The Monotony of Monogamy

 
I love . . . lamp.

Directed by the same people that brought you Anchorman, here is the Brick story. While none of the characters are the same, Andy (Carell's character), is basically a somewhat smarter version of Brick. Possibly Brick 2.0, maybe even 3.0. Andy hasn't had any luck with the ladies, and we can assume that Brick is in a similar predicament. In an after hours poker game, Andy's co-workes / "friends" discover that he is a virgin. So these fellows decide to help get Andy some bootay. Of course, they all give him conflicting advice, none of which really helps Andy find what he truely wants, love. Firstly, we have David. David was in a relationship for a few months, then dumped the girl because she was cheating on him. And for the past 2 years, he's regretted dumping her and reminisces about their past relationship. Not exactly the best guy to be talking to about love and the such. And he played Brian Fantana in Anchorman and put on Sex Panther (It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good). Next, we have Jay. The man who cheats on his girlfriend just because he can. Yep, great role model. Then we have Cal. Cal was an "Eager Cameraman" in Anchorman and Im not sure where his "expertise" on women came from, but it was probably the most sane advice.

This movie was hilarious, from beginning to end. From that first morning wood scene, to the final Anchorman-esque musical sequence, this movie kept me laughing. Much of this humor was created by Andy's inexperience and quirkiness, which Carell portrayed perfectly.

Overall: I give this movie a clown car. It has me wondering, how can all that humor be contained in such a small space? And why cant other movies be magical like this one? Go see this movie as soon as you can. It's just that good.

Book of Wise Pohl, Chapter 8, Verse 27: She's hurtin' for a squirtin'.


posted by Dave at 4:04 PM

 
Scooby Scooby Doo, where are you?

Summary time: so this hospice care worker (Kate Hudson) decides she doesnt like the hospital she works at and leaves to work as a live-in with an elderly couple. The man just had a heart attack while in the attic which just so happens to be the location of the old "servant" quarters. These werent ordinary servants, these were hoodoo practicing servants. Without revealing too much of the "biggest twist since Sixth Sense" (which was also used as a tag line for [i]The Village[/i]), I will say that it got me. Yes, I actually didnt predict the outcome of this movie. It's amazing. That alone makes this movie better (and because that ending actually fit with the plot). However, the rest of the movie followed classic "horror movie" structure: overly curious person explores in places they shouldnt and end up pissing some people / spirits / demons off. Then, said person attempts to find some way to defeat the evil being, and usually does so. Usually. And, as Greaney so astutely pointed out, the Scooby Doo Syndrome is in full effect.

A few little things that annoyed me / made me laugh / were memorable for some reason or another:

The skeleton key really had nothing to do with the plot. All it did was allow Kate to open all the doors in the house, which, for some unknown reason, needed to be locked and unlocked every time someone wanted to pass through them. There was only 1 logical reason to keep any door locked, the door to the husband's room. Other than that, there was absolutely no reason to lock and unlock ever single door and therefore no reason at all for the skeley key and the title of the movie.

The electricity was out, yet the wheel-chair lift still worked? And bullshit hoodoo moved the lift. As it was clearly stated in the movie, hoodoo only works if you believe in it, therefore it is all in the mind, and Im fairly certain that the lift doesnt have a brain.

When Hudson suplexed the lady over the top rail. Followed closely by the line "I think you broke my legs". Nothing wrong with it, just a blatantly funny moment in an otherwise 'serious' movie.

Kate Hudson, or as I have now dubbed her "Curious Caroline," constantly waking up, and walking around . . . in a small t-shirt and panties. But I guess that's proper sleep-wear / exploration gear in the Louisiana swamps.

Overall: I give this movie a plane trip to a foreign land. The trip there is rather predictable and mondaine, but the final result is somewhat startling. This movie really isnt all that scary, even the wee lasses in the theater only screamed about 5 times. But it's still worth a look-see with a somewhat decent plot.

Book of Wise Pohl, Chapter 8, Verse 29: 'My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings;
Look on my works. Ye Mighty, and despair!'


posted by Dave at 12:12 AM

 
So these two cousins, Bo and Luke Duke have a sweet Charger and drive the hell out of it. They piss off the local cops, the state cops, and the all-powerful Burt Reynolds. The movie is filled with their antics of reckless driving, blowing stuff up, promiscuousness, and all around tomfoolery.

So Boss Hogg (Reynolds) is up to no good again and the Dukes find out about it (with the help of some top-notch investigation by Daisy Duke). When Uncle Jesse's farm is seized because of his moonshine buisness, its up to the cousins (Daisy included) to get it back. With some help from the General Lee avec the Confederate Flag, Bo and Duke not only save their farm, but the whole town of Hazzard, GA.

I liked Seann William Scott's and John Knocksville's portrayal of two southern troublemakers. Willy Nelson made a sweet old moonshiner who tokes up in the "smoke" house. And looking at Jessica Simpson in short shorts and bikini tops was not a downside. Sidebar, she annoys me whenever she speaks. Anyways, Farva makes an appearance as a demolitions "expert" as well as all of the other Super Trooper cops, even making direct reference to the film. Maybe because Ramathorn of Car Ram-Rod directed both films.

Overall: I give this movie a clown car in an accident, with another clown car. It has it all - sweet cars, funny people, and violence. What more could you ask for? I can think of a few things, but that's neither here nor there. Its a decent film with a solid cast. See it if you like not too much plot with a big side of sweetness.

Book of Wise Pohl, Chapter ¿, Verse é: Renegers will get you every time.


posted by Dave at 1:10 AM

 
Wow. That was just disturbing. Even more so than Saw. (Note - I havent seen House of 1000 Corpses, which this movie is a sequal to and which is apparently much more gruesome)

So this family goes around abducting people, then torturing, raping, and murdering them in various ways. Finally the local PD catch up with them and turn their house into a much more open space through the use of lead projectiles. So 2 of the family members survive the raid and escape and meet up with their crazy dad, kill some more people, torture more people, and then kill some more people. Good times. The Gung-ho cop finally catches them and breaks rule #6 in the Evil Overlord's Handbook: "I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them." If you go by the handbook, you will succeed. He didnt, case closed.

Moral of the story: Rob Zombie is one sick and twisted man. But he sure does know how to add gratuitous nudity to a movie. You think its all done, then BAM, theres a boob. Oh hey, there's the other one. This movie was probably 2 nipples away from a NC-17 rating. And thanks for making clown's even weirder and ruin more of my childhood memories.

Overall: I give this movie a cooked roadkill. It could be worse, but its still disgusting. It was a good Monday nighter.

Book of Wise Pohl, Chapter Threve, Verse V: "Boy, the next word outta your mouth better be some brilliant f---in' Mark Twain sh--t, 'cause it is definitely gettin' chiseled on your tombstone. "
-Otis, one of Rob Zombie's crazy ass characters


posted by Dave at 11:43 AM

 
Im moving to a new shorter, more concise, less actual reviewing format

Kingdom of Heaven
A well directed, and fun to watch movie about the crusades, too bad their wasnt much crusading in this movie. And if i remember it draged on in between the scoldings
***/*****

Unleashed
Jet Li beats up people, Morgan Freeman is wise, its can't be bad. Life lessons for all!
****/*****

Monster-in-law
Oh no Jane Fonda, dont treason me! I mean Jane Fonda and J.Lo in a movie, i cant be good, and it isnt. But it isnt terrible, its definitly watchable and possibly a good date movie.
**/*****

Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
You gotta give it to George, he tries so hard to ruin Star Wars. Well not this time, your horrible directing skills are little match for Darth Vader. <> (you suck at writing dialogue too george) definitly the best prequel!
****/*****

Madagascar
A cute little computer animated flick, with enough references to twilight zone and other cool things to keep me happy. too bad pixar didn't make it
***/*****

Batman Begins
Best movie of the summer so far, its dark and fun and it has Batman. Or should i say the bat man. Good show all round. And it has morgan freeman, but the real highlight of the movie is Cillian Murphy, i kinda wish he was bat man
****/*****

Land of the Dead
A Cute little zombie flick, that while creepy doesn provide enough scares. i do like the idea of Zombies trying to imitate real people and starting to learn. And the people already know to shoot the zombies in the head, yeaaah.
***/*****

March of the Penguins
A delightful little documentry about everyones favorite birds, that think their fish. Who doesnt like Penguins, Satan possibly? No, everyone likes penguins. And Morgan Freeman is in it. A very disturbing trend has arisen
****/*****

War of the Worlds
What starts out as a very effective showing of what would happen if aliens tried to take over, but just remeber to turn off your brain when you watch it. And then the movie ends, here is where it shoots itself in the foot, then cuts its other foot off, and procedes to beat itself to death with it. I also wasnt to fond of the 9/11 references.
**/*****

Fantastic Four
Whoa, why cant i see Jessica Alba. not cool. This is the epitomy of chessyness and bad writing. And not to mention those quote unquote sweet xtreme moments with johnny storm, who ironically was the only of the four i could stand.
**/*****

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
A delightful little romp through the crazed head of Tim Burton. I found Johnny Depp's Wonka hilarious, it was fun to see the kids get "killed" off. I did enjoy the ending more than the original movie's, but can u really compare. I really dont see the Michael Jackson comparisons
****/*****

Wedding Crashers
A riproaring comedy which is a must see for the adult crowd, plus it has the girl from The Notebook. It really is a romantic comedy at heart, and it slows down considerably towards the end, but hell this movie is hilarious
****/*****
posted by John at 3:11 PM

 
Simply amazing. Easily the funniest movie this year.

Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson are two best friends who travel around crashing weddings to sleep with various women, and they're good at what they do. However, at the Secretary of the Treasury (Christopher Walken)'s daughter's wedding, the pair fall for the Secretary's other two daughters. Hillarity ensues as they attempt to hide their true identies while still getting the chicks.

I've discovered that its so much easier to write bad reviews than good ones. There really isnt much else to say: This movie was hi-larious from begining to end.

Overall: I give this movie a hot chocolate in the middle of winter. It is so necessary to life, I dont know how you can survive without it. Go see it, right now.

Book of Wise Pohl, Chapter 11, Verse 0.02: And he said, "Play the best song, in the world, or I'll eat your souls!"

posted by Dave at 1:10 PM

 
Sin City

Hooray for good movies! This was a beacon in the darkness that is the current movie selection. This movie went for the direct adaption of a comic book, excuse me, graphic novel as one can get. It truly felt like you were reading a comic book. Which is either really sweet or eh? I mean its been done before, but not to this degree, and not this swelly. The acting was unbelevable especially mickey rourke who caried the movie and should of been in the whole damn thing. sin city is cplit up into 3 stories which is nice since its like watching 3 movies, but disapointing since you know that one is going to be better that the rest. The only real knock on the 3 stories thing is that they are so loosely tied together its kinda ridiculous. It truly feels like three movies with one or two reacurring characters. Dont get me wrong they are three good movies, but they are pretty much three seperate movies. My last complaint about an amazing movie is the voice overs, while they can be entertaining they are overdone. I know i know its a comic book, but come on the voice overs can get a little tiresome. But thank you for this movie
****/*****

The Amityville Horror

Oh My God, people clapped for this movie. If you can call it that. This was the most blatantly stereotypical horror regurgitation since who knows when. It makes no qualms about its crap ass duct taped together story. It doesnt even know who its bad guy is? its like they added one of those creepy girls in their just so everything is in order for those teens. Seriously can a horror movie be made without a little girl, i mean somehow people did it for years, but suddenly its impossible to make a movie without one. This movie is in no way scary, instead it goes for the person appears then disapears the next frame type of shocks. i swear to god it has a clock and every 10 mins it does a half ass attempt to spook a 4 year old. Why must god hate us so much that he would allow a movie like this to be made. People clapped for this movie! People CLAPPED! Whazits? how! have they never seen a motion picture before did the pretty lights and silver screen shock them into amazment, were they sexually atracted to van wilder. How can people like this movie, to any degree. I have lost my faith in humanity.
*/*****

Kung Fu Hustle

Left, left,left,right,left, Another good movie. Good ole chinese people, or japanese, why are you so good at making movies, why do we stupid americans suck so much at making them. I mean if it wasnt for letting us remake the ring, you guys would be my heroes. The action in this movie is so zany,(how zany?) that youll think you are watching a really zany movie. Hey, shutup, you come up with a better analogy. This is what happens when analogies are taken of the SAT. Thank you Communism for that one, thank you. You know what i have noticed its alot easier to right scathing reviews than it is to write positive ones, maybe thats why most critics dont bother praising movies and just denounce them as a sin whose gravity is close to that of Phallocide. Maybe thats why my amityville review was so fun to write. Any ways in conclusion if u you like kung fu movie, japanese people, or chinese food you will love this movie, i guarantee it!(guarantee void in utah)
****/*****
posted by John at 6:24 PM

 
The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

There is a painful difference between the expectation of an unpleasant event and its final certainty.

The Only thing wrong with this film is... its not funny. No its not funny. The only thing slanderous about koz's review is that it didn't slander this movie enough. All i hear was o but the book this, the book that, i dont care about the book, i care about the movie. Newsflash: You shouldn't have to read a book to enjoy a movie. This movie is not a book. The real problem with this movie is that it thinks its funny a lot more often than it actually is, and its british. This just proves once and for all that British people suck. And i for one am glad we won the revolutionary war for the sole reason of had we lost i would be from the same country as the people who made this movie. The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy wasnt boring, it wasnt funny, it was kind of in that gray area called mediocricy. Maybe if you are already a fan of the book you can understand its odd form of humor, but this movie certainly wont win too many new fans. And if dolphons are so smart why cant they stop me from clubbing their young?
**/*****
posted by John at 1:59 PM

 
Finally, a movie that lives up to the hype.

This movie starts out as 3 separate movies set in the same city. The first 1:20ish of the movie is spent on the 3 stories individually. But the last 40 or so minutes of the movie go back and show how the stories were intertwined and resolved.

The first story is of an old cop, John Hartigan (Bruce Willis), near retirement, who saves an 11 year old girl from being molested and raped by a Senator's son (Nick Stahl). But then ends up getting shot several times.

The second story revolves around Marv (Mickey Rourke) who goes on a killing spree to avenge the murder of a prostitutre, Goldie (Jaime King). Even after getting shot several times, gettin cut many many places, and fighting numerous ansillary guards, Marv finally gets to Kevin (Elijah Wood) who is a crazy little kid with some sick tendancies.

The third story centers on Dwight (Clive Owen) and his new girlfriend's (Brittany Murphy) old boyfriend, Jack Rafferty (Benicio Del Toro). After the murder of Rafferty, all of Dwight's friends, who are conviently prostitutes, are in some serious trouble.

Now you might be looking at those seemingly separate plots and not seeing any possible way those could relate. Probably because I left out alot of details because half the genius of this movie is how it all comes together in the end. Quentin Tarantino directed one of these subplots, though Im not exactly sure which, I have a good idea.

A vast majority of the movie is in black and white. Though, like Schindler's List, there is spuradic color to accentuate certain aspects of the film. The colors on the screen drew the eye to what the directors wanted us to see, such as the massive amounts of blood or the color and beauty of someone's eyes.

Overall: I give this movie a cert mint after nothing but dirt for a year. It's new, its exciting, its incredibly refreshing. It has different elements that work so well together that they create a masterpiece. Go see this movie, right now. And pick me up a tin of Certs while youre out.

Book of Wise Pohl, Chapter 4, Verse 23:
"If you're not mad enough to bare knuckle box, you're not mad."
- Red Forman That 70s Show


posted by Dave at 12:45 AM

 
I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

That's right ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only, Wise Pohl has returned to Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia after a developmental hiatus for Broshack.com.

And for my triumphant return, what better post than my 2005 Phobies:


Best Use of Balls in a Movie:
Dodgeball - so simple, yet so brilliant

Best Movie About Sexism In the Workplace:
Anchorman - It's Anchorman! Not Anchorwoman!

Best Movie I Definately Shouldn't Have Gone to See the Village Over:
Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle - what was I thinking? I dont even know

Best Use of an Airport:
Terminal - one of the few movies I saw twice in the theaters

Best Use of a Taxi:
Collateral - gotta love that Tom Cruise fellow

Worst Use of a Taxi:
Taxi - Jimmy was better on SNL, and that isnt saying much

Best (Ab)use of a Child [Comedy]:
Meet the Fockers - Assssssss Hoooooooooooooole

Best Use of a Child [Attempted Horror]:
Dakota Fanning in Hide and Seek - that girl is just creepy, but in a good way that makes her lots of money

Best Use of Demons / Hell / Things of that Nature:
Constantine
'Good Effort' Awards to: Van Helsing and HellBoy

Best Use of Stories to Hide the Truth:
Hero
Announcer Hero also won Phobies for Best Use of Colors and Best Movie In a Foreign Language

Worst Plot Twists Ever:
The Village - my oh my, were those ever stupid. Way to ruin a halfway decent movie.

Best Plot Twists:
Saw - this one actually kept me guessing . . . for a while
Announcer Saw also won the Phobies for Best Movie Named After an Item Commonly Found in the Toolshed and Best Reason(s) Given to Trust No One

Best Overfocusing on Sexuality:
Alexander - cut out the gay crap and it would be a decent 1:30 movie

Best Superhero(es) in a Movie:
Sorry Spidey, this one goes to The Incredibles
'Good Effort' Award to Spiderman 2

Best Use of a Pet Cemetery:
Garden State - a bit weird, but still good

Best Use of Anti-Personnel Mines:
Punisher - cuz its such a sweet calling card

Best Use of a Cricket Bat:
Shaun of the Dead
Announcer Shaun of the Dead also won Phobies for Best Use of the Phrase "Cock it" and Best Comedy Involving Zombies.

Best Movie About a Historical Figure:
The Aviator
'Good Effort' Award goes to Alexander

Worst Spin-Off-esque Movie:
Alien Vs. Predator - why did they make this move? Ah yes, money

Best Movie with a Hidden Agenda:
The Day After Tomorrow - damn liberals
'Good Effort' Award to Sponge Bob Square Pants - they claimed he was gay, and after this movie, Ill believe it

Best Movie Involving Robots:
I, Robot - killer robots > friendly robots, hence
'Good Effort' Award to Robots

Best Swordplay In a Movie:
Kill Bill Volume 2 - Hatori Hanzo swords kick ass
'Good Effort' Award to Hero

Worst Deviation from the Prequel Award:
Ring 2 - how can it be a Ring movie without "7 Days" and basically no shots of the ring?

The 'It Should Have Ended an Hour Ago Award' :
No way - A three way tie? How can this be!
The Aviator, Hide and Seek, and Alexander all should have and could have been cut down roughly an hour and made a better movie of

The 'Hey, This Isnt Home Alone; Why is Macaulay Culkin Here?' Award:
Saved! - I dont know what's funnier: MC as a sweet kid with booby traps, or MC as a decrepit quazi-rebellious teen in a wheel chair - oh wait, yes I do. Do yourself a favor, Kevin, hop in a time machine, go back to when you were a kid, and make more Home Alone movies.

The 'I Really Should Have Seen This In Theaters' Awards:
Kill Bill Volume 2, Harold & Kumar, and Troy - only one of these was missed by choice. You're bright, let's see if you can figure it out.

Most Overrated Movie of the Year Award:
Napolean Dynamite - yea, I said it

Best Animated Film of the Year:
The Incredibles
'Good Effort' Awards to Shrek 2 and Polar Express

Best Soundtrack:
Team America: World Police - great movie, great songs, get it when it comes out on DVD
'Good Effort' Award to The Phantom of the Opera - the Music of the Night is quite compelling

Most Forgettable Movie:
Darkness - This movie was so forgetable, I had to go look at my review just to find out what the hell this movie was about. Usually I have some semblance of a memory about a movie, even if it was horrible, but not this one.

Worst Attempts at Horror Movies:
Ring 2, Cursed, Boogey Man, Darkness, (didnt see Grudge or White Noise, but Im assuming they belong here as well)

Worst Non-"Horror" Movie of the Year:
Its so hard to pick just one, so instead, I will list them in alphabetical order:
Alexander
Envy
HellBoy
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
The Village
If you dont see any movies this year, make it those 5.

Best Movie of the Year:
I've got to agree with Koz and Balch on this one - Kill Bill Volume 2. Great plot, great action, great movie.
'Good Effort' Awards to (in no particular order) Hero, The Incredibles, Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle, Saw, Team America: World Police


Well, that's our show, folks. Hope you enjoyed it. Now stay tuned for your local news.

Coming up, at 11: A local man loses his testicles in a freak butcher shop accident. And later, how you can help prevent forest fires. But we'll start out our show with a segment entitled "How To Live Healthier." Step 1 - eat less and better. Step 2 - exercise more. Step 3 - Get off youre fat ass and do something. More, after this commercial break.


posted by Dave at 7:30 PM

 
The Third Annual Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia movie award spectacular
!This award is the biggest farce I've ever seen.

Worst Special Effects in a Movie
And The Phoby goes to... Cursed for those overgrown half man half unimpressive things that wouldnt leave the shot. But they did have big feat?

The That Reminds Me of Kelly Award
And The Phoby goes to... The Girl Vampires From Van Helsing. They'll suck u dry, getit?

Most Nudity in a Movie Thats NOT Porn
And The Phoby goes to... Harold & Kumar for that pointless but oh so nice nudie scene
Honorable Mention... Team America: World Police for that hot, and dare i say satisfying sex scene

Best Use of a Gay Main Character
And The Phoby goes to... Alexander for making me question Colin "The Womanizer" Farrel's machismo
Honorable Mention... Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie cause its sooo subtle

Worst Use of a Homoerotic Sponge
And The Phoby goes to... Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie and so close to the best!

Most Environmently Friendly
And The Phoby goes to... The Grudge for recycling The Ring And making a Unscary version of it
Honorable Mention... The Ring 2 for being a slightly more scary version of the Grudge

Wait A Second This Should Suck Award
And The Phoby goes to... I, Robot for being a recent Will Smith Movie and get this it didn't suck

Wait A Second This DOES Suck Award
And The Phoby goes to... Napoleon Dynamite for being the most overhyped and underjudged movies possibly of all time.
The Movie So Bad It Actually Makes Its Classic Predessor Worse
OMG this never happens, a TIEAnd
The Phoby goes to... Aliens Vs Predator for making Aliens Resurection look like a good Alien Movie
And The Phoby goes to... Aliens Vs Predator for making me wish this was Predator 2

Best Animated Movie Thats NOT Porn
And The Phoby goes to... The Incredibles for being not porn =(
Honorable Mention... Shrek 2 for also not being porn

Best Sequel
And The Phoby goes to... Kill Bill Vol II for roxzoring my boxzors
Honorable Mention... Shrek 2 for actually in my humble opinion being better than the original

Worst Sequel
And The Phoby goes to... The Ring 2 for being just as bad if not badder than the original. Bad not as in good
Honorable Mention... The Grudge but a sequel to what?

Hey Is That Justin Award
And The Phoby goes to... Rosenberg from Harold & Kumar for having the yellow fever
Honorable Mention... Vince Vaughn from Be Cool

The Wow, Don't You Look Stupid Award
And The Phoby goes to... Pole for thinking the Village would be better than Harold & Kumar, and worst of all trying to convince us not to go. For Shame
Honorable Mention... Eating all those juicy, tasty, slighty disgusting mostly beef pattys from White Castle after seeing said movie

Worst Movie Experience
And The Phoby goes to... The Ring 2 because we sat in front of a few prepubecent homoerotc teens, and get thins one of them answered his cell phone and talked for at least 5 minutes over the movie

Best New SuperHero Award
And The Phoby goes to... Mr. Incredible! for being like super man but with an I
Honorable Mention... Jack-Jack cause he didnt get enough screen time

Best Was Once A Book, Movie Award
And The Phoby goes to... Harry Potter And The Prisoner of Azkaban for being the only potter movie i have seen
Honorable Mention... Polar Express How can you make a 15 page picture book 90+ min. subplots my friend subplots

Worst Was Once A Book, Movie Award
And The Phoby goes to... Lemony Snicket for having Jim Carrey in it
Honorable Mention... Harty Potter for being about witchcarft, they are all goin to hell

Best Movie To Have "Robot" in The Title.
And The Phoby goes to... I,Robot because it makes Isaac Asimov fun, which is impossible
Honorable Mention... Robots because if one robot is fun more than one robot most be more fun. its the law of consevartion of matter.

Best Movie To Have A Robot Villian
And The Phoby goes to... Spider-man 2, bet you didnt see that one coming. I mean what are the chances a guy named Otto Octavius gets 8 limbs?

The Movie Keeps Running Running and Running Running
And The Phoby goes to... Hide and Seek for being retarded. and not using an ambersand
Honorable Mention... The Aviator

Best/Worse Use of a Creepy Little Kid
And The Phoby goes to... The Grudge's Trailer, i mean the kid meowed, and he didnt have nething down below. In the stupid movie he roared. When the trailer is better than the movie you know your in trouble
Honorable Mention... The Ring 2, That kids eyes dont want to be in his head, thats scary
Honorable Mention... Dakota Fanning for actually being a good actress

The So Many Actors How could It Be Bad Award
And The Phoby goes to... Oceans 12 for not knowing 11 is to much
Honorable Mention... Be Cool, Sequels don't work see above.

Best Hair in a Feature Film
And The Phoby goes to... John Travolta for that little rug he was wearing in Be Cool
Honorable Mention... Tom Cruise for that sexy grey hair, it just keeps gettin better

You Can't Take It With You Award
And The Phoby goes to... Your Sanity, as shown in the Aviator.

But The Special Effects Were Cool Right?
And The Phoby goes to... Sky Captain for thinking cg makes the world go round
Honorable Mention... Pixar for proving the world revolves around computer animation.

The Movie Most Relevant To Coach Kal's Class
And The Phoby goes to... The Alamo cause thats what were learning about
Honorable Mention... Audition?
Honorable Mention... Delverance?

Worst Emotion To Base A Movie Off
And The Phoby goes to... Envy, please dont make me remeber it
Honorable Mention... Anger, The Punisher i don't care what you say this is the Jan to Spiderman 2's Marcia and The Incredibles' Cindi

Best Movie Based On Something That May or May not Exist
And The Phoby goes to... Troy cause who knows maybe brad pitt is achielles
Honorable Mention... The Day After Tomorrow cause it has a liberal bias... to great movie making
Honorable Mention... The Polar Express it does exist though it does

I Hope This Is All A Joke and I'm Goin to Wake Up Soon
And The Phoby goes to... The Terminal, i mean it was about a guy in a terminal, where did it go astray?
Honrable Mention... Manchurian Candidate cause Denzel Washington is black...(noise crickets make)

The Its not the Matrix, But Thank God Its Not Matrix Revolutions Award
And The Phoby goes to... Constantine i luv u keanu

HE Won The Best Actor Oscar?
And The Phoby goes to... Jamie Foxx for Collateral and his day time tv show he used to have

You Think You Know, And Your Probably Right Award
And The Phoby goes to... Cursed because Silver doesn't kill werewolves. And the spoon didnt jump over the moon?
Honorable Mention... NC-17 mean no one under 17. just for clarification

Best Zombie Romantic Comedy
And The Phoby goes to... Um Shaun of the Dead because you cant understand a word their bloody saying for the first half an hour

Best Use Of Words That Sound Dirty
And The Phoby goes to... Meet The Fockers, used it wayy to much though
Honorable Mention...Lemony Snicket say it out loud and ponder its true meaning

The Why Do People Quote This Movie When They Could Be Quoting Harold & Kumar or Dodgeball
And The Phoby goes to... Anchorman sure it was funny but it was also trite and asinine
Honorable Mention... Napolean Dynamite ITS NOT FUNNY!

Best Use Of Urine In A Feature Film
And The Phoby goes to... The Aviator cause who knew urine could be a colorful decoration, very fung shui
Honorable Mention... Dodgeball "It's sterile and I like the taste"

Best Use Of Satanism
And The Phoby goes to... Hellboy but he was such a cute little demon child
Honorable Mention... Saved because Mady Moore and Joe Rayles make one hell of a team

Sticky White Substances Award
And The Phoby goes to... Spider-man 2 cause he like has the accuracy of a spider, and what distance.

Most Visualy Satisfying Movie
And The Phoby goes to... Hero, i like colors
Honorable Mention... The Incredibles for its incredibleness.

Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread, Having Been Invented The Year Before
And The Phoby goes to... Silent Velcro in Garden State if only it was real
Honorable Mention... White Castle and Church's chicken in the same place, heaven on earth'

I Know Ive Said That Before
And The Phoby goes to... Kaz because one day he will return, hes only proclaimed it a trillion time

Best Use of Real y Fake Boobs
And The Phoby goes to... Mean Girls man lindsey lohan sure grew up super fast from freaky friday *wink* *wink*

Worst Movie Of The Year
And The Phoby goes to... Envy for shame Jack Black For Shame. And dont look innocent Ben Stiller this movie is on your hands 2
Honorable Mention... The Grudge, The Ring 2, Hide And Seek, The Ring, Exorsist: The Beginning

Best Picture
And The Phoby goes to... Kill Bill Volume II for Quentin Tarintino is god and volume 1 got the shaft last year.What a great movie this was, totally different from vol 1 but just as satisfying and it concluded the whole movie so well it give you the feeling of this is how it sohuld end. not like matrix 3 where you get the feeling of this is the worst possible ending, seriously try to think of a worse ending. Any ways i cant wait for the next movie by quentin.
Honorable Mention... The Incredibles, Harold & Kumar: Go To White Castle, Garden State... and pretty much any movie except Napoleon Dynamite

So that concludes another year of movie watching and judging, and everyone knows that the climax comes in the 3rd act. And remember watch the Skis!
posted by John at 2:52 PM

 
The Four Movies leading to the apocalypse!!!!!!


Cursed

And I saw, and behold a white horse: and he that sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him: and he went forth conquering, and to conquer.

STUPID MOVIE ALERT! Now i know this may be to late for some but its not to late for the rental crowd. This movie isnt good. But it has Christina Ricci, she was hot in casper and i have a odd sexual atraction to her? Stay away i tell you she is a devil woman. But it has Wes Craven, WES craven, hes like pretty good right? NO, your only as good as your last flick, so Wes Craven sucks. But i like Werewolves? No you don't, why would you lie to yourself. Save yourself some money and catch an old werewolf movie on like amc on halloween. It will probly have a more believable werewolf plot. I mean how old is this story, girl meets guy, girl turns to werewolf, guy is already a werewolf, and theirs another werewolf. Stop me when it gets interesting. And a happy ending. It's a horror movie not a friggin romantic comedy, make it scary or better yet entertaining. And is it just me or is CG ruining movies. Very few movies, LOTR, can pull off adding CG monsters into a real live movie, it just doesnt work. Matilda Anyone?
**/*****


Robots

And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword.

Wooot. Someone up their likes Computer Animated movies, their always a hit. even when their not good. i mean look at Shark Tale. im sorry that was low. All i know is this movie out told toy story, out swam finding nemo, was more incredible than the incredibles, made more sense than the ring 2. Okay all those were lies except one. I'll give u a hint... its the ring 2. But how could this movie fail, it had a bigillion famous actors and actresses, it had robin williams and you didnt have to see his hairy naked body. And yes that would have made the movie worse. Slightly. Its a typical story of broken dreams... but with ROBOTS. i know, your exicted. Robots are the way of the future and if matrix taught us anything... dont make a sequel, and watever you do dont make a 2nd sequel
***/*****


Be Cool

And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand.

I mean wats cooler than John Travolta's hair. Did you know he wears a wig and his actual hair is quite balding. fun fact. I know your probly crying right now. I mean i just stabbed my bayonet into everything that you believed in, like so much HAY! Now i never saw Get Shorty, and i dont really care to all that much. This was just a fun little flick that deverted my mind for several hours from more serious matters, like what calculator i use. Actually this movie was also star studded, like a personaly embroidered leather jacket. With Travolta and Thurman leading the charge this movie is the definition of worthless yet somehow entertaining hollywood fluff. Not fluffer you pervert.
**/*****

The Ring 2

And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.

Easily the worst movie experience of the past 2 years. i cant put into words the annoyance i felt during this movie. It was like someone took a power drill, and started beating meover the head with it. Seriously if i had a gun i may have shot the people behind us. and NO court would convict me. This didnt help my perception of the craptastic movie. Somehow The Ring was critically acclaimed and became a "beloved" movie in the eyes of many teens. Did any one see the first one. Heres a refresher, It wasnt good. and this one somehow takes the formula for the ring and subtracts the suspense of 7 days, subtracts the atempt at plot, adds more off the grotesque looking kid, and adds more off the unkempt girl and it all adds up to about the same as the original. The spooks are as cliche as ever and some parts are funny instead of scary. Its eeriely reminiscent of Darkness Falls, which is in no means a compliment. But in the end i must ask myself one thing? is it fair to factor in annoying kids behind me as points against the movie. yes it is. This movie is geared to these prepubecent bastards whom noone loves, by being rated PG-13 and sucking... theyre gay...get it
*/*****
posted by John at 9:53 PM

 
Constantine

And if you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same

It's no Matrix, but at least its not the Matrix sequels. The movie follows forsaken/exorcist John Constantine, as he tries to buy his way into heaven and his misadventures in said journey. But no one told John you cant buy your way into heaven, well i guess a few people did, but did Constantine give a shit, no. Also theirs sexy vixen rachel wiesz, whose twin died from a mysterious suicide. The plot thickens! But not too thick, or it will get in the way of my precious action, and how sweet said action is. The movie does have some pretty kick ass moments but i would say not enough. And while the action looks pretty and expensive you dont get any matrix moments, like whoa that was super neat! Keanu did a bang up job ans so did hes sexy counterpart, thats right i think shia lebouf is sexy. While most of the special effects were amazing one grip i have is the same demon for every demon in hell. Come on make at least two kinds, its to monotone to be spooky. The real problem with the movie is it never really gets where it wants to go, and then it decides it wants to be somewhere else and then it has its ending which while a little clever didnt really satisfy my hunger and thirst. I mean the ending could of been a million time worse but i guess i wanted it to be more since the whole movie was quite good. In conclusion its not the matrix, but its probly the best were goin to get for a long time. hell it even has keanu.
****/*****

P.S. Stay till the credits over.
posted by John at 11:30 PM

 
Hide and Seek

I'm gonna curl up in his sock drawer, and sleep for days.

For Shame fox! Your supposed to lead the way in innovation, not follow behind the rest so closely its hard to tell which came first. And then you make this, this thing. Sure it moves along quite nicely, mom dies, only solution is to move to creepy house in middle of no where, where their is one cop. And lets not forget creepy pictures, those are all the rage these days, and creepy kids, come on, would it be a horror movie w/o one or fourteen? And lets give these guys credit, they got some talented actors and actresses to be in this, i dont know how maybe they were contractualy obligated, or maybe the tortured them until they gave in to their unspeakable demands. Anywho up until the end the movie is actually fairly entertaining, but then it gets to a point where their can only be one person who did it, or it wouldnt make any sense. then it drags on for a little bit. then it has the not so dramatic reveal. then it drags on for another half hour. Seriously end the movie at the climax. the whole part after the climax could have been cut and the movie would have been just as/more fufilling. And who decided to put the marco polo crap in the movie, thats not the title. But in the end you just have to say dakota fanning is creepy. just like most of the movie.
**/*****

posted by John at 8:09 PM

 
The Aviator

Save the drama for your mama and push

So so long. So so pointless. This movie was good but waaaay to drawn out, and i like drawn out things ie drawn butter. Everytime leo went a little insane the had a friggin 10 min monologue with 10 words, ok i get it, he aint sane. u dont neeed to rub it in my face like so many discarded jewel cases. And another thing, wats with the pee? Any ways the movie kept my interest only by the fact that the person the movie was about was interesting. martin scorsese needs to learn how to edit. can a movie please be under 3 hours. is that too much to ask. i dont think so, but then again maybe im crazy, maybe im crazy, maybe im crazy, maybe im crazy, maybe im crazy, maybe im crazy, maybe im crazy, maybe im crazy, maybe im crazy, maybe im crazy, maybe im crazy? But probly not. Someone give martin an oscar so he can retire, please.
***/*****

Meet the Fockers

Marijuana?... But why?

Wait ive seen this before! i saw it the first time when it was called Keeping the Faith. Yea look it up. Its the best movie ben stillers in. which isnt saying to much but hey at least he tries. and he isnt adam sandler. Anyways this sequel to meet the parents proves once and for all that writers can only come up with just under 2 hours of quality entertainment for a subject matter. and i dare say that this movie is as good as the first one, and i didnt think the first one deserved a sequel. So using math both this movie and the first have 1 hour each of fun time. the other time is duldrum or possibly from the other movie. So if you wanna watch this movie with out the hassle of goin to the theater just go rent meet the parents. then find a cardboard cutout of dustin hoffman and barbara striesand . finally place the cardboard cutouts next to ur tv and put in meet the parents. lastly enjoy!
***/*****

posted by John at 4:21 PM