The Monotony of Monogamy

 
Michael Myers vs Dracula
Micheal Myers dominates this fight, he is just to cool. I mean he is like evil incarnate. And he can take a beating, and always seems not to die. Myers just has the better movie, also, that doesn't include the sequel. Dracula however would put up a good fight, but come on how could he bite through that leather mask. He has no way of putting Myers down for the count, and so will get pummeled beyond recongizition, until he turns into a bat and is subsiquently barbequed

Freddy vs Headless Horsemen
I dont really know how this would take place, partly because both the horse and the man are... dead, and so would have trouble dreaming. So Freddy would have to go to the real world, thus taking away his main power and leaving him helpless to Christopher Walken's sweet justice

Leatherface vs Pumpkinhead
This seems obvious, but one small thing complicates it all. I think Jason Lee said it best "I'm a fricken demon" So my Leatherfaced friend's favorite power tool would do little more than delay the inevitable. Also and probaly most importantly, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is being remade by the man, no the legend, no Michael Bay. You may know him from the classic "Pearl Harbor" or maybe the visionary "Bad Boys II"

Widerstand ist Vergeblich
posted by John at 5:59 PM

 
Double "Insert Adjective Here" Action

S.W.A.T

Revenge is mine saithe the lord

What a sweet theme song, very catchy, and also the highlight of the movie. This movie should not have been as entertaining as it was, i mean its a end of summer cop thriller. Those kind of movie are horrid, and yet Swat as disturbingly entertaining, while not original by any means. The action sequences were partly believable, like some one might be able to do that. Might. However, as to be expected, the dialogue, was how do the french say it, craptastical. Poetic Liscence. Patent Pending. Sadly this is one of the better movies i have seen in recent memory.
***/*****

My Boss's Daughter

And you only hit me when you're bored

Golly Gee Whiz. A tour de force of film making splendor. Is not what this movie is, or was even close to. This movie however did show signs of mediocrity, at the beginning. Then bogged itself down with side storys, and with being a bad movie. Seriously who writes these movies, and where can i get in on this action. Its like free money,scribble some ideas about a guy who is a stalker, blah blah blah, close with happy ending. Or mix it up and have the girl be obsesive, and rake in even more money. I wonder if the the romantic comedy writer will ever unionize. Because it seems to me a monkey, albeit a highly skilled primate, or even Woody Allen could write these scripts. That's right i went there.
*/*****

August 29th- "The Medallion" (PG-13)
September 5th- "The Order" (R)
September 12th- "Matchstick Men" (PG-13)
September 19th- "Underworld" (R)
September 26th- "The Rundown" (PG-13)
October 3rd- "Scary Movie 3" (TBA)
October 10th- "Kill Bill" (TBA)
October 17th- "The Runaway Jury" (PG-13)
October 24th- "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (R)
October 31st- "Alien: Re-Release" (R)
November 5th- "The Matrix Revolutions" (TBA)
posted by John at 6:34 PM

 
1st Round

Jason vs Dracula
Hmm battle of the undead, ill have to give this one to the underdog king of the living impaired, Dracula. While he doesn't have the pure strength as his bald headed friend, he is super cool. He has no shadow, thats just tripping. aLso the only way to kill Dracula is a stake in the heart, and Jason isnt much of a stake man. He likes hamburgers, big machete hamburgers.

Freddy vs. Ghostface
Not even a fight, more of a one sided battle. Ghostface doesn't stand a chance. Unless he OD on pep pills, thus taking his own life, Freddy will make him, his bitch for eternity

Chucky vs Pumpkinhead
Go Pumpkinhead, although i have yet to see this demons movie, i have seen a Child play movie. And even i could defeat Chucky, come on its a doll. Colt 45 to the head, and he is down for the count. Hell i bet u could just step on him, maybe play a little soccer with his detached head

Leatherface vs Mrs Voorheis
I dunno Mrs Voorheis, has tenacity, but Leatherface is just plain fucked up. Its a toss up. But if i were a betting man, which i am, i would give it to Leatherface.

Pinhead vs Headless Horseman
No Question, Christopher Walken always wins. Pinhead isn't even cool.
posted by John at 2:20 PM

 
Freddy vs. Jason

Were you born worthless, or did you have to work at it?

Keep the good times rolling. This movie is much better than any of the Jason or Freddy movies i have seen. And their will no doupt be a sequel of some sorts. The movie kept rollin with good action, but man did the acting blow. The girls were obviously cast what their mom's, or their favorite doctor gave them. Mostly the latter. The movie even made a point of the not "upgraded" gal that wanted to get plastic surgery. The movie tried to downplay its story, at one point instead of explaining the situation, the actors opted instead to dance! Good choice, by me. who doesnt love to dance? Obviously, Jason. Needless to say fun times where had by all, some people almost stared to clap, not sure at what though. This movie wont please non-slasher fans, but who the hell doesn't like slashers? In the end the moral of the story is simple, drugs, only drugs, can save you from a horrible fate.
***/*****

August 22nd-"My Boss' Daughter" (PG-13)
August 29th- "The Medallion" (PG-13)
September 5th- "The Order" (R)
September 12th- "Matchstick Men" (PG-13)
September 19th- "Underworld" (R)
September 26th- "The Rundown" (PG-13)
October 3rd- "Scary Movie 3" (TBA)
October 10th- "Kill Bill" (TBA)
October 17th- "The Runaway Jury" (PG-13)
October 24th- "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (R)
October 31st- "Alien: Re-Release" (R)
November 5th- "The Matrix Revolutions" (TBA)
posted by John at 1:07 PM

 
Seabiscuit

I only drank so that the Statue Of Liberty would take her clothes off.

Man this movie was bordering on tedious, all throughout. Long periods of time where nothing happened seem to be the norm. But the action that was there did suffice. The acting was quality, some better than other. Personally i liked the announcer, those sound effects rocked. Now i have nothing against drama, as long as it is interesting. The movie started out slow, picked up some speed where it then climaxed, the only problem is it didnt stop there, no not even a climactic event could stop the biscuit. If this movie wasnt based upon actual events it would have been laughable. But it was based on actual events and is thus an amazing story, albeit a long and tedious one.
***/*****

August 15th-"Freddy vs. Jason" (R)
August 22nd-"My Boss' Daughter" (PG-13)
August 29th- "The Medallion" (PG-13)
September 5th- "The Order" (TBA)
September 12th- "Matchstick Men" (PG-13)
September 19th- "Underworld" (R)
September 26th- "The Rundown" (TBA)
October 3rd- "Scary Movie 3" (TBA)
October 10th- "Kill Bill" (TBA)
October 17th- "The Runaway Jury" (PG-13)
October 24th- "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (R)
October 31st- "Alien: Re-Release" (R)
November 5th- "The Matrix Revolutions" (TBA)
posted by John at 6:13 PM

 
American Wedding

You've never heard of the "Getting Some" clause?

Damn this movie felt like an eternity, and it kept on dragging its feet around important teen problems. Like when a dog eats a ring, or when you have sex with your friends grandma. It treats these serious, serious problems as if they were a joke, and i for one can verify they are no joke. One to many times. And no Shannon Elizabeth, is bad by it self, but no Tara Reid is inexcusable. A few other main cast members were missing but no other biggies. Stifler seemed odd at the start, he didn't seem like the Stifmeister, but he got better as the movie went on. While Wedding was better than American Pie 2, its not even close to the original
**/*****

August 8th-"S.W.A.T." (PG-13)
August 15th-"Freddy vs. Jason" (R)
August 22nd-"My Boss' Daughter" (PG-13)
August 29th- "The Medallion" (PG-13)
September 5th- "The Order" (TBA)
September 12th- "Matchstick Men" (PG-13)
September 19th- "Underworld" (R)
September 26th- "The Rundown" (TBA)
October 3rd- "Scary Movie 3" (TBA)
October 10th- "Kill Bill" (TBA)
October 17th- "The Runaway Jury" (PG-13)
October 24th- "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (R)
October 31st- "Alien: Re-Release" (R)
November 5th- "The Matrix Revolutions" (TBA)
posted by John at 7:32 PM

 
Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over

The real power, the power we have to fight for night and day, is not the power over things, but over men

Lets get one thing straight, this movie was horrid. The acting was horrific, what happened Sly? The story was doubleplus ungood. And the ending was just wrong, a sin against humanity is a understatment. Twas not all superlitively bad though. The highlights include the 3-D glasses, but the 3-D graphics were disapointing. And following the rule that every movie should have Steve Buscemi, Spy Kids had Steve Buscemi. Well this whole movie must have been a glitch, a flaw in the pattern. Never Again
*/*****

Soon-"Seabiscuit" (PG-13)
Sooner-"American Wedding" (R)
August 8th-"S.W.A.T." (PG-13)
August 15th-"Freddy vs. Jason" (R)
August 22nd-"My Boss' Daughter" (PG-13)
August 29th- "The Medallion" (PG-13)
September 5th- "The Order" (TBA)
September 12th- "Matchstick Men" (PG-13)
September 19th- "Underworld" (R)
September 26th- "The Rundown" (TBA)
October 3rd- "Scary Movie 3" (TBA)
October 10th- "Kill Bill" (TBA)
October 17th- "The Runaway Jury" (PG-13)
October 24th- "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (R)
October 31st- "Alien: Re-Release" (R)
November 5th- "The Matrix Revolutions" (TBA)
posted by John at 8:07 PM