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Sunday, December 19, 2004
Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off... but it's better if you do Good movie. Stupid ending. Never heard of the books. JimCarrey did what he always does, and everyone else did a bang up job acting. 2 bad the ending of the story was horrid. The story moved along quite nicely, adding suspence and a enteresting mystery aspect to the backround. But in the end i didnt really care about the how the movie was goin to reveal the mystery of the baudelaires. The movie is just fun. The movie as a whole is quite enjoyable, just savor it while it lasts and close ur eyes during the ending. I did miss the first like 10 min though, so maybe their was valuable information their that may have made the backstory more interesting, but i didn't kno it so i didnt care about those eyeglasses. I liked all the kids, except the little one was a little 2 talk backy for me, even though she couldnt talk, it wasnt that funny people. the whole story was a good one and it really used jim's talents to the fullest. if u like jim u can find a way to enjoy this movie, however stupid the conclusion ***/***** (0) comments Sunday, December 12, 2004
MASSIVE MOVIE UPDATE!!!!! When 5 Exclamtions points aren't enough! its been a long time but its worth it. a hippo exclusive massively humongous movie review post chronicling months of movie, many i may have forgoten about.hmm where do i begin? Ah yes the beginning Exorcist: The Beginning I saw this a very long time ago and i dont think i reviewed it? And in my summation statements, it blowed. The movie had no point. And in the end they threw in the devil, and then kept the movie running for another hour, why, possibly out of spite for my sanity. This is an example of why you dont make sequels to good movie, expecially not prequels. Has their even been a good prequel, i cant think of one. All prequels are the reiterations of something we already know to make more money. Thats kinda grotesque. Wheres the end? The star wars sequls are a mockery to the originals, hell even the remastered star wars are a mockery to the originals. This movie, i must admit had me almost likeing it at the start, and then it went nowhere meant nothing and had a retarded plot that made me want to kill jerry bruckheimer (note: jerry bruckheimer had nothing to do with this movie i just really hate him.) **/***** Hero w00t Japanese people roxorz my boxorz. Actually this was one of the better movies if seen in my disaperence from the hippo. but that was mostly due to the broshack, which hasnt really turned out to be wat it should have so im back, in black. This is not Crouching Tiger, and thank god cause that movie got boring as hell at that one point, o you know what im talking about. This movie is however pretty artsy in its battles and in its slymbolic color settings. The use of multiple flashbacks showing what couldhave, or maybe happened is pretty cool and is very intriguing, although it can be a little repititive. It is a good story and a good ending, who cares if it came out 2+ years ago. ****/***** Team America: World Police I still quote this movie, albeit its mostly MATT DAMON!, i still do. Granted the makers of south park are genius' but they can be a little hit or miss, as shown in some of the south park episodes of late. These guys can be right on sometimes and be pure hilariousness. And Tre Parker is also a musical genius. How do you think of this stuff, seriously, where does he get this stuff from. And some of the jokes in this movie are so good its scary. And thank god this movie didnt get to political, cause it could of killed it. The movie played off both sides of politics, but luckily enough i felt most of the shots were at the left i.e. evil and communist side. All in all this movie is a comedy classic, thank god for those songs. ****/***** Polar Express Right before i saw this movie i read the book, guess how long it took me, probly 5 minutes. And then i saw the movie, guess how long that took me, too friggin long. Seriously how can u possibly make a tiny illustrated kid book boring? I dont know how you do it but well thank god they did. And when i like to see a movie i like it when more than one actor is in it. Tom Hanks is like 8 friggin people, seriously thats overkill, ur a good actor not 8 good actors. Sure the movie had a message, but i think i lost it in that crazy elf warehouse. well maybe im being to hard on this christmas movie thats realeased so far away from christmas, but this isnt goin to become a uberholiday calssic thats shown 24-7 on a cable channel, why because its not that memorable. At least to me, maybe it is to a 7 year old. On a side note how funny would it have been if santa's workshop was really a forced labor camp, ie schindlers list. I dunno why i thought of that, but it just came to my mind when i saw the movie and i still remember it? **/***** The Grudge Ah yes the cookie cut horror movie that forgets one thing, the plot. Sure this movie has its cast of lovable ghouls and demons but in the end it doesnt make any friggin sense at all! Come on people is it to much to ask to have a plot that at least kinda makes sense. not just a series of scenes where a editor sayed "you know wat would be scary?" yea its a little creepy, but u get over it fast, when your confused as hell as to whats happening in the movie. maybe this was a result of the director not speaking english or maybe the editor chopped some crucial scene that makes the whole movie complete, im guessing on the former. This movie made me want to make a movie, cause i kno i could do better. */***** Spongebob Squarepants Hey this movie was oddly enjoyable. i mean i know the little guy prefers the company of men but god i love the little sponge. And this movie had some really funny stuff in it, and some not reallt funny stuff in it. The movie is perverted enough to be enjoyed by teens and kiddy enough for kiddies. All in all see the movie if u like spongebob, which i find a lot of people do, but if u hate the little bugger stay away from this like u would a leper in the 1st century Five*****Star*****Collection Saving Civilains... Five Stars at a Time The Incredibles Crush the lesser races. Conquer the galaxy. Incredible power, unlimited rice pudding, et cetera, et cetera. Bravo Pixar. i want to have your babies. Your so damn good. You put all other animated movies to shame. Especially those "other" computed animated movies, including shrek. Even your shorts are amazin, i dont care what you say, i love that boundin sheep. The whole movie was spectacular and mesmerizing. The amazing amount of work put into this movie really shows, the attention to detail is spectacular. The whole movie is spectacular. Im my opinion this is on par with nemo, and i love nemo, and on par with toy story. I was never a huge fan of toy story 2, ive only seen it once and dont fully remember it. But i cant say enough of this movie, and the fact that more people saw national tresure than it this week sickens me to the maxX ***** Alexander This movie, which most of my friends hated, possibly loathed, i fell isnt that bad. It kept me in my seat, i was content watching the movie. I never felt bored or want to burn myself though out the 3 hour, sure it dragged on at times, but thats to be expected. Angelina Jolie still has really big lips, and Colin Farell is still a mediocre verging on good actor. Oliver stone is a good director. And in the end this movie is just mediocre. Its about Alexander the Great, the movie just wastn grand enough. This guy was a remarkable man, he conquered like the whole known world. how many people can say theve done that. The movie kinda downplays his accomplishments and focus' on his character traits. Making your man character unlikable isnt a good thing. All in all this movie kept me complacent for 3 hours when i could have gotten into mischief ***/***** Closer Im catching up to the crowd. How many people are still reading? This has taken a long time, i should be writting for hinch, but screw her and that paper. Now you may have percieved this movie as a chick flick, and at first galnce it seems that way but only a little bit in to it you find it is far from it. This is one of the most perverted and sexually open movie i have ever seen. Their are so many parts that can distrub and corrupt a young mind. some people even left at one part, a part i found most funny. This is another hit or miss movie, if ur like me and like kinda artsy yet funny movies you will enjoy yourself here. but if you dont like your movies artsy at all or are mindless action machine, you wont like this movie. Give this one a try, i was surprised and maybe you will be to. Those brits are years ahead of us in dirty language, its kinda shameful. And guess wat natalie portman can act, it really is all geogre lucas' fault ****/***** Ocean's Twelve It was a fun movie till you reach the end. So stupid. It really hurts its replay value, i mean thats just a stupid ending. But in the beginning it moves along nicely with only a few step ups. I mean when you have this many talented actors its really hard to mess up. And brad pitt is so hott, admit it. denial is the first step. the sad part is the movie has too many actors, they dont know wat to do with them so the periodically just leave an actor away from the action for the whole movie. Catherine Zeta-Jones is a welcome addintion, mostly because she is uber hott, ans because shes probly on screen more than any one else. In summation the movie ruins itself at the end, but it had a good run while it lasted ***/***** heres where new calender would be, but i need to watch simpsons! (0) comments Sunday, October 03, 2004
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow What I'm trying to say in this cartoon is that violence is everywhere in our society, you know, it's like even in breakfast cereal, man. Ah the good stuff. I thourghouly enjoyed this motion picture. While it wasnt on league with the greats, it did keep my attention swell. The CG backrounds were almost always noticeble but they added to the nostalgic feeling that the movie had. It really felt like it was made 50 years ago, which i dunno if that good or bad, but it is cool. And it was a blue screen not a green screen kozlow. The movie plot twas intriguing until the final plot twist which seemed contrived, and its not that original. But the movie's overall feel, and some very excellently made scenes create a surreal experience that can suck u in, but if u dont get immersed in the experience you'll probly regret paying top dollar to see it, it was quite long. ***/***** Shaun of the Dead As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague. Ah the question thats haunted americans for decades, possibly forever, why is british humor so undenibly unfunny. Is it because it is sophisticated, and we are not. Nay i say to you its because british people by nature are wierd. Once in a blue moon however those brits do something right, see iraq, and im glad to say this is one of those things. The beginning was a beutiful mix of zombies and comedy, which slowly grew to more zombie and less comedy but i accept that. The humor in shaun is hit or miss in the gravest sence, at points people were laughing histerically while all i could muster was a snicker, or nothin at all. You dont have to laugh at the jokes that arent funny people. But mostly i found myself laughing along with my fellow movie goers. The extra thingy at the end was very nice and i wish more movies did things like that. In the end this movie is better than Napoleon Dynamite, and isnt that all that really matters? ***/***** October 8th- "Taxi"(PG-13) October 15th- "Team America: World Police"(R) October 22nd- "The Grudge"(R) October 29th- "Eulogy"(R) November 5th- "The Incredibles"(PG) (0) comments Sunday, September 12, 2004
Garden State Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole. This movie has gotten a bad rap because of someone name P-o-l-e, dont trust this man, hes a liar. He just hates movies. The movie is witty, it is funny, thus making it uncomparable to napoleon dynamite which had its moments but sadly the moments didnt last a fraction of the running time Garden State however delivers, it wont have u falling out of your seat but you also wont be bored to tears, it strikes happy medium. Its a slowmoving story so if you have a.d.d this might not be for you. Also if you need a large body count and crude potty language to enjoy anything, then this movie isnt for you. But if you just are in it for a laugh and to watch a damn good movie go see garden state you wont be dissapointed ****/***** This review makes no guarantees September 17th- "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow"(PG) September 24th- "The Forgotten"(PG-13) October 1st- "Shark Tale"(TBA) October 8th- "Taxi"(TBA) October 15th- "Team America: World Police"(TBA) October 22nd- "The Grudge"(R) October 29th- "Eulogy"(R) November 5th- "The Incredibles"(PG) (0) comments Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Alien Versus Predator This is an example of a time when parents should have crushed their child's dream of becoming a filmmaker. For keeping the public waiting ive decided to do a Super Special Triple-Review, please try to keep it in your pantaloons. Ah AvP finally a movie that gives me all the Volleyabll i can digest in one serving of volleyball. Wait wat AvP doesn't stand for Association of Volleyball Professionals... what it means... Alien vs Predator wat the hell is that crap, are u serious what were they thinking. This movie never really had a chance of being good, especially with Paul "The Hack" Anderson on board and not only is he on board hes the whole boat. As both writer and director Paul "The Hack" Anderson really has no idea wat in gods name he is doing. The script is just terrible, if you can call it that since conviently all the humans die in the first few scenes, less dialogue, and thats probably for the best. Some of the things in it are so... shockingly bad... so unexpectedly bad they are friggin hi larious. Just thinking about one part makes me crack up. How could that make it into a movie. And the plot lets not talk about the plot, it pains me. The predator is definatly favored to win this from the getgo i guess Paul "The Hack" Anderson really likes those sexy preds. And was it me or did the preds look wierd, in body shape. In conclusion i pray this movie has a sequel so we can see the predalien WooT. **/***** Collateral Uh, I forgot how my muscles work. Everyone and their sister knows Tom Cruise is hott, and everyone knows Jamie Foxx is black. So what do u get when you mix the two? Tamie Fruise? No, you get Collateral. A movie that has a interesting plot and some quality acting, but man can it get stupid. Almost the whole movie is well paced and in a skewed world believable, until this one scene that is just their to add action and pretty much doesnt fit with the rest of the movie. Other than that its a fun ride while it lasts, and while the end is predictable its still fun, in a kinky kind of way. If you got nothin better to do, like say club a baby seal, than i would take a peak but dont jump out a movin van to c this flick ***/***** Little Black Book Wow this movies really drawn me in... to a deep well of despair. WoW, fun times. A movie so draped in stereotypical romantic comedy situations, decides in in closing scenes to do a little satire/parody of the moral effects of Reality Television on the people living its reality. And the producer who believes wat their making is bigger then them, come on, its not reality, its fiction. And in the end the ending really took me out of this movie. It kinda got preachy, at least its not the stereo type ending that most movie use a cruch, but thats all it has goin for it. The movie has a interesting plot and keeps you entertained at least till the last part which made me angry at the world. Overal if you are a girl you will like this movie, if your not you probably will get bored, but its not terrible by any means **/***** August 20th- "Exorcist: The Beginning"(R) August 27th- "Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid"(PG-13) September 3rd- "Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2"(PG) September 10th- "Resident Evil: Apocalypse"(TBA) September 17th- "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow"(TBA) September 24th- "Wimbledon"(TBA) October 1st- "Shark Tale"(TBA) October 8th- "Taxi"(TBA) October 15th- "Team America: World Police"(TBA) October 22nd- "Finding Neverland"(PG) October 29th- "Eulogy"(R) November 5th- "The Incredibles"(TBA) (0) comments Monday, August 16, 2004
AH! http://www.broshack.com !!!! AMAZEMENT!!!! *please note The Bro Shack is still under renovation* (0) comments Friday, August 13, 2004
AH! Friday the 13th! Triskaidekaphobia! Alien Verses Predator We need more Vs. movies. Let me refrase that; We need more good Vs. movies. This was not one of them. The plot is overly simplistic. Predators come to Earth every so often to hunt Aliens. The humans were lured to the pyramid to become hosts for the Alien spawn, so the hunt could continue. The phrase 'No matter who wins . . . We lose.' is total B.S. If the Predators win, they leave and come back in a hundred years. If the Aliens win, well we'll all probably have our chests used as a home for baby aliens. I'd root for the Predators. The crew that was going to explore the pyramid started out relatively large. I'd say 20-30 people. 66.66(repeating)% of these people were killed very quickly. Although it was deduced that the Predators were hunting Aliens, not humans, they still killed a bunch of us before they even went down into the ice. The rest of the crew was killed by a combination of trixy pyramid action, Alien face huggers, and crazy Predators. There were orginally 3 Predators that came to Earth, but an Alien got 2 of them early on. So now its 3 humans, 1 Predator, and a shit load of Aliens, including a captive queen. 2 more humans bite the preverbial dust. And another one's gone, another one's gone, another one bites the dust. Note to self: No more singing in reviews. Check. But wait, we've figured out the reason the Predators are going psyco on the humans. We stole their shoulder cannons. Should have listened to the Italian guy when he told them not to take them, 5 minutes after they took them. So now the last remaining human give el Predatoro his cannon back and he proceeds to dominate a few Aliens. Oh no, what's that? The queen is calling the rest of the Aliens to free her? Ok. So they use their acid spit stuff to corode the chains and such holding the queen. Now the two new best friends have to kill the queen and prevent it from reaching civilization. I wont spoil the rest of it for you, because if you can't guess what's going to happen (for the most part) you dont belong in the movie predicting buisness. Both ETs seemed to be downsized for this movie. The Aliens were stupider, and the Predators were weaker (maybe that was because they were on the hunt to prove themselves? I dont know. I think that would be giving the writers too much credit for this which they call a script). It might been a sign when the actors/resses from the original movies wont do the new one, that it might be bad (a la Dumb and Dumberer). Another thing that bugged me: they were in Antarctica, yet when they spoke, there was no visable breath. They were in sub-zero temperatures, yet never, never, was there any frost breath. Overall: I give this movie food from food comercials. Sure, it's real food (its the law). Sure, you could eat it. But it definately looks better than it is. When you see it on TV, its the best burger you've ever seen. But when you go to buy it, its the scrawniest, dullest burger you've seen in your life. The Book of Wise Pohl, Chapter Number, Verse Number#2: And he said, "Play the best song, in the land, or I'll eat your souls." Now we wait for AvP2. It will be so bad, the predator and the alien will refuse to be in it. (3) comments Tuesday, August 10, 2004
(2) comments Friday, August 06, 2004
300! Collateral This movie was quite good. It was nice to see old Tommy boy playing a villan for once. He looks kind of weird with grey hair and all, but he still can cut a mean rug. Even playing an aged character, Tom still has the moves to take out an entire entourage of body guards without breaking a sweat. In this movie, Tom Cruise plays an assassin contracted out to kill some witnesses. Jamie Foxx plays the unknowing cab driver who escorts him all around LA. But when he witnesses the first murder, Jamie is in it for the long haul. 4 more people to kill. Witness #2, no problem. 3 to go. Witness #3, took a little talking to, but still, no big deal. After #3, Jamie tries his luck and steals Tom's hit list and throws it into traffic. Now Jamie has to pretend to be Tom to get another list or his momma becomes #6. So he gets the this, on to #4. This is where Tom takes out an entire crew of thugs in the middle of a club, then takes out Witness #4 and is on his way. Finally Jamie grows a pair, flips the cab, and chases after Old Man Tom. What astonished me was how an old guy and a taxi cab driver have such endurance. They sprinted for what seemed like minutes. Jamie catches up to Tom just in time to save Witness #5, who he drove in his cab earlier that day. Long story short, good taxi cab driver wins, bad hitman loses. There's nothing really that made the movie extrordinarily good. Nothing I said "Oh man, that was sweet!" at. Yet nothing that made me go "WTF. This movie sucks,"(a la Village). If Tom was going around pushing people out of windows, it probably would have been a lot worse, but gunfire just makes a movie better. Overall: I give this movie a after dinner mint, you don't really need it, it isn't necissarily refreshing, but it still has something that just makes you go "Ah, that was good." Book of Wise Pohl, Chapter 7 Verse 41: And he said "Ride, r-r-r-r-r-r-ride this donkey. Ride this d-d-d-d-d-d-donkey!" (2) comments Wednesday, August 04, 2004
Five*****Star*****Collection
Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
Oh sweet stoner comedy it has been so long, so long, some would say to long, others not long enough. This is just like one of those sweet juicy steamed hams that are white castles. You look at it and say that cant be good, i mean LOOK at it. But then your curiosity gets the best of you, all the cool kids are doin it. So you it just one, one of the most pleasurable burgers you have ever eaten, it goes down so so smooth, it feels soo good in your mouth. You have to have another, you would kill your mother and do the chicken dance over her cold, and lifeless body, for just one more damnit, ONE! Why must you tempt me o temptress of steamy hams. And before you know it youve eaten them all and are all alone again. so lonely. Sure the next day you cant believe what you did and are so unbelievable ashamed you cant leave the bathroom but just thinking about that sweet sweet night with those tiny burgers that have that irridenscent smell, makes it all worth while. In the end im hungry
(1) comments Saturday, July 31, 2004
What the @#$% ! The Village Yes, hindsight says I should have gone to see Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle. But I knew H&K was going to be hilarious, The Village had some questions attached to it. Like "Why are the monsters agitated by the color red?" and "What is the big secret everyone is talking about?" *Spoilers* Well, since this movie sucked, I'll tell you. The first question is irrelavent because there are no real monsters. None. Zero. They are just suits worn by elders to scare people into staying in the town. "But why would they try to keep people in? Why not encourage trade and discovery?" Well it's simple, and answers the second question. The live in a wildlife preserve in modern day. A bunch of people who couldn't handle reality ran away to the seclusion of a wildlife preserve. There they raise their kids and live their lives like they live in the 1800s. This movie had potential. It could have been a decent thriller. I was even into the plot at the beggining. But no, Shyamalan felt the need to include twists and turns that completely ruined the scaryness of the movie. First we think there are monsters, then we're told they're fake. Then we see a monster in the woods, then we're shown that it's just Adrian Brody, who plays a retard, in a suit. He'll win some awards soon, and it's all because of the formula. Playing a retard = awards. -- I had another paragraph here, but I hit the back button and forgot what was in it. Damn -- Overall: I give this movie a Tony Hawk attempting a 1080 double reverse triple bipass ollie fakie pop shove it. It sounds cool. It might look cool at first glance. But in the end, it's too tricky for it's own good and ends up crashing. Book of The Wise Pohl, Chapter 2, Verse .5: Beware the coming of the Bro Shack . . . (3) comments Friday, July 30, 2004
I, Robot Cigarettes killed my father... and raped my mother Wow. Finally an biography about me and how i defeated Dr. Robotnics evil communist robots to save the world and then having Reagan come in and steal my accomplishments. Of course hollywood changed a few things like making the main character black to console Al Sharpton, that mule and 40 acres are in the mail i swear, i sent them myself. I always like to see the future waaaaaay overestimated First of all we oculd even build the the elevators in the movie in 30 years if we started today and had the technology. But im sure in 30 years we will have rolling balls instead of wheels for cars because that is the future of everything. And another thing where was the robotic dog he should be super evolved beyond our wildest expectations. I mean the robotic dog progress in just the last 10 years is outstanding. How many robotic dogs... in the world... have commited a crime... none i suspect. In retrospect this movie was entertaining and very often amusing. If you go to this movie you will enjoy yourself, even if you hate will smith and nude people and love robotic dogs. So in the end A.I. was the worst movie ever and should never be mentioned in connection with any movie... ever. ***/***** July 30th- "Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle"(R) August 6th- "Village, The"(PG-13) August 13th- "Alien vs. Predator"(PG-13) August 20th- "Exorcist: The Beginning"(R) August 27th- "Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid"(PG-13) September 3rd- "Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2"(PG) September 10th- "Resident Evil: Apocalypse"(TBA) September 17th- "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow"(TBA) September 24th- "Wimbledon"(TBA) October 1st- "Shark Tale"(TBA) October 8th- "Taxi"(TBA) October 15th- "Team America: World Police"(TBA) October 22nd- "Finding Neverland"(PG) October 29th- "Eulogy"(R) November 5th- "The Incredibles"(TBA) (0) comments Thursday, July 22, 2004
Mmmmmm Combo Post . . . Part Numero Uno: I, Robot Ah yes. Another Will Smith saves the world movie. Seems to be all he's doing now-a-days. In this episode of Willy's World Saving Adventures, Will has to figure out how to stop not aliens in big ships, or aliens in human disguises, but an army of killer robots. But how do we know they are killer robots? Well just look for the red light. Red means stop. So if you ever see a robot emitting a redish glow, Stop, Drop, and Roll. Quite to my surprise, this movie wasn't that bad. It wasn't just "Hey, the robots are nice, now they're mean; I know how to stop them, but they keep sidetracking me." It was more along the lines of "Hey, the robots are nice, now they're mean; What caused this transformation? Why was this transformation caused? By whom was this transformation caused? How can I stop the robots?" Action is good, and alot of it is better, but it needs substance, which this plot provides. It's not 2 solid hours of Will destroying robot after robot. It's 2 hours of clue gathering, robot murdering, and various other conflicts. Overall: I give this movie a better than expected, a fishing pole and an ice drill on a frozen lake. If you have nothing better to do than go fishing, why not? Part Deux: Pohl's Perfectly Purple Pursday Preview The Bourne Supremacy 
This movie is the sequel to the Bourne Identity. Jason Bourne, played by Matt Damon, is a trained assassin. He keeps having dreams about his past, but he cannot remember anything else about it. In this installment, nothing will stop him from finding out the truth. I didn't see the first one, but this one looks rather good. The plot is simple enough that I didn't need to see the first one to understand the premises. Rotten Tomatoe Stats: Rating: 66% - Fresh 19 Positive Reviews 10 Negative Reviews Average Rating: 6.9/10 (1) comments Napoleon Dynamite Sure. You could save a lot more souls with roller-skates and Easy-Bake ovens, than with this 90 minute sleeping pill. Seriously this movie did not need to be made. I found myself laughing at most 9 times during the movie and at one point im pretty sure everone wanted the movie to end but no its only a hour in, and 30 more minutoes of fun. This movie is not hi-larious and only a few scenes even count as funny. Napoleon Dynamite is a one trick pony whos only trick is look stupid, while this may wow some, and touch hearts with others, its not worth waiting to see. The movie is paced so slow when their is a funny part its followed by silence for 10 minutes while another joke is set up. I can see how one could enjoy the comedy in this film, and when i tried to get into the movie i couldnt it just wouldnt let me in, if you want to like this movie i bet you will but otherwise prepare to be disapointed, gravely. Dont get me wrong this could have become a comedy classic, with some better writing and directing, but the stuff was their they just used and abused it, now the best it can possible do is be a crappy cult classic. Touche? **/***** July 23rd- "Bourne Supremacy, The"(PG-13) July 30th- "Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle"(PG-13) August 6th- "Village, The"(PG-13) August 13th- "Alien vs. Predator"(PG-13) August 20th- "Exorcist: The Beginning"(R) August 27th- "Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid"(PG-13) September 3rd- "Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2"(PG) September 10th- "Resident Evil: Apocalypse"(TBA) September 17th- "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow"(TBA) September 24th- "Wimbledon"(TBA) October 1st- "Shark Tale"(TBA) October 8th- "Taxi"(TBA) October 15th- "Team America: World Police"(TBA) October 22nd- "Finding Neverland"(PG) October 29th- "Eulogy"(R) November 5th- "The Incredibles"(TBA) (2) comments Friday, July 16, 2004
Napoleon Dynamite Napoleon Dynamtie has no friends, then he finds one in the new kid, Pedro Sanchez. Then the two have to find dates to the dance. It looks like a prom, people are dressed like it's a prom, but it's just called "the dance". Then Pedro runs from President against Summer, played by Haylie Duff, one of the two semi well known people in this cast, the other being Diedrich Bader who played Oswald in the Drew Carey Show and Lawrence in Office Space. While all this is going on, the crazy uncle sells tupperwear then tries to sell breast enhancing drugs while trying to become an NFL quaterback by making videos of himself throwing a football. And let's not forget the geekier brother who meets an online love who lives in Detroit, and this black woman is completely in love with the skinny white guy. Yeah, there were some funny parts. But they weren't enough to redeem this movie. Most of the "jokes" were retarded and not as funny as some of the theater implied. How this movie could have recieved a 70% rating on Rotten Tomatoes is just another example of how the critics and I disagree. Overall: I give this movie a clown on the downslope of his career; could be funny, should be funny, but isn't. Seeing this film once was more than enough. But I'm sure others will disagree. Book of Wise Pohl, Chapter 19, Verse 99: There are worse things than spam, but they're hard to find. (0) comments Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Movies 4 Spectacular Anchorman Once the government approves something, it's no longer immoral! Ah sweet humor, the so called cure all by the big wigs running the hospital, well i got something to say about that... ok i have nothing to say. Maybe if this movie wasnt so amazingly eclipsed by dodgeball which came out a few weeks prior, it would have been a more enjoyable. This is a funny movie, just not to funny. It has one amazing scene and a few memorable ones but everything else isnt that funny or memorable. William is one of the best comic of our time and he shows it here, and with a great supporting cast this movie is a sure hit... or miss. The first few scenes make you think to urself this movies gunna suck, but it starts to pick it up after a little bit but it never gets to that point where u laugh out of your seat. Lets just say ive seen funnier movies and this movie wont become a classic, but if yourin for a summer comedy where u dont have to think this is the movie for you. If you dont like comedy you wont like this movie and if u do like comedy its worth taking a gander at but you could find a better thing to do like play NCAA football 2005. For my money i would rather relive dodgeball. ***/***** All i have now is my enormous genitals? July 16th- "I, Robot"(PG-13) July 23rd- "Bourne Supremacy, The"(PG-13) July 30th- "Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle"(PG-13) August 6th- "Village, The"(PG-13) August 13th- "Alien vs. Predator"(PG-13) August 20th- "Exorcist: The Beginning"(R) August 27th- "Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid"(PG-13) September 3rd- "Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2"(PG) September 10th- "Resident Evil: Apocalypse"(TBA) September 17th- "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow"(TBA) September 24th- "Wimbledon"(TBA) October 1st- "Shark Tale"(TBA) October 8th- "Taxi"(TBA) October 15th- "Team America: World Police"(TBA) October 22nd- "Finding Neverland"(PG) October 29th- "Eulogy"(R) November 5th- "The Incredibles"(TBA) (2) comments Thursday, July 01, 2004
Spider Man 2 Dad didn't leave... when he comes back from the store, he's going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face! Mmmmm summer movies, so needed. So juicy. Spidey 2 is probly the best super hero movie mmm ever. Twas better than its original cause it didnt need to spend time establishing how pete got his powers or why he does what he does, altough it does take a little refresher course on why he needs to b spidey. All in all this leaves more room for super hero mania, while this movie is never flat out crazy actions nonstopping it is also never dulldrum it paints a fine line of entertainment. The fights between the godd doctor and spidey are very fulling although the are few and far between they provide enough of the hardcore action needed to keep this movie a superhero movie. Unlike many movies in the same genre spiderman doesnt have a huge lull between action, u know their isnt any action at this point but u dont seen to mind cause its still entertaining, ulnike lets say the matrix where when their is a slowdown it makes u want to kill yourslef cuse the shit their trying to feed u is just whorendous. This movie is a model on how super hero flicks should be done, it just feels like its missing something. Dont get me wrong this movie is quite satisfying and i doubt it could be better, but in reality it is almost the definition of a summer feel good flick, almost everything in the movie could be predicted, it didnt have the anticipation of what would come next because i was positive of what was comin next. ****/***** The Terminal It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body, which, practical as they may be, are evil! Mediocre! Come on Steven try a little harder please. Your faded dreams of a sitcom transfered onto the silver screen are rarely if ever funny when they try to be and never dramatic. The Terminal is set up in small little episodes that cut away cleanly into the next. Hanks constant search for food and money can be comical but theyre not in the least bit believable. Now this isnt toms fault i blame steve, mr hanks tried so hard too. Not only is this movie unbelevable but it may have one of the worst climax's ever. Its like they just said lets cut our losses and make something up. Dont get me wrong some scenes in this movie were great but the movie as a whole just doesnt cut it. In the end this movie left me wondering why? **/***** HAITUS! (3) comments Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Let's see how much this one will gross with a 5 day weekend. Spider-Man 2 My main grievance with this movie is this: Too much plot, too little action. Yeah, OK. Spider-Man finds himself yadda yadda yadda, so on and so forth. But the main villain, D'Octopus was only on screen for like 40 minutes. And most of that time was plot building. Overall, there was probably only about 10-15 minutes of actual fighting. I wont spoil too much of the plot for you, seeing as it is the major part of this movie. But the jist of it is this: Peter Parker struggles to find himself, while Doc Ock tries to blow up NYC. Mary Jane gives up on Peter and is engaged to John Jameson, who, as Spider-Man fans should know, brings Venom back from space. If you didn't know that, I'm sorry, but I probably just ruined the plot of Spider-Man 3. After Googling for "spiderman villains" I found this informative site: http://www.efavata.com/CBM/Spiderman3.htm And I quote . . . "while in space J.J. Jameson's son will be infected by some weird alien organism. The alien will travel back to earth with him and J.J. Jameson's son will either become VENOM or Peter will be infected with VENOM and go on a rampage. Either way Spider Man will have to KILL J.J. Jameson's son/Mary Jane's husband in the end, which will bring Peter and Mary-Jane back together again. " I already see some things wrong with that. However I will not point them out to those of you who have not seen Spider-Man 2. Once you have seen it, the faults will become clear. So there definitely is going to be a Spider-Man 3, no surprise there. And it looks like Harry will be 'involved', along with Venom, and possibly, though this might be too much for one movie, Doc Connors (Peter's professor) as Lizard. We shall see on May 4, 2007, so says the site. Overall: I give this movie a half barrel of monkeys. It's still good and all, but it's not as much fun as a full barrel of monkeys. Book of Wise Pohl, Chapter 8, Verse 52: I'm not the Budweiser Donkey, but I approved this message. *Note: all my Spdier-Man knowledge was based on the cartoon tv show which I watched in the wee hours of my saturday mornings of my youth. (11) comments Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Sneak attack! Pohl's Perfectly Purple Puesday Preview "But why on Tuesday?" you ask. It's simple: The movie comes out Wednesday (That's tomorrow for all you non-day-knowing people) Spider-Man 2 
Staring: Tobey Maguire - Pete Parker / Spider-Man Kirsten Dunst - Mary Jane Alfred Molina - Dr. Otto Octavius / Doc Ock James Franco - Harry Osborn In this movie, Peter Parker sturgles with keeping his secret identity hidden. His main nemisis in this episode is Doctor Octavius, a man merged with machine. Peter has to use all of his powers to stop Doc Ock and right the world once again. Rotten Tomatoe Stats: Rating: 96% - Fresh 74 Positive Reviews 3 Negative Reviews Just look at those overwhelming numbers, and numbers never lie. You just have to consider where the numbers came from: These are the same critics that gave Fahrenheit 9/11 a 84% rating. Critics know little to nothing about movies, so we'll just have to go see it and write our own reviews. (In case you're completely oblivious, that's what we do here.) (0) comments Friday, June 25, 2004
Amazing-combination-of-fruits-mixed-all-together-and-baked is getting better by the day. The Terminal What's as good as Tom Hanks stranded on a desert island for 3 hours? Tom Hanks stranded in an airport for 2 hours. The Steven Spielberg / Tom Hanks combo has produced one of my favorite movies and one of my favorite TV mini-series, so I expected big things from this movie. In this concoction of talent, Tom Hanks is stuck in an airport because his country is having itself a good old fashioned revolution. Clearly Steven wanted to write a movie about someone living in an airport, but he didn't know how to get him there; this was his reason. During the course of the movie, we see Tom live out his daily airport life. Including work, relaxation, love, and run ins with the po-po. As expected, this movie was pure gold. It is the best movie about a man living at Gate 67 I have ever seen. It was humorous, yet touching; sad, but happy; crazy, yet believable. Overall: I give this movie a trip to the zoo. Yea, it might not sound all that good right now, but once you get there, you'll enjoy yourself. Book of Wise Pohl, Chapter 19, Verse 42: The quickest way to a man's heart is not good food. It is with a sharp knife. P.S. Tusk has been rescued from the Kroger parking lot. The Lime fled from the scene and is yet to be heard from. (0) comments Dodgeball Never fear. The cosmic fool is here Classic. So much fun packed into so little movie. Who wouldve suspected this movie was as funny as it was, i dont care what she is that dike can throw. HI larious, easily the funniest movie since finding nemo, which was possible the greatest movie about finding nobody in history. This movie never forgot what it was, a movie about dodgeball not the english patient or god save us, gasp, a beautiful mind, that hurts to even say. I seriously doubt anchorman will top this comedy of comedies, it had everything, sexual jokes, amazing cameo including the greatest cameo ever ie david hasselhof brillant, vince vaughn, hank azaria, allbeit not enuff of prof frink, hot chicks, pirates making this infinitely better than pirates of the carribean, shatner, and dangerous situations. Hve u ever noticed how movies use their explanations of the mpaa ratings as advertisments, like non stop dodgeball action, hilarious situations, and ben stiller somehow explain the pg-13 rating. But why? She's such a fox. ****/***** June 25th- "The Terminal" (PG-13) July 2nd- "Spider-Man 2" (PG-13) (0) comments Saturday, June 19, 2004
If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story Wow. Wowwy wow wow, wow.[/Christopher Walkin voice] Plot: Since I wasn't expecting much from the plot, I wasn't dissapointed in it. But since I have not seen another, better dodgeball related movie, this is the best one. Clearly, the good guys have to win, and they do. (Sorry if that spoiled anything for you)[And if it did, you are not an expert movie predictor] Casting: Im going to pull a Kozhwuf here and combine words to describe it: Swee-mazinga-awesome. Most movies are content with 2-3 big names, and some smaller names, not this movie. Ben Stiller is the bad guy (for once) and Vince Vaughn is his counterpart, the good guy. Christine Taylor plays the "lesbian" ;) lawyer who joins the Average Joe team. Those are the Big 3 of this movie. Ah d, ah d, ah d, ah dat's not all folks. We also have (drum roll please) Milton from Office Space! Steven Root is a member of the Average Joe team, Gordon. Hank Azaria appears as a young dodgeball player. For those of you saying "Who is Hank Azaria?" (No Krach, it's not 'Who is, Hank Azaria?'), you need to brush up on your Simpson voice actors. He voices for Apu, Moe, Comic Book Guy, Chief Wiggum, and Clettus, just to name a few. But wait! The fun doesn't stop there. Rip Torn appears as an older Hank and teaches the Average Joe team to play hardcore dodgeball. Wait . . . Here come's more recognizable faces, inclulding: David Hasselhoff as a German team coach, William Shatner as the head Dodgeball guy, Chuck Norris as a dodgeball comitee member, and Lance Armstrong as an inspiration to Vince to get back in the game. Alot of the cast will be reapearing in Anchorman, which looks just as good. Humorous Aspect: Soooo many one-liners. I might have to go watch it again and write them all down in my handy-dandy notebook (which was not with me at the time). Most of the lines were stupid jokes, such as "You're about as usefull as a poop flavored popcicle." Not the most elegant way of putting it, but oh so funny. They went most of the movie without swearing, a rarity now-a-days. But they just couldn't keep it together. Every PG-13 movie can use the F word once, and they just couldn't refuse. After you see this movie, stick around for the credits. There's a secret scene that I know you would love to see. Overall: I give this movie a clown on his mini bicycle; simply put, hi-larious. Go see this movie if you are a fan of stupid jokes and situational humor, not literaray comedy. Book of Wise Pohl, Chapter 12, Verse 34: If at first you dont succeed, sky diving isn't for you. (1) comments Thursday, June 17, 2004
Yes it is time. Time once again for: Pohl's Perfectly Purple Pursday Preview The Movie of the Week is Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story Rated PG-13 for rude and sexual humor, and langauge 
Every other sport has gone professional and or extreme, now its Dodgeball's turn. You remember the game where all the athletic kids teamed up and beat the fat and gumpy kids, just like every other sport. But in this movie, a team of those same athletic kids, though now adults, get involved in some crazy competitve dodgeball action. Ben Stiller leads the team of "athletes", while Vince Vaughn leads the team of "non-athletes". And judging from the title, Vince Vaughn is victorious (ah alliteration is fun). Including those two funny guys, the cast is a pretty good one. Rip Torn is kind of like Christopher Walken. You can put him in a shitty movie, but gosh darn it, he'll make it funny anyway. Rotten Tomatoe Stats: 62% - Fresh (Wow, a movie the critics liked. Maybe it sucks?) 23 positive reviews 14 negative Looks like we have a good movie coming our way. It could be the last one for a while. We will just have to see. (0) comments Monday, June 14, 2004
Saved! The John Paul II of movies I enjoyed this movie, i dont care i enjoyed the movie. It did make fun of fundametalism and obviously chris took this to heart, but it wasnt really that mean to catholics or any one. It was a the everyday teen movie cliche plot but wat movie has an original plot? Their is no denying the quality of the acting or the hilarity of the opening scenes. Including "She found all that out from a test". Big Mean Joe Rayles would be in heaven if the ending were cut out, and he probly wouldnt get the moral anyways. Saved! was a fresh break from the crap thats been slowly comin out of hollywood. This movie isnt goin to win any oscars but it isnt garfield, and it is worth the price of admission. The two directions of dislike for this movie our as follow, you either dont like it almost is a satire of christainity, or you dont like it cause it didnt make fun of xtains enough, or you dont care either way and you love mandy moore. Guess were i fit in. In conclusion if you cant laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at, besides justin? ***/***** June 18th- "Dogdeball" (PG-13) June 25th- "The Terminal" (TBA) July 2nd- "Spider-Man 2" (PG-13) (1) comments Thursday, June 10, 2004
Well seeing as Dan is implimenting some new things, I think I'll revive a dead one. Yes, I have decided to steal Koz's Thursday Preview (with his permission). Pohl's Perfectly Purple Pursday(thats Thursday, but with a P for alliteration effet)Preview Since I still have not heard which movie we are seeing, the first edition of P^5 will be a double feature. Now I know you're excited, and thats OK, just sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight. Posibility #1 The Chronicles of Riddick This movie is the sequel of Pitch Black, which was released 4 years ago. Both movies star Vin Diesel as Richard B. Riddick, a intergallactic fugitive. This time around, Vin saves a few more people, then gets in an "apocalyptic battle" with some Lord guy. I agree with Dan in his statement that "I'm tired of all these crappy action movies." Rotten Tomatoe's compilation of review statistics:(edited) 27% - Rotten 7 positive reviews - 19 negative Average Rating: 4.4/10 Keep in mind these statistics are as of 6:00 today and will probably get worse as more people see the movie. Posibility #2 Garfield Who hasn't heard of Garfield? Better question - who doesn't love Garfield? If you're the jackass with his hand up, put it down, you know you're lieing. Garfield is one of the best cartoon strips ever written/drawn. Now Garfield is in movie format, fit for our viewing pleasure. In this movie, we go back in time. Jon Arbuckle has just adopted Odie and Garfield hates that. He wants Odie out(haha, more alliteration). But now that Odie was taken away, Garfield feels guilty and goes out to find him. That is the premise of this movie. Like it, love it, hate it, do whatever; that's the way it is. Jim Davis is a genius, pure and simple. The fact that he is in on the production of this movie is a +. The fact that Garfield is now a CG cat is a -. But if Jim had drawn out the movie, it probably wouldn't come out until early 2048. Rotten Tomatoe Stats: 15% - Rotten (Oof, that's gotta hurt) 4 positive reviews - 23 negative Average Rating: 3.6/10 All of the pre-release reviews are from writers of magazines, newspapers, and online sources. These are the people who I've found know little to nothing about what I like in a movie. Well that's it for the first edition of P^5. - Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow. (0) comments Sunday, June 06, 2004
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban Before my time is done I will look down on your corpse and smile What is so special about this? Its not that fun and or zanny. I now realize i havent been missing anything in the past years of Harry Potter avoidance, he just got to hard to avoid. Pesky little kid. Honestly though "it never ends." It just keeps goin, everyone said this one was short, comparatively to the first 2, but it just doesnt stop. The plot, while to children maybe revolutionary, is quite basic. The specail effect while mostly are quite sweet, at some points are just shameful, like the scene when the kids are running, suuper fasst like. Since i have no other potter knowledge to critic it with, or even to understand it with, i cannot compare it to the other movies, but i will say i was extremely dissapointed, extremely. Why is this so damn popular. Its just a book. It cant be that good either given the movie that was produced. Dont fret though, while harry may be popular now it cant last forever, once this generation grows up the next willn't be willing to read the obscene amount of book jk rowling will have produced by that time and the mythos will die. In conclusion while mildly entertaining to youngins if ur over 14 i would suggest skipping this movie, unless of course ur a pothead. And another thing hermine or watever is gunaa b super hot in a few years. woot woot. And Harry Potter and and all his friends went straight to hell for practicing witchcraft. Yeaaaa **/***** June 11th- "Chronicles of Riddick" (PG-13) June 18th- "Dogdeball" (PG-13) June 25th- "The Terminal" (TBA) July 2nd- "Spider-Man 2" (PG-13) (0) comments Friday, June 04, 2004
Books, they aren't just for reading anymore: Harry P(lightning bolt)otter and the Prisoner of Azkaban [thats #3 for you non-Potter fans. . . *cough*Balch*cough*] First off, Woooooo!!!! Harry Potter!!!!! Secondly - H.P.!!!!!!!!!! WoOoOoOoOoOoOo!!!!!!!!!! Ok Im done. On to the review! Another movie with midgets? This seems to be the reoccuring theme this year. Doompa-loompas in Van Helsing, Soompa-loompas in Shrek 2, and now a midget wizard choir in HP3! Sweeeeeet. Plot: The Harry Potter books are some of the most entertaining books, even if they are ment for kids. Aren't we all kids at heart? Since this movie is based on a good book, just like the first 2, it has a good, though somewhat tricky, plot Characters: Daniel Radcliffe as HP is very believable because he's already a confused Brittish teenager. Rupert Grint is the loveable sidekick Ron. After seeing Lindsey Lohan as Hermione, no one can really compare. Sorry Emma, you did your best, but if Lindsey were Brttish, she would've been Hermione. Richard Harris, we miss thee as Professor Albus Dumbledore, but Michael Gambon did a good job replacing you. Special Effects: Well the magic part was well done. The patronus spell was exactly how I pictured it, except it didn't blind my mind. The magical creatures were very well done, it was almost like Buckbeak jumped right out of my head and onto the screen. Bra-vo. But I did not know that Dementors carried Nitrous oxide with them? They're supposed to suck the life out of things, not freeze them. Water has no life, therefor it should not be affected by the Dementors. True, they gave Harry an icy feeling, but they didn't freeze him, they scared him. Bone Picking Time: Main beef: the ending sequence. The book does not end with Harry blurring his face in the sky. No, it ends with Harry meeting back up with his Uncle and going home. But even before that; Hagrid is the one who tells Harry that Lupin is leaving, as it is Harry just kind of walks in. Once in the office, several of Dumbledore's lines were given to Lupin thus allowing Dumbledore to be cut completely from the scene. On the train home (not even in this movie, it better be in #4) Harry gets a letter from good ol' Sirius and Ron gets a new pet. I can see why Alfonso wanted to keep this scene for the next movie (<---assumption: and it better be true *fist shake*). There were most likely other scenes missed/skipped/rewritten, but seeing as I haven't read the book in 5 years . . . I didn't notice. But I'll be reay next time. 2005, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (filming started 3/22/04),I'm going to start reading it now so I can finish it by the time the movie comes out. Overall: I give this movie a Nike sponsored "Just do it!" Even if you dont want to see it, just do it. If you have anything left of a childish imagination and thirst for magical adventure you will like it. Book of The Wise Pohl Chapter 3, Verse 3: And the Pohl said, "I wish I was a wizard. Poof, Abrakadabrah, Zippity-Zoopity-Zoo, *other various magical sounds*" (0) comments Thursday, June 03, 2004
The Day After Tomorrow The day those damn liberals are banking on Ok lets examine why this movie was the biggest disapointment since sliced bread, im sorry it just wasnt wat i expected, sliced bread of course. First f all it was boring, how can a movie about the destruction of the known world be boring, i dont kno but dennis quaid has something to do about it and dick cheney's body double. And the speech at the end please god take me now. Its not like they could have done anything. I know i wouldnt believe some crackpots theroy on why his son hates him and the known world will be thrown into a ice age. And also the world is destroyd in like an hour, the rest of the time we have to pay attention to the crazy plot that is so stupid it is almost painful. And the scene with the wolves is with out question the dumbest scene in the history of cinee's. I mean come on it seems like it was just tack on. Like someone said "I like wolves, could we put wolves here", "Um is that the best idea ever or wat, who doesnt like wolves, but how can we add them in, we already ended filming?", "Well how bought we add a scene in the beginning were wolves escaped so it will seem like we have been planning this from the start." I also wouldnt be surprised if this was the case for the leg injury that doesnt seem to show up until one scene and the injury is conviently spliced in. Ahhhh this movie is no independence day, i.d.4 didnt have any stupid liberal tag, like "i was wrong the aliens just wanted to bring us healthcare and show us the downfall of capitalists" oh holly wood when will u learn. */***** Shrek 2 Is there work that needs doing? OVERRATED! Honestly its not that good. In fact it was quite mediocre until the second half. Luckily then it picked it up but seriously the first act wasnt good, the tried so hard to make this sequel have a purpose , but it hasnt one and it doesnt need one. Dont get me wrong their were some truly funny parts like the pepper and the giant gingerbread man and i also like the "hero" karoake. But that opening song was eh? i mean sure it was not smash mouth , nothin could be that terrible. What in gods name were they thinking putting that thing in a movie. I do have to admit this movie was better than the original, which i also thought was overrated. 2 did have funnier moments and better characters and was all around better. Puss in boots was a definite highlight, and needs a spinoff. Even donkey wasnt as godawfully annoying as he was in the original. The biggest downside? Fiona, she doesnt work for me, the voice doesnt fit with the body, and the body just isnt fit. Personally i dont think the shrek movies will survive the test of time, they just rely a little to much on current pop culture. Long live the puss. N.S. Harry Potter might just be scarier than Arachibutyrophobia, might? June 4th- "Harry Potter" (PG) June 11th- "Chronicles of Riddick" (TBA) June 18th- "Around the World in 80 Days" (TBA) June 25th- "Garfield" (TBA) July 2nd- "Spider-Man 2" (TBA) (0) comments Friday, May 28, 2004
Hey, look on the bright side, maybe this 15 point loss will inspire those Pistons to play like we know they can! The Day After Tomorrow (Sunday) The Plot - Same old, same old. Guy wants girl. Dad spends little time with guy. Guy and girl get trapped in a storm that recreates an ice age. Dad treks hundreds of miles to rescue guy and girl + others, including guy' competetion for girl, who had his leg bitten by a wolf. You know, the usual. The Cast - Decent, at best. No super stars in this one, although Dennis Quaid did remind me of Harisson Ford. And Bubble-Boy returns to be his son. The acting was sub-par, but thats really all you can expect from a mediocre cast. The Digital Effects - Very well done. All the storms, all the waves, the wolves, looked eriely real. If a new ice age does come, I'm sure it will look rather similar to this film. The "Hidden" Agendas - Such a liberal movie. So so so so liberal. #1. The main message of this propaganda film: we should stop using our natural resources and poluting, it will cause another ice age. Newsflash: If they weren't meant to be used, they wouldn't be called resources. They would be called natural things, like grass or snow. Are they part of nature? Yes. Are they being exploited and are people bitching about it? No. I just cut my lawn today, that's a whole lot of grass that's now dead and useless. If we were using grass as a source of feul, even just the clipings, would people be bitching about it? You bet your ass. You cannot please everyone all the time, you can only please some of the people some of the time. #2. Blatant stab at the Bush-Cheney administration. The VP looks just like good ole' Dick and the Prez is a younger (and I use the term losely) man who is aparently incappable of making decisions without consulting the VP. And low and behold, the VP was wrong about point #1 and the northern hemisphere is now an ice sheet. #3. After the storm, when everything is settled, when the force that caused the storm is balanced, what does Space Man #1 say? "I've never seen the air so clear." Thus meaning no polution, thus refering back to point #1, thus implying that America on its current path will be the cause of a new ice age. Overall: I give this movie a Democratic Convention without any Clintons. It not as good as it could be, but on the other hand, it could be worse, much much worse. Book of Wise Pohl, Chapter 83, Verse 68: What do you do, when anything you do, including nothing, will get you killed? (0) comments Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Does everbody know what time it is? No, not Tool Time, Review Time! (Reposted here from RT b/c Hippo was being mean earlier) Shrek 2 Ah, another Willy Wanka poser. This time, I shall call them "Shoompa-loompas." To reiterate Balch's statement: "Willy Wanka didn't invent midgets" and my continuation: "he just perfected them." (I hate to quote myself, but I found it necissary.) The Fairy Godmother, who I refuse to believe is not the kindest of persons, uses the Shoompa-loompas in her potion factory. Ok, that was about the only relation of Shrek 2 to the great and immortal W.W. But this movie has its own good qualities. Such as K-Wality Kast: Ok, so it was just their voices, but still. And now, in case you've been living under a rock, the cast - Mike Myers (Shrek), Eddie Murphy (Donkey), Antonio Banderas (Puss In Boots), Cameran Diaz (Fiona), John Cleese (The King), + other ansilary characters. K-inda Funny Jokes: As funny as Donkey and Shrek were in the first movie, Puss In Boots stole the show this time around. Antonio Bandaras - not funny. Antonio Bandaras playing a spanish-attack cat - hilarious! And the Dronkeys! If you've seen the first one, I think you know how these came about. And don't forget about the Gingerbread Man! Yes, he makes his triumphant return with his coined catchy catch phrase, [high pitched voice] "Not the gumdrop button!" K-razy Plot: Ok, Shrek <3 Fiona. Shrek thinks Fiona =/= <3 Ogreness. Shrek drinks potion. Shrek and Fiona now = humans =/= ogres. Crazy Fairy Godmother inserts Prince Charming into the mix. (Yes that's his name, hes not a charming prince, he is Prince Charming.) Yada Yada skip some parts, Shrek and Fiona = ogres again and they live happily ever after. K-rappy Parts: As stated earlier, Puss stole the show. Donkey was not nearly as funny as S1 and Shrek was just sorta there so they could call the movie "Shrek 2." It should have been called Puss and Donkey's Amazing Adventure to Far Far Away You remember how in Shrek 1, it ended with a great musical number? Well they attempt to do the same in this movie. Only its shorter, involves less characters, and the song is "Livin La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin. The only good part of the finale song was Pinnochio's M.J. impression. And no, that's not Michael Jordan. The Vertict: I give this movie a Hot chick at the beach, even if you don't want to go see it (and why wouldnt you? Are you gay?), go see it. Your mind will thank you, your body will thank you, even your girlfriend will thank you (ok maybe not for the beach part, but the movie) And now, to satisfy the masses: Book of The Wise Pohl, Chapter 11, Verse 911 "Even if you are on the right track you'll get run over if you just sit there!" - Wait, what's this? A second reading? I think so: Book of The Wise Pohl, Chapter 11, Verse 914 "It's always been and always will be the same in the world: The horse does the work and the coachman is tipped." (0) comments Tuesday, May 18, 2004
Troy Beware of Greeks Bearing Gifts Wolgang Peterson not only has a kick ass name he also can direct, on occasion. He has made some of the greatest movies of our time; Das Boot, NeverEnding Story, and Outbreak; but also he has had his follys like any other human being ie. The Perfect Storm and Bicentenial Man. And Troy almost was a instant classic but it fell short. Not for lack of Brad Pitt scantily clad or lack of hottness ie HELEN OF TROY. I mean it even had the Hulk and Legolas! The most unlikely duo in the history of crossover that didnt really happen. It had Brian Cox for god sake this movie cannot be bad, it is infallible. Or is it? Almost, it doesn't use its full potential of all out war havoc. Sure it never technically happened but that doesnt mean u cant make a movie about it. Troy feels like an epic and never "boars" but it had so much amazinpotential. Still all things considered it twas one of the best films for awile. This presummer lull is driving me crazy, damn u summer y cant u come sooner. Heaven ain't close in a place like this. I need my crappy action packed movies because that is what the american public wants and damned be it, if thats not what they are going to get summer movie fest! And one last thing men will be wearing skirts in the next 5 years. ****/***** "Somebody told me, you had a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend?" May 21st- "Shrek 2" (PG) May 28th- "Day After Tomorrow, The" (TBA) June 4th- "Mindhunters" (R) June 11th- "Chronicles of Riddick" (TBA) June 18th- "Around the World in 80 Days" (TBA) June 25th- "Garfield" (TBA) July 2nd- "Spider-Man 2" (TBA) (0) comments Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Van Helsing YOU'RE NOT MY REAL FATHER? Oh what has the world come to. This movie was in a world craptactilscous. Firsts things first this movie was all action, it didn't even try to be any thing more. And some parts were unbeleivable cheesy, my jaw fell to the floor at one point cause i couldnt beleive somebody would put that in a movie, its just sooooo stupid. And the vampires, dont get me started on the vampires, cause they sucked, literally and metaphorically. Sure they were hott in person but vampire form was soooo crappy i mean at least try. It is amazing what this much money can be made into. Stephen Summers Sucks. If you have seen either mummy u can tell this is by the same director. He loves to open mouth beyond their capacity, sick fetish?, loves midgets and other short things, sick fetish?, and he doesnt like plot lines, sick fetish? I am pretty sure he just says wow thats cool ill put it(closes eyes and twirls pen in hand then drops pen) here! Perfect, movie complete. All of his important plot points are addons to the movie to make it make a little sense. In the end remember, if a wolfman hits your carriage it will catch on fire! Beware! **/***** Mean Girls What with all the shenanigans and goings-on. The highlight of the two weeks, lindsey lohann. roowr. Lets face it this is just another one of those click movies but man lindsey is hott. And she has grown quite alot since freaky friday if u kno wat i mean oh yea, giggidy, giggidy, giggidy. SNL is goin down the drain, since tina fey wrote this it doesnt have the best story but really who cares, it has hott chicks **/***** Envy Hope you like cyanide! Bad jack bad. Stop this right now. Make funny movie like school of rock or waterworld not this crap or shallow hal, or should i say hallow shal, think about it. In a word this movie was not funny, even in the least bit. If christopher walkin can't save ur movie ur in trouble, serious, serious trouble. The plot oh the plot how it thickens yet never to thick. Like when his wife left then came right back, thats good marriaging, or when you never say where the poop goes, dont make a big deal unless ur goin to say where the god damn poop goes. Worst movie seen in a long time */***** May 14th- "Troy" (R) May 21st- "Shrek 2" TBA) May 28th- "Day After Tomorrow, The" (TBA) June 4th- "Mindhunters" (R) June 11th- "Chronicles of Riddick" (TBA) June 18th- "Around the World in 80 Days" (TBA) June 25th- "Garfield" (TBA) July 2nd- "Spider-Man 2" (TBA) (0) comments Sunday, April 25, 2004
The Punisher The 6 oz of fat that was cut off the steak that is Kill Bill... is finally a movie! Hey some people like fat, not me though I enoi a nice filet mignon. Super hero movies are comming out ( of the closet in most cases) in disturbing numbers if this trend continues all movies super hero movies will constitute 110% of all movies produced in 2010. Thank you Mr Spiderman. I want new super heroes not these crappy 60s rejects, wheres my rambo or terminator or mayb even alien. Those movies where good and not just rehash threaded together like a poorly knitted sweater. Obviously, like all movies today, the movie would rather set itself up to make a billion sequels than lets say be entertaining, case in point underworld. When will people learn u can always make sequels you dont need to prepare for them, its not like their goin to be good anyways. Super hero movies are getting old, looking at the spiderman 2 trailer im pretty sure they just finally said lets just string crazy special efefcts together and ruin the comic book, i mean im sure a plot will develop eventually. Maybe i am wrong maybe super hero movies are beginning a golden age of cinema where you dont watch the movie the movie watches you. I hope the flow of comic book rehash ends and our generation gets some heroes for ourselves and stops borrowing, er i mean raping, comic and super heros from the past. I can see it now spiderman vs punisher with a cameo by the incredible hulk: the battle for batwoman. Lets just say their is a reason that Kill Bill beat the Punisher in the box office, while watching this movie i got a eerie sense of deja vu, it feels like you've scene the movie before, i will admit there were a few cool things, im sure pohl has mentioned them all though. I do enjoy a little travolta now and then. And then the big finale, i wont ruin it for you but, it got a bunch of sweets during the movie. I assure( i made a ass out of u and re) u though it was quite stupid and it is amazing how fire can be controlled to certain parts of cars and even created with no cars. Its not fair to see a movie the week after seeing kill bill its just not fair.The lord is vengeful. **/***** April 30th- "Envy" (PG-13) May 7th- "Van Helsing" (PG-13) May 14th- "Troy" (TBA) May 21st- "Shrek 2" TBA) May 28th- "Day After Tomorrow, The" (TBA) June 4th- "Mindhunters" (R) June 11th- "Chronicles of Riddick" (TBA) June 18th- "Around the World in 80 Days" (TBA) June 25th- "Garfield" (TBA) July 2nd- "Spider-Man 2" (TBA) (0) comments Five*****Star*****Collection Five Star's of ... Love? Kill Bill Vol. II What's the matter? What are you sad about? What did you want me to do? Capture 'em and rehabilitate 'em? Yeah a movie thats good yeah! Good thing the matrix decided to be a trilogy and star wars decided it liked star wars 4 better, even though its still just star wars cause the prequels suck soooooo bad that the dont deserve to be movies let alone cinees, without these stellar experiments on how to ruin good things it wouldnt be possible to appreciate the overall swellness that is Kill Bill. This movie also had to be split into two parts, for profiteering purposes and overall experience. I got to digest the crazy antics and mucho violence that is vol I, and wait for my conclusion. And when seperated these movies are totally different, one is super stylized violence and the other is a plot filled action movie, pick your pony. Either way they are both amazing. Vol II sacrifices body count for dialouge and swordplay for characters. Either way i am happy. This movie is just too good for words, i cant wait to see both movies together adding my own intermission, o wat times ill have. Now all i ask is that mr t makes more movies, and i think we all know wat mr t i am talking about. ***** (0) comments Sunday, April 18, 2004
The Alamo Stop or we will surender Wow, this movie was crapalicuos. Sure it had billy bob but lets face it he wasnt naked, and wat kind of billy bob is that... a bad one. I havent seen a war movie that is so warlike in ages i know for a fact blood is just a conspiracy contrived by the socialist in a clever attempt to kill martin sheen. And cannon balls in reality are just flashes of light. And war is really really boring. just like this movie. And another thing the patriot sucked. Hey at least the mexicans spoke mexican as opposed to english or mayb even spanish. You got to give them a little historical credit. What happened to the only good thing ever to happen at the alamo, and what this movie should have been about, ozzy taking a whiz right on it, hey when nature call, and you try and act like your not home but that fucker is relentless, you gotta answer. Mayb its that this section of time just isnt interestingor mayb the movie itself is to blame, or mayb just mayb this is all somehow my fault, i wouldnt bet on the latter. But i am not a betting man. Well just remember this little quote, i think its from proverbs "Mr. Chocolate Bunny your punishment for stealing painted eggs in a time of famine is... off with your head!" April 23rd- "Punisher, The" (R) April 30th- "Envy" (PG-13) May 7th- "Van Helsing" (PG-13) May 14th- "Troy" (TBA) May 21st- "Shrek 2" TBA) May 28th- "Day After Tomorrow, The" (TBA) June 4th- "Mindhunters" (R) June 11th- "Chronicles of Riddick" (TBA) June 18th- "Around the World in 80 Days" (TBA) June 25th- "Garfield" (TBA) July 2nd- "Spider-Man 2" (TBA) (0) comments Sunday, March 28, 2004
THe 2nd Annual Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia movie award spectacular! Truly America's Greatest Honor So many crappy movies where o where to begin? Worst Special Effects in a Movie And The Phoby goes to... The Medallion for the best sound ever Honorable Mention... The Rundown for that explosion walk away scene, so craptascular The That Remind Me of Kelly Award And The Phoby goes to... Kelly actually was in Phone Booth so this was a no brainer, the whore Honorable Mention... Zombie, yes she is a biter, at least thats what i hear Most Nudity in a Movie Thats NOT Porn And The Phoby goes to... Better Luck Tomorrow hookers galore Honorable Mention... Dawn of the Dead, sure its not quantity but it is pointless Best Use of a Circular Object Award In a Movie Award And The Phoby goes to... Holes for roking the kazzbot Honorable Mention... Lord of The Rings ROTK, a small little indie flick uve probly never heard of The That IS Justin Award And The Phoby goes to... That guy from Dawn of the Dead if u know "Where have u guys been?" Honorable Mention... Zombie from Dawn of the Dead, if only they did less running Most Things That Had to do with X-men in a Movie Award And The Phoby goes to... X2 for being about Xmen Honorable Mention... Hey Thats Not Right Award And The Phoby goes to... Freakish hybrid baby in Dawn of the Dead Honorable Mention... Jersey Girl for being not right Best Scenery for a Movie And The Phoby goes to... D-TOWN ie Robocop, i mean Narc Honorable Mention... Phone Booth for its stellar depiction of itself in Phone Booth Best Horror Flick that is not Dawn of the Dead because that makes it fair Award And The Phoby goes to... Identity for have Ray Liotta automatic award Honorable Mention... Freddy vs Jason for bringing me bake to my roots as a deranged psycopath Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread And The Phoby goes to... Blood brought to you by Kill Bill Honorable Mention... Better Luck Tomorrow for asian peeps Worst Remake of a Film Made Along Time Ago And The Phoby goes to... Italian Job for having Marky Mark in it and not being a porno Best Remake of a Film Made Along Time Ago And The Phoby goes to... Dawn of the Dead That Movie Is SOO Bad it Actually Makes Its Classic Predessor A Little Worse And The Phoby goes to... Dumb and Dumberer, Why Lord Why Worst Movie Experience Ever And The Phoby goes to... City of God thank you Christopher The SuperHero Movie that Should Have Never Been Made Award And The Phoby goes to... LXG for being itself, which is realy bad Honorable Mention... Hulk cause ever time i saw the hulk i couldnt get the picture of Ang Lee doing the mocap for him HIlarious Honorable Mention... Underworld while i dont think it was a superhero movie per se it did suck Best Movie Experience Ever And The Phoby goes to... X2 for letting us know their are HOTT lesbains in the world The I mIss Martin Sheen And The Phoby goes to... Myself i know he is associated with the sinister side but i love the little guy The Justins Next GF Award And The Phoby goes to... When justin goes to jail see Butterfly Effect minus the killing Honorable Mention... any one of the fucked up chicks from thirteen Hey wait a Sec this Should Suck And The Phoby goes to... Freaky Friday for not sucking Honorable Mention... S.W.A.T also did not suck and was supposed to Why Sequels Are The Epitamy of Everything Wrong In The World And The Phoby goes to... Bad Boys II not even roman numerals could save this one Honorable Mention... Matrix Revoultions for being the worst conclusion in the History of the world Honorable Mention... Matrix Reloaded for leading into the train wreak that is the movie above it Johnny Depp Obligatory Award And The Phoby goes to... Pirates of the Carribean cause although it sucked my namesake kicks ass Honorable Mention... Secret Window see above Best Movie That Almost Taught Me Something And The Phoby goes to... Miracle for teaching only hockey can topple communism Honorable Mention... Dawn of the Dead for teaching you must shoot zombies in the head thank you Best Animated Feature Film That is NOT Porn And The Phoby goes to... Finding Nemo cause i love thee Honorable Mention... Piglet's Big Movie cause like their were no others like Worst Romantic Comedy And The Phoby goes to... Down With Love Honorable Mention... Alex and Emma Best Movie with God starring as a Lead And The Phoby goes to... The Passion of the Christ for being antisemitic Honorable Mention... Bruce Almighty for getting it right God is Black The Only Thing That Our Reviewers Have Ever Agreed Upon And The Phoby goes to... Hot Chick From Tears of the Sun and the amazing effects of cinematography Ok That Doesnt Make Any Sense And The Phoby goes to... Spider cause i dont get it Honorable Mention... Dreammaker for british aliens and so on Just Cause i Started It Doesnt Mean i Have To Finish It Award And The Phoby goes to... Dan for the Horrow Movie Fiasco Honorable Mention... Dan for His Top 25 Wait a Second What The Fuck Are You Talking About And The Phoby goes to... Kaz for his review of assumably Shawshank Redemption, he forgot to ever say the name of the movie, a little typo Honorable Mention...Passion for not speaking in ebonics, which is are national language Worst Adam Sandler Movie Award And The Phoby goes to... Anger Management when while adam learn he is cant keep making movies like this before God himself comes down and smites him Honorable Mention... 50 First Dates Adam Sandlershould just make trailers and never release an actual movie, maybe that would work Thats One Big Horse P****s And The Phoby goes to... Seabicuit for having the nerve to get people to stand up and clap during the movie, hello people the actors cant hear you The Tara Reid Award And The Phoby goes to... American Wedding why wasnt she in this why did this movie suck the answers are on in the same Honorable Mention... My Bosses Daughter why wasnt their nudity in this why did this movie suck sooooo much , i dont know god hates us June 6th A Day That Will ln Infamy And The Phoby goes to... Master And Commander for ruining a perfectly good day The Jackie Chan Please Retire Award And The Phoby goes to... The Medallion Greatest Review Award And The Phoby goes to... Y Tu Mama Tambien by myself go read it it really is The Reason the World Will End Award And The Phoby goes to... The Hulks ummm bulge in his tight purple pants Honorable Mention... House of 1000 Corpses it will happen to you! Most Rockingest Movie EVER! And The Phoby goes to... School of Rock i believe The Worst Movie of the Year And The Phoby goes to... Love Actually holy shit wat an over hyped left wing crap shoot if only we just had a little love, avoid this movie with extreme prejudice Honorable Mention... Let us see we got, The Medallion, Down with Love, Dumb and Dumberer, Alex and Emma, Spy Kids3D, and the classic My Bosses Daughter Best Picture And The Phoby goes to... Lord of the Rings ROTK for concluding the best trilogy in the history of movies and also being the best movie in that trilogy, Sequels kick ass Honorable Mention... Better Luck Tomorrow, Kill Bill, thirteen, The Passion, Dawn of the Dead, School of Rock, and one of my all time favs Finding Nemo I think i can honestly say this has been the best year in the history of Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, Whats next for the hippo? a feature film now i only have one thing to say about that, its only a rumor... and all rumors are true. Good Night (0) comments Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Review Revue Secret Window The scene can be best described as mayhem Ok film makers, putting johnny depp in a movie does not make it a hit, sure it worked for Pirates of the Carribeanm but that was a fluke. Please spend more money on a script and less on a single actor. This movie had a serious problem, it wasnt any good. First of all it was a PG-13 thriller, which is a oxymoron. Nothing good can come of this, ie the ring. And another thing this movie forgot to be a thriller, more like lets watch johnny depp prance around on screen, wait lets put multiple johnny depps in the same scene, fool proof. Dont get me wrong johnny depp is a sweet actor. And then the conclusion, eh it was kinda surprising as in i wasnt suspecting a surprise ending, but then i get one force fed to me. And then the last scene was fucked up, thats all u can say about that. I need some gore, nudity, and pervasive language, gimme some R rating, or go make a comedy. */***** Starsky and Hutch It's hard for us here to be reporting this to you, but it does seem to be a fact. This movie got to much word of mouth hype. It's not as good as some people tend to believe, but that is the case with way to many people. As long as their is an explosion they are happy, wow look at the pretty colors. But this movie was better than it should have been, i mean this movie had huge sucking potential, its sad really. funny parts are sparse but some are quite good, and gosh darnit i laughed the hardest at the "do it" part, its reapeated ad nauseam for a reason. a lot of the funny parts were in the trailers, which is sad, but unlike Anger Management they still were funny. It is hard to dislike this movie, its so damn likeable, not a classic by far, but it certainly is watchable. Hopefully they dont ruin this movie with a sequel or prequel. ha fat chance in hell ***/***** Dawn of the Dead We ARE being punished for our sins! The dead are rising, and Judgment Day is upon us! Sweet Cinee. This is how a movie should be made, crazy plot, all fun. The best part of the movie is they dont explain thing, all u gotta know is u shoot em in the head and they become normal dead. It even ryhmes. Whenever u begin to think about y are they doin this or what the hell is goin on the movie then proceeds to kill of a main character, brillant. And if the senseless violence was not enough, they added a little humor on the side, thats ingenious. And the comedy in it is better than most comedies. And if thats not enough they added, totally pointless nudity in the opening credits, and i do mean totally pointless, the best kind. And wat is with the zombies not liking dog meat, i mean wouldnt it be just as good if not better than human. Horror movies are making a come back and i am loving it. ****/***** March 26th- "Jersey Girl" (PG-13) April 2nd- "Hellboy" (TBA) April 9th- "Alamo, The" (TBA) April 16th- "Kill Bill: Vol. 2" (TBA) April 23rd- "Punisher, The" (TBA) April 30th- "Laws of Attraction" (PG-13) May 7th- "Van Helsing" (TBA) May 14th- "Troy" (TBA) May 21st- "Shrek 2" TBA) May 28th- "Day After Tomorrow, The" (TBA) June 4th- "Mindhunters" (R) June 11th- "Chronicles of Riddick" (TBA) June 18th- "Around the World in 80 Days" (TBA) June 25th- "Garfield" (TBA) July 2nd- "Spider-Man 2" (TBA) (0) comments Monday, March 08, 2004
The Passion of The Christ Licking an electrical outlet does not turn you into a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger What a sweet movie, i mean it has everything, hot chick, acts of vengence by God, dilberate cruelty (which according to Blanche is unforgivable, but not to Jesus, but lest we forget Blanche is one crazy mofo), umm jews, the letter t, and can you name one quality movie that does NOT have everyones favorite loser, that silly King Herod. Didnt think so. And good thing mel left this one open to sequels, i wanna know how the story ends, or as one reporter said "Mel still has a lot of Bible to option." So True Will those silly jewish people every stop whinning, seriously know one cares, oh but i dont want this movie to start a wave a antisemitism, come on like that even had a possiblity of happening, the only way that could have happened is to butcher both the story and the princibles behind the life of jesus christ. Mel even took out my fav part of the gospel because of their incessent whinning. Did the Jews expect in the words " Go Kill Jewish People because this is all their fault and they have to much dirty money"in big red letters to be on the screen. Please if someone is a skinhead already the aren't goin to be goin to the cine and the impressionable youth dont care enough to care. Ok here is a fact: Jesus was killed by Jewish people. I dont care that it was at the hands of the romans, but the blood was on the hands of those who condemned him in the first place. Sure he did for all of us blahty blahty. And sure Jesus was a popular guy, but damn mob mentality.This movie is for people who already believe, otherwise it is hard to grasp wat Jesus' is really doin and if you dont believe he is dieing for eternal life than this movie is just a story of a man who was crucified and the blood and gore seem quite pointless. In retrospect this movie wasnt that gory. There was only one shot i found truly distribing, but for the squimish all the blood helps it stick with you, a little harder to forget. Critics have overplayed the gore way to much, they must have lived a sheltered life and not have seen any war movie, ever, sure it doesnt try to hide the unhumane personal nature of the violence, but isnt that half the fun. Mayb i am just a little to desencitized, but i have seen worse, a lot worse. Certainly not for small chillins though. And one critic had the testicular fortitude to say some thing like if Jesus had gone through that he would have died 3 times before he reached galgatha. He obviously didnt get the message of suffering servant, and its all in the bible honey I heart subtitles, say what you will but this moive would not have been even close to as good with them speaking english. I saw a preview for Judas and he was speaking english to the high priest and it didnt have the impact of the aramaic saying. The languages add to the believability of the movie as a whole, a create a more entertaining experience and a more fufilling one. The movie would have been quite interesting with out the subtitles at all i must say. And personally i dont find them annoying, maybe, just maybe that is because i can read. One thing is for sure there is a lot of things open to interpertation, although one of them is not whether that animal was a sheep or not, cause it wasnt, sheep dont have teeth like that and dont say well it symbolized Judas' leaving the flock and dieing, maybe it was just a way to give him a rope or maybe it was just a mule, and maybe it was just a tree, and maybe it was just satan's spawn. And who says satan cant have a face, tis it not a fallen angel, does the angel gabriel have no face, tis debatable. I think that is enough ramblings for now, sorry for affending you, i will try again next week.And if you take one thing from this loosely connected forray of opinions let it be this Bullets do not bounce off of fat boys! ****/***** One kWality Calendar March 12th- "Starsky & Hutch" (PG-13) March 19th- "Dawn of the Dead" (R) March 26th- "Jersey Girl" (PG-13) April 2nd- "Hellboy" (TBA) April 9th- "Alamo, The" (TBA) April 16th- "Kill Bill: Vol. 2" (TBA) April 23rd- "Punisher, The" (TBA) April 30th- "Laws of Attraction" (PG-13) May 7th- "Van Helsing" (TBA) May 14th- "Troy" (TBA) May 21st- "Shrek 2" TBA) May 28th- "Day After Tomorrow, The" (TBA) June 4th- "Mindhunters" (R) June 11th- "Chronicles of Riddick" (TBA) June 18th- "Around the World in 80 Days" (TBA) June 25th- "Garfield" (TBA) July 2nd- "Spider-Man 2" (TBA) (0) comments Wednesday, February 25, 2004
50 First Dates Everything is 10% fruit juice Little known fact, i saw this movie. I know I know i surprise myself somedays. But let me tell u something this movie was a Adam Sandler flick, cringe, yes it was. And we all know how bad adam is at makin movie, sure he had some luck in the beginning but man some of his later work has sucked the kasbot. You disagree? one word 8crazynight? One of the worst movies in the history of the han-e-ka. Big Daddy? Eh? Wedding Singer? Ive seen better china, the dishware not the country. Water boy was the begging of the end, fairly decent but doesnt compare to his previous works. So sad. Too bad snl sucks sooo bad now, Jesus what happened. Back to the movie, its a date movie, and not a very good one cause rob schneider is the best part off it. Yea think about it. Also funny was the brother who snorted creatin, i mean protien, and had a real high voice. Hi Larious. In conclusion Adam Sandler must stop making movies before they become absolutely horrendous now they are barely amusing. Bring on the JESUS! **/***** February 27th- "Passion of The Christ" (R) (0) comments Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Miracle What has happened here was caused by a force which up until a few days ago was entirely beyond the scope of Man's imagination. Chris was right we did elect the greatest president who was once an actor of our time. This movie was quite accurate, hockey wise, for the greatest thing to happen since sliced bread and the real reason communism failed. Thats right the pope just swooped in and took all the glory. Too bad it wasnt put unto celluoid as the truth. Their is surprisingly little in this 2 hours and 25 min videe. I couldnt name for the life of me more than 2 players on the usa team. So their wasnt much emotional attachment and lest we forget i already knew the ending so their wasnt to much off a surprise. But boy they hockey doesnt transfer well to movie form, at least it wasnt as bad a d2 but than again wat is. Yea wat now? except d3 of course. I would off liked to see comunnism topple but i guess ladder drills took priority over that. Good thing this movie was about hockey or it might suck ***/***** February 13th- "50 First Dates" (PG-13) February 20th- "Euro Trip" (R) February 27th- "Passion of The Christ" (R) (0) comments Monday, January 26, 2004
They Dont Make 'Em Like They Used To Special Featuring The Butterfly Effect Somebody once wrote: "Hell is the impossibility of reason." That's what this place feels like. Hell. Wooo Ashton Kutcher. Boooo crapy drama. Ashton is a funny guy, but mayb not the greatedt actor. I mean he may win best actor one day, but he will probly win a grammy before that. O wait i think he already has one, at least one, god knows i have way to many. Well thats wat u get for singing in class they just keep giving them out, their like the plague nobody wants it but that dont stop them from giving u multiple grammys every year. I said it. And you can just by an oscar anyways so Kutcher in '06, Win with the Kutch. Any ways this was a motion picture. And it had nudity so it passed my test. Next. Wat? How many more lines? You guys fuckin suck. Well the nudity was female so all the better, and get this it has a cripple which got some laugh from the sick and twisted crowd. HOLY CRIP ITS A CRAPPLE. Not one of u is goin to heaven. straight to hell where the cripples will be laughing at you. The acting personally was not meant to be takin super seriously. And was quite humorous except for the insanly disturbing parts in the beginning. Some of that shit was fucked up man. not cool. I would be happy never seeing this movie again, at least the beginning cause the big fat dude was hi larious. It just goes to show the bigger the man the more sexual pleasure said man needs. ***/***** And with a cameo by Along Came Polly He's a nut-bag! Just because the fucker's got a library card doesn't make him Yoda! So much swearing today. Im sorry. No wait... i was being sarcastic. This movie was the definition of formula, the number 4 plus money= average movie Sure jennifer anniston is hot but that only goes so far, like all the way. Best part of the movie was the sympathy sex scene. Easy. Then comes Hank Azaria as Moe the bartender, dealing out a little love with his feeling numbing booze. My favorite part was where they get together even though by all logical reason they should not be put on the same plane let alone sleep in the same house, o but she completes him. No she doesnt she is the complete opposite and neither of them understand the other. Not saying this movie wasnt funny, it had its moments, but michael jackson had his moments too. I retract that last statment. Dont you hate it when you can come up with a easy hassle free way to solve on screen problem, well that happens alot during this movie at least one big one that was one of the big toilet humor jokes. its not that funny when they dont have to be doin it. Thsi could have been a great movie with the actors they had but instead they put together a script writen by a monkey with a red crayon in one hand and a green in the other .Which brings me to the real problem... we are still a month away from salvation, i mean Passion of Christ... o boy i cannot wait **/***** January 30th- "Big Bounce, The" (PG-13) February 6th- "Miracle" (PG) February 13th- "50 First Dates" (PG-13) February 20th- "Euro Trip" (TBA) February 27th- "Passion of The Christ" (TBA) (0) comments Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Post Exam Movie BLOW-out Okay Marge, its your child against my child. The winner will be showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore! Big Fish My story's better, it has tigers! Atouching story of a boy who never knew his real father, but in the end it turns out he did kinda but not really only in a metaphysical way. It certainly was nice to look at as opposed to wat was sitting a few seats to the left of me. A fairly decent story with good acting and GIANTS... and hot asian twins. and lets not forget the worlds tallest dwarf... danny devito. The ending is pretty corny but so is life so deal with it. Ewan is fairly amusing but walking the edge of annoying with his character, i really dont care how preseverant u r. Theirs not much to say about this movie except its pretty darn good, scroll down if u want to hear me make fun of a movie.Alright hears my conclusion best movie ive seen in theaters since... LOTR:ROTK ****/***** Peter Pan Ooh, pretty creepy. Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the Wolf Man. All i really have to say is it is better than hook. Yea i said it wat r u gunna do about it. Y do i say these blasphemies u ask because this actually has a BOY play Peter not a overgrown hairy piece of man meat. Robin Williams u suck! Captain Hook is also played better in this installment, the only down point... tinker bell is not hot, at all. Its not like she has any lines couldnt they get a hot bigboobed supermodel, give a little incentive for the boys to watch the movie. I mean is that really to much to ask, its not like it hurt the movie, it improves it and isnt that y we watch movies, to see hot chicks with barely anything on try to act, i think we all know the answer to that, no. But it is fun and in the end isnt that all that matter, in a word ... no. O yea movie review super cute yadda yadda yadda really BIG crocidile blah blah blah pirates, and no thank god they dont come from the carribean ***/***** Love Actually English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England. Maybe its the sophisticate british humor or mayb its my young uncontaminated mine but man this movie sucked arse. Its hard to comprehend the badness of this huge blockbuster. Ok hears the lowdown it invovles no less than about 10 couples, with barely any connection between any of them. So all and all some storys get about 15 minutes of screen times. Its like someone said how many romantic storys can we come up with, ummm about 10, ok lets put umm all in one movie, isnt that goin to be one long movie, not if we take make the storys really bad and unfunny. Yea that sounds right. I can think of at most 2 enjoyable storys and one story that i really liked until the end. I think dan put it best " but they all meet up at the end" Well most do but this is a kicker, they meet up at a ... airport, well holy shit how could anyone write a script where 10 couples are at a airport at the same time after 2 and a half hours of utter boredom and monotony, i want to meet that script writing team(one man could not do it). This movie is kinda like Arested Development its critically acclaimed and i guess some people like it , the people next to me we goin crazy with laughter, but in the end its not really funny at all. They have some good material but no one ever told them how to tell a joke. Do u wanna hear something really funny, one of the story has hugh grant as get this... the prime minister of England, not only is that hilarious in its own but the story is actually just affornt to bitch at british foreign policies and say its all americas fault... and they are quite stereotypical of the american president. Maybe im reading to much into this but i dont think i am, and well frankly i dont want to rant but in short this movie suck. And get this they had the audacity, no the testicular fortitude to use the fortitude to use the phrase "stark naked" If u ask me those brits are just a bunch of cigarettes */***** January 23rd- "Butterfly Effect, The" (R) January 30th- "Big Bounce, The" (PG-13) February 6th- "Miracle" (PG) February 13th- "50 First Dates" (PG-13) February 20th- "Euro Trip" (TBA) February 27th- "Passion of The Christ" (TBA) (0) comments |