 Red Dragon... WAtch MANHUNTER it has a better ending ****
10/18/02 The Ring... NO MORE now in hell they just show this movie over and over and over *
10/25/02 Jackass... Brillant ***
11/8/02 8 Mile... Eminem was a little to whiny but DETROIT WHAT?!? ***
11/15/02 Harry Potter II... didnt see but im sure it sucked
11/22/02 Die Another Day 007... Subpar when it comes to bond (i miss Pussy) ***
12/13/02 Star Trek Nemisis... Great GO JOHN LUKE GO ***
C12/18/02 Lord of the Rings II... Better thatn the 1st ****
12/20/02 Gangs of new York... Its actually pretty stupid if you really pay attention ***
12/25/02 Catch Me if You Can... ill catch you good ***
12/27/02 Chicago... i dont remember it but it was good ***
12/27/02 Confessions of a Dangerous Mind... i loved this movie ****
12/27/02 25th Hour... Shiaaat Thx You Spike Lee ****
1/24/03 Darkness Falls... on its face *
2/14/03 Daredevil... Jennifer Garner alone gets 2 stars **
(Date Unknown) Old School... Could of been better **
2/21/03 Gods and Generals... The War of Northern Agreesion without Martin Sheen, ill have no part in this tomfoolery ***

posted by John at 4:12 PM

 
Gods & Generals

It was actually pretty good. The 4 hours seemed more like 3, but the real highlight was the intermission. Now that was something. There should be intermisions in every movie. I can dream. Without Martin Sheen it felt like it was missing something, most notably Martin Sheen. I cant wait for the final piece on the trilogy of the War of Northern Aggression.

March 7th-"Tears of the Sun" (R)
March 14th-"The Hunted" (R)
March 21st-"Dreamcatcher" (TBA)
March 28th-"The Core" (PG-13)
April 4th-"Ripley's Game" (R)
April 11th-"Anger Management" (PG-13 )
April 18th-"Holes" (PG)
April 25th-"Identity" (R)
May 2nd-"X²" (TBA)
May 9th-"The Lizzie McGuire Movie" (R)
May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (TBA)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (TBA)
May 30th-"The Italian Job" (TBA)
June 6th-"Master & Commander: Far Side of the World" (TBA)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)

Tears of the Sun im not expecting much. In fact im expecting so little iwont care if the movie is good or not :)

posted by John at 8:07 PM