The Monotony of Monogamy

 
A Calendar in Review II: The Sequel

WIllly Wonka so does not count, not only did it come out a million years ago but we all saw it a million years ago.
So without furthe adeiu i bring to you
the true, unadulterrated, uncut, neverbefore seen directors cut of the Ranks

(17)Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over-*-
(16) My Boss's Daughter-*-
(15) The Medallion-**-
(14) Underworld-**-
(13) American Wedding-**-
(12) Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl-**-
(11) Freddy vs. Jason-***-
(10) Freaky Friday-***-
(9) 28 Days Later...-***-
(8) S.W.A.T-***-
(7) Seabiscuit-***-
(6) The Matrix Revolutions-***-
(5) Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines-***-
(4) The Rundown-***-
(3) School of Rock-****-
(2) thirteen-****-

(1) Kill Bill: Volume 1-*****-
posted by John at 9:22 PM

 
The Last Samurai

Hey, I'm supposed to be the hero here! Come on! Well, can I just pistol whip you guys a couple of times for the camera?

Yes, now here's the plan. We'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Which will be guarded by lasers three inches above the floor, now you'll have to squeeze yourself to the size of about a sponge and then crawl across the floor like a dolphin or some other amphibious mammal. Wait wrong tom cruise masterpiece. I heart tom cruise. I heart ninjas. Fool proof right? yes thats y i cant wait for the sequel, The Last Ninja. And dont think it wont happen, we are talkin about movie studios here. Hopefully they will cast Brad Pitt opposite the cruisinator. Which brings us to the movie, their was one well known actor in the whole movie, kinda wierd for a big budget motion picture. Not to say the actors were bad, they were the opposite of bad. The battle scenes were gory and pretty freakin sweet except overly dramatic, which is the story of the whole movie, at some points i really didnt care and other points i did. THis movie had the chance to be really bad, but it came out of it all smelling like tulips. And chris i will never forget the 1st time u didnt write a preview... o the suspense... City of God, or as the natives like to call it the Wagianioahfglkadnfg, oh sorry chiken bone in my throat, THE DAY WE DIDNT SEE A GODDAMN MOVIE CAUSE WE ARE NOT 17! all ur fault
***/*****

December 19th- "LOTR: Return of the King" (PG-13)
December 25th- "Cheaper by the Dozen" (PG)
January 9th- "Chasing Liberty" (TBA)
January 16th- "The Perfect Score" (PG-13)
January 23rd- "Mindhunters" (R)
January 30th- "Big Bounce, The" (PG-13)
February 6th- "Butterfly Effect, The" (R)
February 13th- "Cursed" (TBA)
February 20th- "Kill Bill: Vol. 2" (TBA)
posted by John at 5:34 PM

 
Dr. Suess' The Cat In The Hat

And now, with your permission I'm going to do my stuff

Alas what a cruel world we live in. This movie is gettin raped by the critics, literraly and figurtively of couse. But its not that bad. I can say this, its better than a dr suess book movie should be. Heres the thing dr suess was not writing screen plays for a reason, none of his books have enough substance for a movie. And they are not meant to be movies. Cartoon, maybe, but not over 30 min. Not right i tells you. Not funny is a different story. The movie was entertaining, but not in any way shape or form like the book. I enjoyed most of this 82 min!!!! fiasco of dibocalation. This stake in the heart of a beloved childrens writer. Lets just say ive seen a worse dr suess movie. *cough* grinch *cough* Thats one thats best forgoten. So wats next on the chopping block, will the take green eggs and ham out back to be "fixed" or will "one fish two fish red fish blue fish" be sleeping with the fishies thanks to those god fearing gentlemen i like to call universal studios
**/*****

It ain't fittin'...it ain't fittin'. It jes' ain't fittin'.......It ain't fittin'.

December 5th- "The Last Samurai" (R)
December 12th- "Stuck on You" (PG-13)
December 19th- "LOTR: Return of the King" (PG-13)
December 25th- "Cheaper by the Dozen" (PG)
January 9th- "Chasing Liberty" (TBA)
January 16th- "The Perfect Score" (PG-13)
January 23rd- "Mindhunters" (R)
January 30th- "Big Bounce, The" (PG-13)
February 6th- "Butterfly Effect, The" (R)
February 13th- "Cursed" (TBA)
February 20th- "Kill Bill: Vol. 2" (TBA)
posted by John at 7:22 PM

 
Loosely Connected Thoughts About...

The Matrix Revolutions

Then man made the machine in his own likeness. Thus did man become the architect of his own demise.

Not quite but thats a later story. First i would like to quote the legend "What did that explain?" Very little dev ones. very little at all. The Matrix sequels were very much unnecessary, but they had their highlights. I looked forward to the sequel since the first came out, in the end i was dissapointed. And i was sitting in the theater watching previews and it hit me i was goin to be watching the matrix, the new matrix. It didnt seem right. No not right at all. In reality i could care less the outcome of the war, i realized that after the second. And now that i know the outcome, i dont want to know it, its not matrixesque not up to par with the first. Their something about uncertainty that makes a movie better. But no one can be told this, they must see it for themselves.

Ignorance is Bliss

TO THE MOVIE... All action all the time. Some crazy stuff. The war in Zion was like a short film by itself since it was ALL action, swarm after swarm of machines fighting the faithful and true. This goes on for awile, a long while. i forgot about neo until about 15 min in the fight. This is a very polished scene and looks to please. I have to admit the mechs are sort of silly, in all reality a mech is not a feasible weapon, i would rather be in a tank my self. Now would a futuristic society choose a complex system of gears and levers to make legs or simply put wheels on a big piece of metal to make a tank. In contrast, the kalamari are sweet, the swarm like u would think a group of machine squid would swarm. very cool. In all reality the humans never have a chance.

I can shoot straight, if I don't have to shoot too far.

Then thiers the weapons check scene with stikes amazing similarities with a particualr scene from the original. Rehash, yes. O but wait it has an amazing special effect, some people are on the ceiling... yea thats not that cool. What is cool the mp5's morpheus had. Then their is the obligatory dance scene. But this time its bondage style... ooo sweet just like reloaded. Wait that was the worst scene in reloaded. OK you want something fresh how about a neo vs smith fight. aLready been done, thats the story of revolutions. Deja vu as it may be it gets a little tedious. Not that i dont like tedious Obviously the chowski bros decided it would be easier to just make a melting pot then a revolution.

It's mercy, compassion, and forgiveness I lack; not rationality.

Ka Ching Ka Ching thats the sound money makes. When a certain someone dies, in real life, i actually didnt care. The Matrix has missued death to many times. Eh probly better shes dead. Thats not good. If you kill a main character off the audience should care, a little. Not here, couldnt care less, its gunna be happy in the end, no emotional attachment. And another thing i dont like noing everything is gunna be alright. Thank u the one, always got to win. I hoped for a cool matrixesque ending but no everyone has to be happy.

You go into the arena alone. The lions are hungry for you.

THe final fight was worthy of the matrix. THe only problemo, to much flying. The cg was most prevalent at these times. But unlike the brawl in reloaded the cg is kinda ok. Alot better used than in reloaded. Thank you machines who have human emotions and for some reason all of a sudden have mercy. The ending defies all vulcan logic. Thank u. I did like how the machine collective personifies it self as a big baby, nice touch. Im beggining to think the Wachoski's arent the directors the made themselves out to be in the beggining Maybe it was a fluk. Ill tell you what they are good at though making a lot of money off one idea. And riding that idea to the end of the earth. I doupt this is the last we will here of the matrix. Not if the wachoskis like money and ruining a great movie So all and all this movie is better than most critics will have you believe.Its hurts to think wat will come next. Maybe they will remake the matrix, but this time the whole movie will have a hue of purple. that would be crazy. In all reality its a pretty good film. Its also a pretty big letdown. In conclusion its a good film but i film id rather forget, which does not boad well for its score. Now lets all huddle in a circle and pray the wachowskis know when to stop.
***/*****

Instead of Calendar because im a lazy ass

~For those regarded as warriors, when engaged in combat the vanquishing of thine enemy can be the warrior's only concern. Suppress all human emotion and compassion. Kill whoever stands in thy way, even if that be Lord God, or Buddha himself. This truth lies at the heart of the art of combat. ~
posted by John at 8:35 PM

 
Five*****Star*****Collection
Five Stars of... Scalping Action

Kill Bill: Volume 1
And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

Wunderbar, my friends, wunderbar. This movie was freaking awesome, so much blood so much violence. I mean it had everything. Everything was over the top and thats how i like it, i like it alot. The11 ex-treme gore may put some people off, but not adolescence, oh hell no. Then their were the anime scenes, which were seriously bloody. And pretty fucked up, since they can do a lot more with pen and paper than with people. While in the end you feel a little cheated, but not to much because the amazing fight scene would be hard to top in the last half. Definitely felt like a whole movie, but i want to see the rest. This movie is so freaking sweet, i cannot stress this enough. When after the movie is spent reminiscing about the movie its a good movie. Ahh good times. Only one person in the group didnt like this movie. Yeah i dunno about him either. If you don't watch the violence, you wont become desencitized to it.
*****
posted by John at 8:25 PM

 
School of Rock

Disneyland. Fuck, man, this is better than Disneyland.

What a bad name for a movie. Not appealing at all. Personally i thought this movie had crapshot written all over it. Jack Black while hilarious has not had luck with leading roles can i hear a Shallow Hal. And i can think of a movie where jack black was in and wasnt obsessed with rock and or roll... Survey Says the classic... or not so classic but it cost a lot to make... Waterworld. Hey, it was better than the postman. Back to the matters at hand, this movie was swell, or as the populus of Oceania would say doubleplusgood. Well made, good acting, sometimes, certainly hi larious, and good times all round. But not all is well and good in the land of laughs, first of all the "song" wasnt that good. And the guitar player kinda freaked me out. no offence. i like the piano player and the bassist, but come on our we to believe that mr freddie jones learnd to play the drums from being the percussionist in the classical music class. That bugged me. Stupid little things. At least this movie didnt play the sympathy card and for that i give it a big fat gold star
****/*****

October 10th- "Kill Bill: Volume 1" (R)
October 17th- "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (R)
October 24th- "The Runaway Jury" (PG-13)
October 31st- "Alien: Re-Release" (R)
November 5th- "The Matrix Revolutions" (TBA)
posted by John at 9:15 PM

 
Twice is Nice


The Rundown

Come child labor. Kids! I mean kids.

Christopher Walken, i love you. You are hilarious, and i want to have ur children. Now that, that was takin care of let us get to the juicy innards that is this review. The Rock has come back to a mojor motion picture, and i like it. Arnold made a cute, sublineally enhanced with arnold for governor, cameo. But all in all Duane is a good action superstar, partially because has this innocent thing goin for him, also he is rip. Sean William Scott plays himself for another movie, although it didnt seem played out like American Pie 3. A low point was the dissapointing reliance on Cg, which was in a word sucked. Please make it stop, its not real, and it certainly doesn't look real. The best, by far was the fan directed at the rock when something blew up, hi larious. Towards the end the movie slowed down to a stupper. Blah Blah Blah. The movie is s pretty cliche, but who cares. The movie is hi larious, and i dont think any movie this year will top walkens speech about the tooth fairy, comedic brillance.
***/*****


thirteen

Lucy, I'm hom... LUCY! OH MY GOD!

All i can say is depressing. One that didnt happen to me, and two it did happen to someone. First of all i was thirteen once, and lemme tell you this was not my lifes story. Not at all... okay maybe the two gals getting with the life guard but thats all. Not all depressing though, their was plenty of disturbing images... that stay with you. Holy shit. thats all their is to say about this movie. Its freakin awesome and you need to see it. Easily the Best movie since Better Luck Tomorrow, the includes Matrix and Nemo. Only down side is the movie has some slow parts, but what movie doesnt. Okay one last point, which everyone know all girls do but dont talk about, girls make out... with each other, yes lesbian action. Need i say more. Touche.
****/*****

October 3rd- "The School of Rock" (PG-13)
October 10th- "Kill Bill: Volume 1" (TBA)
October 17th- "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (R)
October 24th- "The Runaway Jury" (PG-13)
October 31st- "Alien: Re-Release" (R)
November 5th- "The Matrix Revolutions" (TBA)
posted by John at 8:44 PM

 
Underworld

WOW! That's 10 pounds of butt in 5 pound butt-capacity pants!

This movie didn't even try. Obviously the plan is to make numerous sequels cause not only did the movie give a little hint at a sequel but it did so many things that just dont make sense. They talk about covens in two scenes without explaining what the are. Numerous references to the past *cough* prequel *cough*. The story has some potential, but it doesn't seem to care. The action will hold your attention only for so long. The ending fight seem, in a word, blows. All that suspense, for this. Stronger than both, my ass. And isn't this movie just subliminaly prepetuating racial sterotypes. It makes me sick. Why cant it be a movie that shows how werewolves and vampires get along, and sing and dance. That would be worth 8.50. Not all is bad though, the action, at times, got me into the movie. Although they did kill off the coolest character in the first 10 minutes, which is a travesty. Umm also .. their was... a few hot chicks... in tight clothing,which is good enough for me. In conclusion i like tight clothing. On Women.
**/*****

September 26th- "The Rundown" (PG-13)
October 3rd- "The School of Rock" (PG-13)
October 10th- "Kill Bill: Volume 1" (TBA)
October 17th- "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (R)
October 24th- "The Runaway Jury" (PG-13)
October 31st- "Alien: Re-Release" (R)
November 5th- "The Matrix Revolutions" (TBA)
posted by John at 8:05 PM

 
The Underworld, man i hope that doesn't suck, Extravaganza

"If not satisfied with this movie, please return unused portion for a full refund."

Boo, football. Next saturday will now be called "a whole lotta movie day" as we have not seen a movie in quite a long time and we need to catch up. And one of the movie's will most likely be Underworld. Which by the way is being sued, for copyright infringment, but thats a different story. This movie is a toss up, it could be the next matrix or the next lxg. Or possible could be so Romeo and Juliet it becomes a chick flick, albeit the latter is unlikely. Obviously this movie is trying to be matrix in a "goth, punk setting", which could work or be a disasster. That misspelling was for kate beckinsale. Roooowwrrrr. The biggest thing this movie has goin for it is leather. But man do those werewolves look kinda cheesy.Most likely gunna be an excess of cg. But if u ask me, and u are, its gunna be hard to be worse than lxg, god knows it will try.
posted by John at 7:39 PM

 
Once more, double the ... something.

Freaky Friday

So, anyway...you can see how this all adds up to a movie.

Not bad Disney, not bad at all. Even more shocking than this movies surprising quality is that it is number 2 in the box office this week, and two spots below it is pirates of the carribean. Im guessing those rich evil people at disney are takin showers with our sweet, sweet money. The sad part is neither of the movies is that great. Although movie was humorous at some points, at others it force fed us with sentimental crap. You know the usual from Disney. While watching this movie you get a weird feeling like you have seen this before, and you have if you have seen a disney movie. All round this movie was well made and even humorus for a good portion, it also helped that Jamie lee Curtis is super hot, o u kno wat im talkin about. One gripe is the music convo in the movie is total bullshit, The White Stripes are a million times better than the good damn vines and hives.
***/*****

The Medallion

Well, I see this movie wastes no precious screen time with a plot!

Man, this is a depression. Jackie Chan should have died after Rumble in the Bronx so this would never of happened and he still would be cool. That jump onto the hovercraft was crazy. All this movie had was a standard issue scream, i remember a different scream for Ahh real monsters. But that scream is not new and is in a lot of things. Off hand i think it was in mk: anihilation. This movie was aware of how bad it was, as shown in the cat noises in the cat fight, which was way to short and left way to much to the imagination, stupid imagination. I like how they never explained why watsons wife could fight or why she had all those weapons. Or maybe they did and i blocked it from my memory because it was unbearble stupid, either way, enjoy. One high point is this movie knew when to quit.
**/*****

September 5th- "The Order" (R)
September 12th- "Matchstick Men" (PG-13)
September 19th- "Underworld" (R)
September 26th- "The Rundown" (PG-13)
October 3rd- "Scary Movie 3" (TBA)
October 10th- "Kill Bill" (TBA)
October 17th- "The Runaway Jury" (PG-13)
October 24th- "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (R)
October 31st- "Alien: Re-Release" (R)
November 5th- "The Matrix Revolutions" (TBA)
posted by John at 9:28 PM

 
Michael Myers vs Dracula
Micheal Myers dominates this fight, he is just to cool. I mean he is like evil incarnate. And he can take a beating, and always seems not to die. Myers just has the better movie, also, that doesn't include the sequel. Dracula however would put up a good fight, but come on how could he bite through that leather mask. He has no way of putting Myers down for the count, and so will get pummeled beyond recongizition, until he turns into a bat and is subsiquently barbequed

Freddy vs Headless Horsemen
I dont really know how this would take place, partly because both the horse and the man are... dead, and so would have trouble dreaming. So Freddy would have to go to the real world, thus taking away his main power and leaving him helpless to Christopher Walken's sweet justice

Leatherface vs Pumpkinhead
This seems obvious, but one small thing complicates it all. I think Jason Lee said it best "I'm a fricken demon" So my Leatherfaced friend's favorite power tool would do little more than delay the inevitable. Also and probaly most importantly, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is being remade by the man, no the legend, no Michael Bay. You may know him from the classic "Pearl Harbor" or maybe the visionary "Bad Boys II"

Widerstand ist Vergeblich
posted by John at 5:59 PM

 
Double "Insert Adjective Here" Action

S.W.A.T

Revenge is mine saithe the lord

What a sweet theme song, very catchy, and also the highlight of the movie. This movie should not have been as entertaining as it was, i mean its a end of summer cop thriller. Those kind of movie are horrid, and yet Swat as disturbingly entertaining, while not original by any means. The action sequences were partly believable, like some one might be able to do that. Might. However, as to be expected, the dialogue, was how do the french say it, craptastical. Poetic Liscence. Patent Pending. Sadly this is one of the better movies i have seen in recent memory.
***/*****

My Boss's Daughter

And you only hit me when you're bored

Golly Gee Whiz. A tour de force of film making splendor. Is not what this movie is, or was even close to. This movie however did show signs of mediocrity, at the beginning. Then bogged itself down with side storys, and with being a bad movie. Seriously who writes these movies, and where can i get in on this action. Its like free money,scribble some ideas about a guy who is a stalker, blah blah blah, close with happy ending. Or mix it up and have the girl be obsesive, and rake in even more money. I wonder if the the romantic comedy writer will ever unionize. Because it seems to me a monkey, albeit a highly skilled primate, or even Woody Allen could write these scripts. That's right i went there.
*/*****

August 29th- "The Medallion" (PG-13)
September 5th- "The Order" (R)
September 12th- "Matchstick Men" (PG-13)
September 19th- "Underworld" (R)
September 26th- "The Rundown" (PG-13)
October 3rd- "Scary Movie 3" (TBA)
October 10th- "Kill Bill" (TBA)
October 17th- "The Runaway Jury" (PG-13)
October 24th- "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (R)
October 31st- "Alien: Re-Release" (R)
November 5th- "The Matrix Revolutions" (TBA)
posted by John at 6:34 PM

 
1st Round

Jason vs Dracula
Hmm battle of the undead, ill have to give this one to the underdog king of the living impaired, Dracula. While he doesn't have the pure strength as his bald headed friend, he is super cool. He has no shadow, thats just tripping. aLso the only way to kill Dracula is a stake in the heart, and Jason isnt much of a stake man. He likes hamburgers, big machete hamburgers.

Freddy vs. Ghostface
Not even a fight, more of a one sided battle. Ghostface doesn't stand a chance. Unless he OD on pep pills, thus taking his own life, Freddy will make him, his bitch for eternity

Chucky vs Pumpkinhead
Go Pumpkinhead, although i have yet to see this demons movie, i have seen a Child play movie. And even i could defeat Chucky, come on its a doll. Colt 45 to the head, and he is down for the count. Hell i bet u could just step on him, maybe play a little soccer with his detached head

Leatherface vs Mrs Voorheis
I dunno Mrs Voorheis, has tenacity, but Leatherface is just plain fucked up. Its a toss up. But if i were a betting man, which i am, i would give it to Leatherface.

Pinhead vs Headless Horseman
No Question, Christopher Walken always wins. Pinhead isn't even cool.
posted by John at 2:20 PM

 
Freddy vs. Jason

Were you born worthless, or did you have to work at it?

Keep the good times rolling. This movie is much better than any of the Jason or Freddy movies i have seen. And their will no doupt be a sequel of some sorts. The movie kept rollin with good action, but man did the acting blow. The girls were obviously cast what their mom's, or their favorite doctor gave them. Mostly the latter. The movie even made a point of the not "upgraded" gal that wanted to get plastic surgery. The movie tried to downplay its story, at one point instead of explaining the situation, the actors opted instead to dance! Good choice, by me. who doesnt love to dance? Obviously, Jason. Needless to say fun times where had by all, some people almost stared to clap, not sure at what though. This movie wont please non-slasher fans, but who the hell doesn't like slashers? In the end the moral of the story is simple, drugs, only drugs, can save you from a horrible fate.
***/*****

August 22nd-"My Boss' Daughter" (PG-13)
August 29th- "The Medallion" (PG-13)
September 5th- "The Order" (R)
September 12th- "Matchstick Men" (PG-13)
September 19th- "Underworld" (R)
September 26th- "The Rundown" (PG-13)
October 3rd- "Scary Movie 3" (TBA)
October 10th- "Kill Bill" (TBA)
October 17th- "The Runaway Jury" (PG-13)
October 24th- "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (R)
October 31st- "Alien: Re-Release" (R)
November 5th- "The Matrix Revolutions" (TBA)
posted by John at 1:07 PM

 
Seabiscuit

I only drank so that the Statue Of Liberty would take her clothes off.

Man this movie was bordering on tedious, all throughout. Long periods of time where nothing happened seem to be the norm. But the action that was there did suffice. The acting was quality, some better than other. Personally i liked the announcer, those sound effects rocked. Now i have nothing against drama, as long as it is interesting. The movie started out slow, picked up some speed where it then climaxed, the only problem is it didnt stop there, no not even a climactic event could stop the biscuit. If this movie wasnt based upon actual events it would have been laughable. But it was based on actual events and is thus an amazing story, albeit a long and tedious one.
***/*****

August 15th-"Freddy vs. Jason" (R)
August 22nd-"My Boss' Daughter" (PG-13)
August 29th- "The Medallion" (PG-13)
September 5th- "The Order" (TBA)
September 12th- "Matchstick Men" (PG-13)
September 19th- "Underworld" (R)
September 26th- "The Rundown" (TBA)
October 3rd- "Scary Movie 3" (TBA)
October 10th- "Kill Bill" (TBA)
October 17th- "The Runaway Jury" (PG-13)
October 24th- "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (R)
October 31st- "Alien: Re-Release" (R)
November 5th- "The Matrix Revolutions" (TBA)
posted by John at 6:13 PM

 
American Wedding

You've never heard of the "Getting Some" clause?

Damn this movie felt like an eternity, and it kept on dragging its feet around important teen problems. Like when a dog eats a ring, or when you have sex with your friends grandma. It treats these serious, serious problems as if they were a joke, and i for one can verify they are no joke. One to many times. And no Shannon Elizabeth, is bad by it self, but no Tara Reid is inexcusable. A few other main cast members were missing but no other biggies. Stifler seemed odd at the start, he didn't seem like the Stifmeister, but he got better as the movie went on. While Wedding was better than American Pie 2, its not even close to the original
**/*****

August 8th-"S.W.A.T." (PG-13)
August 15th-"Freddy vs. Jason" (R)
August 22nd-"My Boss' Daughter" (PG-13)
August 29th- "The Medallion" (PG-13)
September 5th- "The Order" (TBA)
September 12th- "Matchstick Men" (PG-13)
September 19th- "Underworld" (R)
September 26th- "The Rundown" (TBA)
October 3rd- "Scary Movie 3" (TBA)
October 10th- "Kill Bill" (TBA)
October 17th- "The Runaway Jury" (PG-13)
October 24th- "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (R)
October 31st- "Alien: Re-Release" (R)
November 5th- "The Matrix Revolutions" (TBA)
posted by John at 7:32 PM

 
Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over

The real power, the power we have to fight for night and day, is not the power over things, but over men

Lets get one thing straight, this movie was horrid. The acting was horrific, what happened Sly? The story was doubleplus ungood. And the ending was just wrong, a sin against humanity is a understatment. Twas not all superlitively bad though. The highlights include the 3-D glasses, but the 3-D graphics were disapointing. And following the rule that every movie should have Steve Buscemi, Spy Kids had Steve Buscemi. Well this whole movie must have been a glitch, a flaw in the pattern. Never Again
*/*****

Soon-"Seabiscuit" (PG-13)
Sooner-"American Wedding" (R)
August 8th-"S.W.A.T." (PG-13)
August 15th-"Freddy vs. Jason" (R)
August 22nd-"My Boss' Daughter" (PG-13)
August 29th- "The Medallion" (PG-13)
September 5th- "The Order" (TBA)
September 12th- "Matchstick Men" (PG-13)
September 19th- "Underworld" (R)
September 26th- "The Rundown" (TBA)
October 3rd- "Scary Movie 3" (TBA)
October 10th- "Kill Bill" (TBA)
October 17th- "The Runaway Jury" (PG-13)
October 24th- "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (R)
October 31st- "Alien: Re-Release" (R)
November 5th- "The Matrix Revolutions" (TBA)
posted by John at 8:07 PM

 
28 Days Later...

Are you trying to kill me?

Well, are you? Sure it was by chance we saw this one, but we got the short end of the perverbial stick, if you get my drift. For those of you who do not, On July 25th Fox will be releasing a version of this film with a alternate tacked on to the credits, an ending so melodramtic the test group could not handle it. So i ask you, wat kind of chance is that? A haunting portrayal of the actions and subsequent reactions of humans in condition of stress. That stress aptly named "rage", and that stress being found exclusively in the Twilight Zone. Now that would have been cool, a little to cool, so they went for the next best thing, fox. Some of the coolest scene of the movie were of the main character walking in London, which has been deserted, at least as deserted as topless chicks and wee hours in the morning can get you. Although the movie was not particulary scary, it twas entertaining, and then again what is scary today. 28 days never blew me away but it kept my attention the whole way. It was also a little distrubing, but in that good wholesome way. That doesnt even make sense! Or does it?
***/*****

July 25th-"Seabiscuit" (PG-13)
August 1st-"American Wedding" (R)
August 8th-"S.W.A.T." (TBA)
August 15th-"Freddy vs. Jason" (R)
August 22nd-"My Boss' Daughter" (TBA)
August 29th- "Against the Ropes" (PG-13)
September 5th- "The Order" (TBA)
September 12th- "Matchstick Men" (PG-13)
September 19th- "Underworld" (R)
September 26th- "The Rundown" (TBA)
October 3rd- "Scary Movie 3" (TBA)
October 10th- "Kill Bill" (TBA)
October 17th- "The Runaway Jury" (PG-13)
October 24th- "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (R)
October 31st- "Alien: Re-Release" (R)
November 5th- "The Matrix Revolutions" (TBA)
posted by John at 10:12 PM

 
Have you lost your mind? Do you know what you have released upon the unspecting public? DO YOU?

About here was the Bible quotes, but since my computer froze, and im lazy they are no longer

A out of date calendar, chris i thought you were better than that, now to business

The League of Extra-ordinary Gentlemen

One day your uppin's will come

THERE WAS INNUENDO? Where the hell was the innuendo, i usually pick up on those things. Maybe i'm getting old, kinda like Sean Connery. Yea you know you liked that segue, not that stupid segway. Anywho, this movie managed the impossible, it ruined the book Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde for me. How so you ask, first of all they showed us Mr Hyde, and second of all Jekyll was a freakin loser. And why no explaination on how Jekyll happens NOT to be dead, the gave us one for good 'ole Mr. Invisible Man. And then it kinda went downhill. But it wasnt all bad, it had its moments, sure they were few and far between. The beginning is quite entertaining, getting you hopes up. The climax, however is quite stupid and predictable and stupid. But one can not deny the hottness of that vampire chick, rowr that kittens got claws
P.S. It's Hunt's Ketchup now.
**/*****

July 18th-"Bad Boys II" (R)
July 25th-"Seabiscuit" (PG-13)
August 1st-"American Wedding" (R)
August 8th-"S.W.A.T." (TBA)
August 15th-"Freddy vs. Jason" (R)
August 22nd-"My Boss' Daughter" (TBA)
August 29th- "Against the Ropes" (PG-13)
September 5th- "The Order" (TBA)
September 12th- "Matchstick Men" (PG-13)
September 19th- "Underworld" (R)
September 26th- "The Rundown" (TBA)
October 3rd- "Scary Movie 3" (TBA)
October 10th- "Kill Bill" (TBA)
October 17th- "The Runaway Jury" (PG-13)
October 24th- "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (R)
October 31st- "Alien: Re-Release" (R)
November 5th- "The Matrix Revolutions" (TBA)
posted by John at 7:52 PM

 
The Movies 4 Spectac-u-lar II


Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Whatever, I spell it how i want.

Disney has finally given up on originality. In a downword spiral of unbridaled joy, or is it a upward spiral of unrelenting despair? Nevertheless, is quite possible the coolest word... moving on, Orlando Bloom isnt that cool when he is not a elf. Johnny Depp however is always cool, and he had to carry the movie the whole way, with occasional breaks letting the monkey take the load. Boy do i love monkeys, and there are not even close to enough of them in show business. The monkeys need to unionize and go on strike, and of course sue. Enough about monkey rights, back to the movie...hmm...ok lets just make fun of disney. Do they really have to rip of all the old movies, cough tron cough. And i cant wait for Haunted Mansion, lets just say it will be spooktacular. Laugh out loud, i kid because i love, to kid. All im sayin is i cant wait for Its a Small World.
**/*****
posted by John at 10:47 PM

 
The Movies 4 Spectac-u-lar


Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Its my body, I do what i want

Good Times, let'em roll. Its been a long time, some would say not long enough, but i dont listen to those people. Stupid people in my head, never shutting up. Oh wait stratch that last...ummm... to the movie. Entertaining, Hi-larious, Impressive, Gubernatorial, these are some of the adjectives placed beside T3, but not me i like to go with the classic... pressure-treated, treated with chemicals applied under pressure to reduce such problems as insect infestation, decay, and rotting. Now i know what your thinking, john thats just a random word you look up in a dictionary with no relevance to T3 at all. And you would be right. But there not much to say about T3 except that it wasnt as good as its predessors. First of all the new John Conner is no Edward Furlong, or for that matter he is certainly no unborn child either. The CG may be better than the first 2 but the villain doesnt match up to that one guy or arnold. Dont get me wrong, Claire Danes is hott, and maybe the hottest of the terminators, but that a matter of opinion. While the end result was entertaining, the preching in the beginning got old fast. But mix in with some top notch action. Stir. Add a dash of Arnold. Enjoy. But who can forget the stop-motion animation, or should i say lack their of.
***/*****
posted by John at 3:39 PM

 
A Calender in Review

We're Cyanide, a loving tribute to Poison.

Since the old calender is dead and long forgotten, but still i have ranked the movies in their respective order. Mmm order


(24)-Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd-*- Wat Happened? Was this the worst? Sure as hell looks like it.

(23)-Down with Love-*- While one of the worst movies i have seen, it doesnt compare to the classics.

(22)-Alex & Emma-*- Sadly, this movie had no potential and went no where, at lest it had a happy ending?

(21)-The Hunted-**- Tommy Lee Jones as in Rambo VI: How Do We Think Of This Crap

(20)-Tears of the Sun-**- Tone it down a little with the music thank you.

(19)-Anger Management-**- LOL good time, o sorry i was just remembering when i made fun of this movie the first time. Ahh memories

(18)-Bruce Almighty-**- Reiterating what every one already knows, Jim Carrey could kicks Adam Sandlers ass

(17)-The Italian Job-**- Where did we go wrong Marky Mark

(16)-The Recruit-**- Colin Farrell needs to get and keep a day job

(15)-Dreamcatcher-**- Mmm the alien was *special*. And y do all brits hate *special* people. stupid brits

(14)-Hulk-**- Who doesnt like tight pants? That poodle still cracks me up.

(13)-Hollywood Homicide-***- Dont get me wrong, that ford guy is aged to perfection

(12)-House of 1000 Corpses-***- Funniest movie on the list. period.

(11)-Gods and Generals-***- MARTIN, dont leave me, i am scared of the dark. Oh my, do i love intermission

(10)-Piglet's Big Movie-***- Oh my, do i love little pink pig-like animals being mistreated by his so called friends only to learn a lesson in the end.

(9)-Phone Booth-***- Have you ever thought about making this movie reality? God knows i've tried

(8)-X²: X Men United-***- More Shadowcat and this movie would have everything

(7)-Holes-***- Put in a little disney and stir

(6)-Spider-****- Boy this taught me a profound life lesson. Always put things in a sock and hide the sock in your groin. Thank You

(5)-Identity-****- Scariest movie on the list, also John Cusack is a hottie

(4)-A Mighty Wind-****- The hijinks and hialrity continue, but i dont want to be there when the laughter stops

(3)-The Matrix: Reloaded-****- Matrix-a-tastic, but wheres the nudity?

(2)-Finding Nemo-****- Its a fact. I am addicted to fish, and not in that good wholesome way

And the movie that wins the award for... Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence

(1)-Better Luck Tomorrow-*****- Everything one could ask for, and a side of Jones soda.
posted by John at 2:25 PM

 
Alex & Emma

Don't leave me with the Germans!

Wooo this movie set surprised the hell out of me... yea it sucked, but surprisingly so. Its a known fact that Luke Wilson is a hottie and well Kate Hudson didnt exactly get the gift of good looks, if you know wat i mean. I dunno wat it is but man, i hated this movie. Wow, how many times can producers produce the same movie. Too many. Well, looking back i realize that although sappy, unrealistical, and flat out boring, this movie actually had a lot of jokes. None of which were funny. At all. In any respect. To any one. And dont get me started on the quote unquote brillant dialogue. Now i bet your asking, John when are you going to talk about the good? Well here it is... against all odds... IT ENDED.
*/*****
posted by John at 8:52 PM

 
Hulk

And he liked green just like Bill Bixby

Why couldn't they just wait another few years. It could have been sooo much better. Hulk was looked so out of place, especially when he was transforming. Case in point, it seems that in movies everything looks better when it gets dirty, ie Tears of the Sun, the Hulk fits in better when he got down and dirty. Was is just me or was Hulk amazingly light on his feet? I know he can jump 3 miles yadda yadda, but wouldnt he make a little impact when he landed? Now if you can except that a man, despite all the laws of thermodynamics, can turn into a giant green monster and then turn back, i think u can except a pair of pants that can expand and contract, unless u would rather see Hulk run around naked or banner for that matter. I DO NOT LIKE THOSE STUPID SPLIT SCREENS. I am watching a movie not a comic book, why dont you just put bubble words too, so its authentic. Ang Lee wanted you to like the Hulk, but that wasnt happening. He wasnt a likable guy, you cant cheer for the hulk, only jeer. I believe a meanacing diabolical hulk would have worked better. And another thing banner has a whole lotta control over the Hulk, scary amount. In conclusion, better than Daredevil but wasnt as true to the comics as other comic book movies.
**/*****

July 11th-"The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" (PG-13)
July 18th-"Bad Boys II" (TBA)
July 25th-"Seabiscuit" (TBA)
August 1st-"American Wedding" (TBA)
August 8th-"Matchstick Men" (TBA)
August 15th-"Freddy vs. Jason" (TBA)
August 22nd-"My Boss' Daughter" (TBA)
August 29th- "Highwaymen" (TBA)
September 5th- "The Order" (TBA)
September 12th- "Once Upon a Time in Mexico" (TBA)
September 19th- "Underworld" (TBA)
September 26th- "Secondhand Lions" (TBA)
October 3rd- "Scary Movie 3" (TBA)
October 10th- "Kill Bill" (TBA)
October 17th- "The Runaway Jury" (TBA)
October 24th- "The Whole Ten Yards" (TBA)
October 31st- "Alien: Re-Release" (R)
November 5th- "The Matrix Revolutions" (TBA)
November 7th- "Jersey Girl" (TBA)
posted by John at 10:41 AM

 
Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd

I just figured she was a raging alcoholic!

Hmm, not much to say about this movie except it is a poor substitute to the original. It felt like i was watching a bad remake of the original, kinda like Italian Job. The jokes were sometimes smirk worthy, and sometimes the made you think about the condition of the world, and most of the time they were not funny. The Jim Carrey replacement did a good job recreating, and looked a little to much like Jim. The other guy wasnt half bad either, but the writing was horendous, it was like dan's handwriting, impossible to cheat off of. Some of the highlights were the 7-11 store guy, and Harry's mom hitting on Lloyd, dont take that tone with me young man. Other than that it was mediocre at best...remember...that John Denver is full of shit, man. And i called u Krach. Hmm i wonder if this movie is worse then The Phantom Menace, and thus making it the worst sequel ever. Its close.
*/*****

June 20th-"The Hulk" (PG-13)
posted by John at 4:11 PM

 
Interesting! No, wait. The other thing. Tedious.

NOOOOOOOO, that is depressing. What is the point of goin to cedar point without top thrill wats it called. Yea could they think of a more uncool theme, i think not, unless it was Genuine Mexican Plug. Damn u Mark Twain. But still i was looking forward to 5 seconds of pure... somthing, something. And dan every knows Alf is from Melmak.

On to thee Feture Presentation...

Wicked Twister- Fun, but the line is not worth the ride, at least last year
***/*****
Power Tower- As Mr Venos put it "There is no need to feel like that for more than 2 seconds"
**/*****
Raptor- One of the best at Cedar Point, though always closed
****/*****
Magnum whatever- Fun all around, not as much fun in the rain. WOOO short line.
****/*****
Millenium Force- Eh, it delivers wat it promises. Line always too long
***/*****
Gemini- Not very fun, at all...
**/*****
Iron Dragon- First hill is 99% of the ride time
*/*****
Mean Streak- Good ole' woody
***/*****
Blue Streak- Depressing
**/*****
Mantis- Its that good kinda pain
****/*****
The Swings- GREATEST THING ever, the only reason Cedar Point is still around
*****/*****

Chris, of couse ill be labeled a queer, the question is wat hat this year?
posted by John at 3:17 PM

 
ishka spelt ninja wrong. geeze, he has no rrom to review nemore, enough sed. im out.




















just kidding ok lets talk about sumthing important, like Italian job, considering my "friends" were too rude to invite me to hollywood homicide.
I.J. was a sweet movie, action adventure, hot chicks, and even people jumping off of walls, oh wait that last one was steve post-movie expierience :). Anyways, some of the stuff they did was far fetched, such as having programs which were able to draw perfect diagrams of rooms and other item just by viewing video or other media standards. When i think I.J. i think Ocean's 11 and bourne identity chase scene combined= SWEET

my grade $$$$/$$$$$
posted by the pope at 8:31 PM

 
Hollywood Homicide

The two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened by change.

And guess whos the elephant. Good times, before the movie we all wished it was Dollywood Homicide, ok mayb just me. Hartnett is a lot better astor then some of the previous actors in previous movies, cough marky mark cough. Harrison was his normal heroic self. Wait, I'm confused about the movie. So the cops knew that internal affairs were setting them up? Oh sorry, you see when I get bored I make up my own movie. I have a very short attention span. Which is was a problem with this movie it slooowed down in the middle, but other wise a good effort, to a movie that easily could have been total crap. Oh, look! A bird!
***/*****

What the hell am i trying to say?

June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (PG-13)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (PG-13)
posted by John at 7:16 PM

 
The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.

One Hundred posts and counting.

Lets start at the beginning, with the first ever calender, which is consequently the first ever post.
~"Wednesday, February 26, 2003

February 28th-"Gods & Generals" (PG-13)
March 7th-"Tears of the Sun" (R)
March 14th-"The Hunted" (R)
March 21st-"Dreamcatcher" (TBA)
March 28th-"The Core" (PG-13)
April 4th-"Ripley's Game" (R)
April 11th-"Anger Management" (PG-13 )
April 18th-"Holes" (PG)
April 25th-"Identity" (R)
May 2nd-"X²" (TBA)
May 9th-"The Lizzie McGuire Movie" (R)
May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (TBA)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (TBA)
May 30th-"The Italian Job" (TBA)
June 6th-"Master & Commander: Far Side of the World" (TBA)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA) "

Ah memories, horrible horrible memories let us never peak of some of those movies again. But the first review, that was something special, and it was also super short. Where did we go wrong?

~"Without Martin Sheen it felt like it was missing something, most notably Martin Sheen."

As true today, as it was when it was written. And then it all changed, chris came...

~"hey its the Bibblemiester
Looking Forward to May... X2,Lizzie, matrix, Brucey.. its gonna be awesome"

And it all went down hill from there, what was i thinking? Any ways here is the collection of swimfan, our favorite moive, to make fun of.

~"This is not a typo >NO STARS<"
~"Possibly my worst decision in my life"
~"The Worst Movie Of 2002
And The Phoby goes to... Swimfan nuff said"
~"AND THE FINAL AWARD FOR TONIGHT
The "I'd rather be going out with one of Justins girlfriends" award
And the Phoby goes to "Swimfan" for actually being THAT bad.......it really makes ya think"

But it was all fun and games until someone gets hurt

~"sorry guys, i actually liked this movie a lot, it was romantic and thrilling, i am tired of making fun of it, i really liked it."

WHAT?!? You've changed dan, it's like ur a different person.

~"HAHA OK SORRY I COULDNT KEEP TYPIN THAT BULL SHIT ANY LONGER"

Oh, Laugh Out Loud, you got me for a sec. Back to business, this next clip is what i feel is the best material this blog ever produced, that's kinda sad.

~"Worst Acting In A Feature Film
And The Phoby goes to... Hayden Christensen for his great work in Star Wars II, hopefully the replace him digitaly with a lamppost in Star Wars Episode III"
~"The That Remind Me of Kelly Award
And The Phoby goes to... Erika Christensen as Madison Bell for stalking.
Honorable Mention... That Whore in Gangs of New York (no shirt on)"

And then the Recruit came, and all the fun stopped, abruptly if i might add.

~"and definitally not have pants thrown at me like so much stale confetti"

And then the first and last idea we all agreed on, the fine ladies.

~"Also that chick was hot, and she got hotter as she got dirtier, culminating in her hottest moment at the end."
~"I loved how they kept it raining so her shirt would stay wet and how her shirt kept losing buttons."
~"It was a beautiful cinematic achievement."

Then there were 5 stars...

~"Schei?e" (stupid new version of blog)
~"Answering The Questions of Life, That Nobody Asked."
~"In conclusion this movie change my life, and it did it in spanish"
~"i practically died that day"
~"I think this some it up best, 'But i like it!'"
~so in conclusion, always give into peer pressure."
~"In conclusion, if a man offer you a ride in his car, i say take it."

Boy i make a lot of conclusion. Eh what are u goin to do. This next clip needs no intorduction, cause i dont feel like giving it one

~"There i was in the jungle of Cambodia"
~"Finally, and sadly, there were libral views expressed"

That was The Hunted for those of you unedumacated folk. MMM Dreams...

~"...was one race of aliens retarded and the other british or was i mistaken"
~"but I think they overdid it this time."

Up next the movie event of the century, or mabe even... the decade.

~"but we all know if the movie was called "Piglet's Goes Postal Ft. P to the Ooh" everyone would see it"
~"IF YOU SEE IT AND DONT LIKE IT, ITS COMMON FACT YOU ARE A HOMOSEXUAL"
~"I'm choosing to not watch such a GOOD movie"

It seems like two of us couldnt get enough, and one was intimidated by its amazingness. Then the phone rang...

~"BORING is not the right word"
~"The ending could have been handled much better"
~"the prostitute looking exactly like kelly"

but no on was there and i was like where is everyone, so we went to see spider.

~"It was too artsy though."
~"'And that bitch is slippin' to quote Ice Cube"
~"way to much symbolism in my book"

I think a circle is to much symbolism, but thats just me and my loathing of circularobjects. And the debate continues, y do we go to bham

~"It depends on what you like at the movies.....eardrum-piercing, often offensive adolescent screaming....or possible gang violence? You decide."

Ill decide u, umm segue?

~"But in the end it all boils down to... never trust a squirrel."
~"the movie was stupid....TO THE MAX"

But not to the MAX TO THE EXTREME. No that would be silly, just like our next flick HOLES. Lets start with something you may not have caught the first time around, i assure u its real.

~"Really liked the book, one of my all time favorite children's books along with Karl Marx and Frederick Engel's Manifesto Of The Communist Party"
~"it still was missing something..."
~"my guess is they weren't PC enough for Disney....ooo well."

Good times, but those good vibrations did not last long, because we say the movie no noe wanted to see. And it made me Angry.

~"This movie was a joke, and not a funny one"
~"I'm not gonna fall for that 'it was all a joke'"

Weird collabration on that one. It makes you think about y we say that movie, Than dan turned 16 and went on a binge-drug-party-orgy. Or as i like to call it we saw a movie.

~"I guess its a case of selective recall."
~"I still don't get it."

Better Luck Tomorrow rocked but as you will see some people wanted more.

~"there was no Kung-fu"
~"this movie did everything for me."

Are next clip is a much need thank u to chris, for not writing a preview to City of GOd, and thus upsetting the movie gods.

~"Thank you chris."

Who doesnt like lesbian? No one!

~"'cause nobody cares about Wisconsin, at all."
~"Where did Lizzie Maguire go on the calendar?!?!"
~"But other than that...perfect."

Yea that one didnt make a lick of sense at all. Hopefully this next one will, but dont get your hopes up. I am proud to present A Mighty Wind.

~"I guess i should stop writing before i get in some kind of trouble, with some kind of government agency."

And now a collection of post by people who dont stay long...

~"this is ishka's sister"
~"posted by the pope at 9:54 PM"
~"I am Kaz most will say that my ideas are crap"

Well kaz had his facts staright, and now a public service anouncement.

~"All i want is for people to make "G" movies again"

And i got my wish, but dan is a weird guy, as demonstrated by...

~"THE GREAT DEBATE"
~"James: FOLKS, THIS IS TOTAL CHAOS...NO ROO NO!!!!!"

And now a proverb...cause i like proverbs...

~"Chris is not a Communist... he may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist... but he is *not* a porn star!"

So tru. Its a fact that Down with Love was crap and how do i kno this u ask, well look right here...

~"Oh my, that wasn't right"

Without hurther adieu, the rattleing on about Matrix

~"well I can tell you now they're dead wrong"
~"The critics were not dead wrong"
~"maybe I have a thing for mutants."
~"whole kennu ass thing"
~"I got a weird thing for girls who say "aboot." "
~"it was entertaining"

Keanu, i think i love... whoa didnt kno... crap... cut to Bruce cut.

~"This movies isnt nearly as funny as it should have been, could have been, or thinks it is."
~"But the movie could have been better"

Full circle here is the new calender

~"July 11th-"The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" (PG-13)
July 18th-"Bad Boys II" (TBA)
July 25th-"Exorcist: The Beginning" (TBA)
August 1st-"American Wedding" (TBA)
August 8th-"S.W.A.T." (TBA)
August 15th-"Freddy vs. Jason" (TBA)
August 22nd-"My Boss' Daughter" (TBA)
August 29th- "Highwaymen" (TBA)
September 5th- "Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star" (TBA)
September 12th- "Cabin Fever" (TBA)
September 19th- "Underworld" (TBA)
September 26th- "Secondhand Lions" (TBA)
October 3rd- "Scary Movie 3" (TBA)
October 10th- "Kill Bill" (TBA)
October 17th- "The Runaway Jury" (TBA)
October 24th- "Bad Santa" (TBA)
October 31st- "Alien: Re-Release" (R)
November 5th- "The Matrix Revolutions" (TBA)
November 7th- "Jersey Girl" (TBA)"

Mmm, now here is dan again in with his ironic hypocritical statements

~"real men don't take vacations"
~"i take vacations"

We end this journey on a high note, maybe the best movie to have jellyfish in it... thats right Finding Nemo

~"G-Larious"
~"orgasmic"

Until the next one hundred, The Internet has given everybody in America a voice. For some reason, everybody decides to use that voice to bitch about movies.
posted by John at 12:07 PM

 
The Italian Job

So it's smooth sailin' from here.

Very typical, cliche and entertaining. This movie is non stop action sequences, with small hit or miss jokes spilced in between. The action will keep your attention, but remember not to think about the movie. It just doesn't make that much sense when you examine it. And dont expect great acting, were talking about Marky Mark here, yea their's not much to say about him. Execpt he should have never quit the rap scene. There was nothing in this movie that set it apart from any other heist movie, except other movies did it better. Sadly the highlight of this movie was... Spider-Man in his film debut, it good to see the real Spider-Man on the silver screen. Stupid Tobey Mcguire, stealing all his publicity. So always remember, "You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!"
**/*****

June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (PG-13)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (PG-13)
posted by John at 12:00 PM

 
Five*****Star*****Collection
Racism, Bigotry and a Moral all in one.

American History X
I'm the most dangerous man in this prison. You know why? 'Cause I control the underwear.

Wow, its been awhile, a long while. Lets get on with the reviewing, this is Edward Norton at his best, and he portrayes a skinhead in a very, scary, realistic manner. Edward Furlong also rocks the kaz-bot but a little less than Mr Norton, but its all in good fun. Now this movie is all about racism, and has a serious moral message at the end, if you make it that far. My mom said and i quote "This is the worst thing i have ever seen" Strong words. American History X is quite graphic in in description of racism, and consequently quite honest. Its also quite graphic in men being raped in prison, but thats a different story all together, or is it? Moving on, if your going to watch the beginning, make sure you stay till the end, or the movie will seem like a pointless portraying of violence, which may or may not be okay with you. In conclusion, if a man offer you a ride in his car, i say take it.
*****
posted by John at 6:35 PM

 
Finding Nemo

You've got serious thrill issues dude.

G-Larious. Is the only word that can describe Fiinding Nemo's hilarity and it all ages G rating. There's not much to say about Finding Nemo, except that is was quality. Pixar knows what they are doing. The Ocean was pulled off amazingly, it just felt right. And the actions of real fish are intertwined in the plot, like the clown fish going back into their anemitie multiple time, good stuff. And how clown fish aren't actually funny, little known fact. Pity. The jokes kept coming, and almost all of them were funny. Even though it was geared toward the youngins i certainly enjoyed myself. Ranked with Pixars other works, it is better than A Bug's Life and Monsters Inc. and on par with Toy Story 2, but it cant beat the classic Toy Story, that movie rocked is hizzous. AA for fish eaters, where do they come up with this.
****/*****

June 6th-"The Italian Job" (PG-13)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (PG-13)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (PG-13)
posted by John at 5:39 PM

 
On Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia's three months aniversary, i am proud to reveal the new transendent calendar!

Most movies on the calendar probably wont be seen or wont be seen when their currently schedueled. Most movies i have never heard of and might be crap, but the sure as hell somehow made the list. I ended the list with the the movie i want to see the most. And if u look closely there is a two week gap between calendars, summer vacation baby.

Without further adeiu, the groin-grabbingly transendent calender!!

July 11th-"The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" (PG-13)
July 18th-"Bad Boys II" (TBA)
July 25th-"Exorcist: The Beginning" (TBA)
August 1st-"American Wedding" (TBA)
August 8th-"S.W.A.T." (TBA)
August 15th-"Freddy vs. Jason" (TBA)
August 22nd-"My Boss' Daughter" (TBA)
August 29th- "Highwaymen" (TBA)
September 5th- "Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star" (TBA)
September 12th- "Cabin Fever" (TBA)
September 19th- "Underworld" (TBA)
September 26th- "Secondhand Lions" (TBA)
October 3rd- "Scary Movie 3" (TBA)
October 10th- "Kill Bill" (TBA)
October 17th- "The Runaway Jury" (TBA)
October 24th- "Bad Santa" (TBA)
October 31st- "Alien: Re-Release" (R)
November 5th- "The Matrix Revolutions" (TBA)
November 7th- "Jersey Girl" (TBA)
posted by John at 7:48 PM

 
Bruce Almighty

The hell with this. Let's go back to the station house, and cornhole us a drunk

The first 5 minutes of this movie, was by far the best part of Bruce Almighty. Which in itself is kinda sad. The jokes just weren't that funny, they produced snickers, but not tear's, the tear's of laughter. I can honestly say i laughed harder during Piglet's Big Movie, than this. When are people going to learn we dont go to movies for some sappy moral struggle, we go for entertainment. It was way to predictable, it felt like i had already seen this movie. It kept my attention but just barely. What he did with his powers could have been... oh wat could have been. This movies isnt nearly as funny as it should have been, could have been, or thinks it is.
**/*****

And on that note, we cue the music.

May 30th-"Finding Nemo" (G)
June 6th-Party (NC-17)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)
posted by John at 4:51 PM

 
The Matrix: Reloaded Part III

Ignorance is bliss.

I love the idea behind the Matrix, its distubingly erotic, or as the dan would say, Xotica. The story is titly nit, with only a few holes. The characters are more than 2 dimensional, and they are okayily(okay-e-ly) acted, some better than others. Morpheus, definatly the coolest, gets a lot more screen time this time around. Agent Smith happily returns, in a great multitude, fighting with no chance of victory or defeat, the way it was meant to be.

Which brings me to the fighting, long and entertaining. Just how i like it. I good portion of Reloaded are fighting scenes, no complaints here. The fights had a surpirsing amount of variety for their length, and just kept goin. If they where in the Matrix, they were either fighting or about to start a fight.

Merovigian, one of the highlights of the movie, he reminded me of a James Bond villain, like Goldfinger or Dr. No. He was just cool, and he was a playa, with one hot wife hoe girl friend. Yea u kno who i am talking about, Persaphone. I love the ancient rome throw back Merovigian dynasty any one? Finally school has a purpose.

Speaking of Persaphone, if those busoms weren't heaving than i dont know wat is. Rowwwwwr! And let me tell u those things were ample, oh so ample. And did u see wat she was wearing, yea i didnt either. But this movie was not without its cool costumes. Although Neo's could have been better, Morpheus' suit more than made up for that. He is bordering on being dangerously cool. Bordering?

The twins were quite slick themselves, styling some dreadlocks right out of the 90s and some suits right out of tomorrow. Their little trick was probably the best computer graphics part of the movie, that shit was grooovy, The extra o is for oorginal. Sadly they had to die, although their death was pretty cool, lets have a moment of silence... okay i promised myself i would cry.

If you wonder y i said so much bad about Reloaded, it is because it was not perfect and you cant just act like its faults aren't real. The first step is admitting you have a problem, it is also consequently, the last step

Now although this movie didn't live up to my expections, it was entertaining. The only time i looked at my watch. Was to make sire the movie was about to end. Which i didnt want it to. As the Matrix's sequel it derserves 3 stars but as a movie unto itself it gets the big...
****/*****

May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (PG-13)
May 30th-"Finding Nemo" (G)
June 6th-Party (NC-17)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)
posted by John at 6:28 PM

 
The Matrix: Reloaded Part II

I got a weird thing for girls who say "aboot."

The fighting, was for me not as fufiling as the fights in the original. The use of extreme amounts of CG animation, definatly did not help. It was way too obvious. The worst case of this was the Smith vs Neo battle. If you look at the Smithes faces, they look kinda weird at some points. Neo, when computerized, was way to obvious and could easily be pointed out. I have no issues with CG graphics, their is just a time and a place for it. CG is allowing directors to be less creative and giving them a an easy way out. CG is used way to much these days, wait a few years guys, it will be better then *cough* hulk *cough*

Zion didnt seem right to me. But this is a matter of preference, i always pictured Zion, as i dunno different. I am not saying it was not done well, i just didn't like it. The party scene could and should have been cut from this movie, it served no purpose. Couldnt that time be better spent.

There is something more fufilling about watching the good guys struggle, then watching them dominate. Call me old fashion but when did everyone else become good at fighting? The agents, supposidly upgraded, stuggle killing Morpheus? Wasn't morpheus made Agent Smith's bitch in the first one. The agents lost their alure, they are no longer the feared soldiers of the matrix, they are the walking jokes that get defeated at every turn.

The twins were gipped, they were promising. Probably the best new characters in the Matrix were killed off too early and too easily. Which brings me to my final point, the ending. I didn't like it, not defined well enough. Not enough climax, just kind of ended, like ummm thats it come back in 6 months. I dont care if it was the second of three, stop making excuses for this movie

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses.

To be Concluded?
posted by John at 6:09 PM

 
The Matrix: Reloaded

That is the sound of inevitability.

The critics were not dead wrong, Chris, not by a long shot. This movie was under my expectations, way under. Maybe my expectations were to high, maybe i was foolish for thinking they could pull off the impossible, or maybe just maybe Chris' expectations were to low.

I expected to be blown away, to see the world in a different light, to expand my horizons. I wanted a revolution. I recieved none. In retrospect this was naive and foolish, miracles don't happen. Nothing short of God himself could have satisfied my appetite for entertainment. And Reloaded fars well short of the almighty.

My colleagues it seems walked into this movie quite the opposite. Anything done in this movie would most definetaly be good. Im not saying they're wrong, but i am saying they are exagerating the Matrix's goodness. This is not the end all, be all of movies in the 21st century. This will not revolutionize movies, like the first one did.

Following in the footsteps of the first movie, is not fair. The original changed the way movies will be made for some time. Scifi will never be the same. Lets not forget what made it good though, the story. The style was an addition, not the center of the movie. Forever it will live, through parodies, when we are old men we will get questions about it.

I wanted to much...

To be Continued?
posted by John at 4:41 PM

 
Down with Love

If you see 100 movies this year, make sure this isn't one of them.

Oh my, that wasn't right. Where was the singing and the dancing and the what not and the tomfoolery, won't somebody think about the tomfoolery. If you didn't know, this movie is not a musical, i kno i was surprised too. There is absolutly no chemistry between ewan and renee, and what the hell where the wearing!?! The sexual inuendo was not funny, although that was all the movie had going for it. This movie made me sexist i think. It constantly portrayed women as annoying (fill in the blank) in the work place and then when they finally make it the women produced these bull shit remarks about the patriarchal society had it in for them. Give me a freaking break. It's in "Revelations", people! Down with love my ass, in the end the catcher was right all along, at least in the movie he was. Oh yea the story sucked also. In the immortal words of Banky Edwards "All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin'."
*/*****

May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (R)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (PG-13)
May 30th-"Finding Nemo" (G)
June 6th-Party (NC-17)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)
posted by John at 11:42 AM

 
No Calendar make John go... something something.

May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (R)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (PG-13)
May 30th-"Finding Nemo" (G)
June 6th-Party (NC-17)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)

Chris is not a Communist... he may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist... but he is *not* a porn star!

All in good natured fun.
posted by John at 8:28 PM

 
PLEASE NOTE: UPTOWN ENTERTAINMENT REQUIRES ID TO PURCHASE TICKETS FOR ALL "G" RATED FILMS

That ill be the day. Whatever happened to these lovable general admission teddy bears of movies? Why have the become the zima of the 90s. It wasn't always like this, there once was a day when "R" was unheard of ans "G" was risky enough.

I have been watching a few "classics" recently, and most of are rated my favorite letter is the alpahbet, G. Now these aren't Disney animated cartoony fluff, these are live action movies with naked men running, swimming, and every now and then jumping. Now i know what your thinking, where are these naked men and how can i join them. Maybe its just me or has MPAA changed it standards, a little.

"G" movies just don't get made any more, and if they do their put out as PG or PG-13 movies. Lizzie McGuire, i would like to know what made that PG besides the almighty dollar. Hopefully Finding Nemo will gracefully accept the "G". Finding Nemo looks to be one of the best movies this year, yes better than, fill in the blank.

Old "G" movies were just as bad as some of today's PG-13 movies, and PG-13 movies always hold back a little to prevent getting the dreaded R. I would agrue that nudity is a pretty much R only tomfoolery. Adult Themes my ass. PG is a joke, it shouldn't be a rating. I have not seen one movie that i thought should be PG and not "G".

All i want is for people to make "G" movies again, o how i love thee. Any ways if you haven't noticed i stoped doing 5 Star Collection because it was getting to hard to think of good movies. Although every once and awhile ill add a member. And remember "Did you have pants on, when you made it big?"
posted by John at 5:01 PM

 
why hello fellow bloggers, first post up right now, if u know who i am talk to me at school tommorow, lol invite me to ur party chris, ill review stuff when i feel like it, but until then ill make fun of people, like that short hairy guy running the 400 at track today...........
posted by the pope at 9:54 PM

 
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: The Tip of the Apex

Whoa! Chris what happened to you. You've changed man. That review of X2 was sub-par at best. And batman has a point, you certainly like stealing things. Is their an original idea in that red head of yours. Anyways here's the real problem batman is a little to good to go to the movies on Friday's. Friday or Saturday, were going ViP for sure, no questions asked. Matrix has the huge possibility of being the biggest disapointment since sliced bread. I am a little worried. The Hulk however most certainly will be crap. It's just sad. How could they screw up the Hulk's look so bad. Bruce Almighty, will it be the next Cable Guy, or the next Dumb and Dumber. If you haven't guessed i dont have high hopes for this movie either. As for Finding Nemo though, i think it may be the greatest thing since... the nickel. How i love the nickel. Hollywood Homicide most likely will have a predictable story but you never know. You may have noticed Italian Job has been stricken from the calender. This is because Edward Norton, the only reason i wanted to see the movie, said it was crap. i think i said it best "goddamn u chuck". Its almost poetry, almost.
posted by John at 7:10 PM

 
A Mighty Wind

But if you put him in a cell with a long hose on him, he'd make a lot of friends in the locker room.

Hi Larious. This was a chuckle full of laughs, and then some. Its pretty safe to say this is the funniest movie i have seen this year. A Mighty Wind follows the reunion of a few folk bands, doing a tribute concert for a dead folk promoter. One of the funniest moments however was the descirption of one ladies rise to fame. In quote unquote "short films", one of them being " Not So Tiny Tim", if you get my drift. Hmm, thats strangely arousing. Moving On, the folk music wasn't half bad, it wasnt half good either, but it was all folk, baby. There's something about folk music that makes you just want to go on a killing spree so maybe just maybe, if God is just, you'll kill everyone who buys that stuff. Yep all 3 people who buy that stuff. But if folk music's your bag, watch your back, or you'll never know when someone is like standing behind you or something. I guess i should stop writing before i get in some kind of trouble, with some kind of government agency.
****/*****

May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (R)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (PG-13)
May 30th-"Finding Nemo" (TBA)
June 6th-Party (NC-17)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)
posted by John at 8:34 PM

 
X²: X Men United

We love what you've done with you're hair.

An improvement, yes. A disapointment, a little. I guess i just wanted more from this movie, if your going to make a movie about the x-men why dont you put some of them in it? This movie was less a wolverine-centric movie and gave a love to other cast members. Cyclops, barely was in the movie beside the first and last seen, which was a little disapointing, because he is like cool and stuff. Nightcrawler was done right, and his german accent stole the show. Colossus had one scene with his powers, hopefully he will be a main character in the next installment. Beast again got the short end of the stick. Pyro was one of the best characters in the movie, that damn optical illusion. Did any one else find it wierd they never called Yuriko Oyama, Lady Deathstrike? This movie was, if you think about it, a lot like the first one in terms of plot. Why does the whole free world have to be on the line, why not just like Wisconsin. Then the good guys wouldn't even have to win, 'cause nobody cares about Wisconsin, at all.
***/*****

May 9th-"A Mighty Wind" (PG-13)
May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (R)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (TBA)
May 30th-"The Italian Job" (TBA)
June 6th-Party (NC-17)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)
posted by John at 7:35 PM

 
My two nickels and a penny, and the amazing... calendar!

You provide the Ewww's and Ahhh's

May 2nd-"X²" (PG-13)
May 9th-"The Lizzie McGuire Movie" (R)
May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (R)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (TBA)
May 30th-"The Italian Job" (TBA)
June 6th-Party (NC-17)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)

Toad? Not a big Loss? Are you on freaking cocaine. Toad made x-men to the first what it is today. Okay moving on, lets get something straight, shadowcat is mighty hot, purrrrr, oops i mean rowwwwwr. Yeah thats the one. Batman(dan) you need to get your facts straight, like who's cool and who's not. And Chris you love Fox a little to much if you know what i mean. Beastiality, the last time i checked, is illegal. Now let the childish bickering this blog was built on, continue.

The Yellow Flash: Kind of like Robin but with more amazingness and less homosexuality.
posted by John at 8:07 PM

 
Five*****Star*****Collection
Five Stars of... Pre-marital Sex

Better Luck Tomorrow
That was better than Sex

Wow, this movie did everything for me. It had hi larious jokes from start to finish, full out nudity, a must, and it had a whole lot of racial stuff, which always provides hours of laughs. The movie wasnt all white all the time which was a nice change of pace. If any one was wondering why MC Hammer's name was in the thank you section of the credits it is because he donated money to keep the movie a float, mediforically speaking of course, the very notion of a floating movie is just absurd. I think someone should make a movie about it and they could call it "El Floating Movie" or in case you are the spanish illiterate " The Floating Movie" What a crazy story line... Moving on, the academic decathalon was the best part of the movie " I guess he just wasn't made for the academic decathalon" And the porn who could forget the porn, ah memories. The Ulra-Psuedo violence was a nice touch to the movie as a whole. John Cho is my favorite asian actor so it was nice to see him again, and the guy who played Virgil was brillant. This movie was flawed, most of the flaws came in the last act, where the movie slowed down. Now remember this is just 5 stars, i dont expect perfection. The fact is this is the best movie we have seen at the Palladium.
*****
posted by John at 5:07 PM

 
PLEASE NOTE: UPTOWN ENTERTAINMENT REQUIRES ID TO PURCHASE TICKETS FOR ALL "R" RATED FILMS

Haha a joke right, sadly it is not a joke, its not all a joke. The fact is a few employees are taking this crack down seriously, scarrrry stuff man. When will the horror stop, who initiated this nagasaki, will they do anal probes? Who died and gave them the right to do their jobs. So many question's, so little time.

First the facts out of the last 26 movies seen, 13 have been rated R. R movies in that time period have averaged .46 stars better than all others. Heres another fun fact, out of the last 45 movies reviewed, the average is rating is a 2.5 can you say consitant. I know i can. Dont worry its alright to bask in my reflected reviewing glory.

Many rumors have been floating around Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia as to why uptown entertainment became a facsist regime. One is there just cracking down on spring break and the balloon will burst with the overwhelming force that is mass entertainment. Surely only a fool would disallow access to The Matrix: Reloaded. Another is that stupid bitchy moms, no offence, have been complaining nonstop. whawha cry me a river, its a victimless crime. Quick here comes reality lets sheild are children from everything around them, so when their out on their own they get a serious mind fuck. One more is what i like to call the Dateline scenario. some news group is going to give palladium the image of anything goes, anyage, which i dont see as bad. I remember about a year ago i got asked what age i was at a PG-13 movie, what a joke that place is.

The fact is sadly the employees are finally doing there jobs, to are dismay. But why weren't they doing there jobs before, sadly i cant answer that question. Its like asking why didnt dave change that movie to sold out... no one will ever know. The good news is in a year it will all be over, no more of this. And i think we all know who is to blame for not getting into City of God, chris for not writing a review. Thank you chris.

The matter of writing on the blog is a fickle one, i have gotten alot of request for it so... im thinkin of makin a sister blog. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia will be super congested if it has more writers. So if your interested in writing for... i dont have a name for it yet, email me at dancinghans@hotmail.com. If your wondering "where's the review for Better Luck Tomorrow" no, i didnt forget. its coming but dont expect it soon. This is the Yellow Flash, signing off.

Every great crisis of human history is a pass of Thermopylae, and there is always a Leonidas and his three hundred to die in it, if they can not conquer.
posted by John at 2:53 PM

 
Identity

I guess its a case of selective recall.

Identity makes you think, a lot about a lot of things. I wouldnt go any farther if your going to see the movie 'cause it could spoil it for you. The fist two-thirds of the movie are your standard murder thriller deal and then bam, your world gets turned upside down. Not literally of course because then it would be quite hard to watch the movie... Moving on this movie did one cool things for me, all the murder became something less when the secret was revealed, it was like those people didnt matter, at all. Also if you didn't catch it, the guy in the freezer, was the actual person. That was a real nice touch, the whole he was dead when i got here so i just did what anyone would do, take over his business, or his mind. i believe the boy was actually him when the devastating trama happened, when his mind froze per se. And for the he based his the personalities after his murders, i think not because there were two convicts, which i dont see how he could kill. But chris may be saying what about that picture of the whore dead, i dont kno if it were the whore or not because the limodriver didnt recongize her. Anyways to my point, the personalities although made before, may have been altered after the killings to look like the people he killed, they touched on this in Twelve Monkeys. If you understood any of what i have said, good for you 'cause i know i dont know what the hell im talking about.
****/*****

April 26th-"Better Luck Tomorrow" (R)
May 2nd-"X²" (PG-13)
May 9th-"The Lizzie McGuire Movie" (R)
May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (R)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (TBA)
May 30th-"The Italian Job" (TBA)
June 6th-Party (NC-17)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)
posted by John at 2:17 PM

 
Anger Management

I beat her because, i love her!

This movie was a joke, and not a funny one, a corny been there done that joke. Half the jokes were in the previews, so the biggest jokes in the movie, got no laughs, at all. I pity this movie, whenever i did laugh it was because the movie tried so hard to be funny, but wasnt. Sad. I'll admit there were some amusing parts but they were so few and so far between. The plot was a stretch, the ending personally ruined the whole movie for me, not cool. This movie was all hype, and a little ignorance on the movie goers who are still flooding the theater. Adam Sandler hasnt made a good movie in the longest time, and i dont know if he has another good one in him
**/*****

April 25th-"Identity" (R)
April 26th-"Better Luck Tomorrow" (R)
May 2nd-"X²" (PG-13)
May 9th-"The Lizzie McGuire Movie" (R)
May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (TBA)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (TBA)
May 30th-"The Italian Job" (TBA)
June 6th-Party (NC-17)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)
Sometime Hopefully-"Confidence" (R)
posted by John at 2:58 PM

 
Holes

Yo Caveman look at this, STIGMATA!!

This movie was caliente, muy caliente. A coming to age story that was made uber-happy by the good opium dealing folks at disney. This is what i dont get, zero couldnt of been at the camp for more than a few days before stanley, and yet he is uber-used to the camp. i had the same problem with the book. The uber-happy ending was very much unnecessary, since the book has a happy ending to begin with. I was suprised by the fact that the movie retained much of the book, but it still was missing something... i dont know what it was missing, but it wasnt there. I dont think a better job could have been done making Holes into a movie, but i never saw Holes as being a movie.
***/*****

April 25th-"Identity" (R)
May 2nd-"X²" (PG-13)
May 9th-"The Lizzie McGuire Movie" (R)
May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (TBA)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (TBA)
May 30th-"The Italian Job" (TBA)
June 6th-Party (NC-17)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)
Whenever It Comes Out-"Better Luck Tommorow" (R)
posted by John at 2:02 PM

 
House of 1000 Corpses

More cushion for the pushin?

Alas, i am back again to review yet another movie. Against all odds, gangland warfare and christianty, we saw House of 1000 Corpses at... THE STAR... dun dun duh. There is no denying the fact that this movie was hilarious. Maybe it was just me, but this movie had everything i could want in a movie. I love music that is totally ironic, cant get enough of it. The jokes were SOLID, and i cant say enough about those pants. Only real fault in this movie was that it was... not scary, a little disturbing, but not scary. It didnt get under my skin, freak me out, push me to the edge of sanity and then dangle me there for a little... you know. Moving on, its been done, many times. Rob Zombie's lack of experience shows, and it sadly hurts the movie. But in the end it all boils down to... never trust a squirrel.
***/*****

April 18th-"Holes" (PG)
April 25th-"Identity" (R)
May 2nd-"X²" (PG-13)
May 9th-"The Lizzie McGuire Movie" (R)
May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (TBA)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (TBA)
May 30th-"The Italian Job" (TBA)
June 6th-Party (NC-17)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)
Whenever It Comes Out-"Better Luck Tommorow" (R)

posted by John at 7:58 PM

 
Five*****Star*****Collection
Five Stars of... Polygamy?

The Ten Commandments
I had the time of my life... and i owe it all to you.

Its a well known fact that if Jesus was on the earth right now, he would be Charlton Heston. If you dont believe me ask Mr. Price ,or do a little of the black & white, a little sno action, if u know what i mean. Ah the memories... when are class was denied the infinte pleasure of viewing this movie, because somebody was a little to doped up on sno, im looking at you. This epic makes you cry, laugh, love, hate and most of all cry again... sorry couldnt think of another emotion. Alas there truely is no emoticon for what i am feeling. Anyways back to the subject matter, my new nickname is... the yellow flash. Oops thats a different subject all together, was i talking about the addictive nature of sno? No thats tommorow's subject... so in conclusion, always give into peer pressure.
*****
posted by John at 5:04 PM

 
Spider

Is the first stage of grief pure unbridled joy?

I think Lisa said it best "He's not like anybody I've ever met. He's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest. He sure is ugly, though." Spider takes you inside the mind of a insane man, "and that bitch is slippin'" to quote Ice Cube. A series of flashbacks where Ralph reflects on his past, his seriously fucked up past. This is one of the only movies that i can think of that actually convinces me that being insane is not fun. Most movies just state someone is insane, and you must take their word. This movie shows you the insanity, and i must say its not the life of paradise that is protrayed in the movies. There is no denying this movie feels long, not realy boring just slow. This is not a movie you would see multiple times, the only sensible reason would be to see when exactly people change. Since insanity is defined as someone who does the same thing over and over, expecting the end result to change.
****/*****

April 18th-"Holes" (PG)
April 25th-"Identity" (R)
May 2nd-"X²" (TBA)
May 9th-"The Lizzie McGuire Movie" (R)
May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (TBA)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (TBA)
May 30th-"The Italian Job" (TBA)
June 6th-Party (NC-17)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)
Whenever It Comes Out-"Better Luck Tommorow" (R)
posted by John at 1:01 PM

 
April 11th-"House of 1000 Corpses" (R)
April 12th-"Better Luck Tommorow" (R)
April 18th-"Holes" (PG)
April 25th-"Identity" (R)
May 2nd-"X²" (TBA)
May 9th-"The Lizzie McGuire Movie" (R)
May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (TBA)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (TBA)
May 30th-"The Italian Job" (TBA)
June 6th-Party (NC-17)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)

Now since this is a little to complex for some people ive highlighted the main points of interest. Now upon inspection you will find on April 12th, a saturday we are seeing "Better Luck Tommorow". Thats right saturday, now we still are seeing a movie friday, that would be the movie above it "House of 1000 Corpses"

Now we move on to more pressing issues. On June 6th it says Party... now unless you are retard and cant put 2 and 2 together, you will have figured out Party is actually a party and as for the NC-17 rating, it will be strictly enforced. Location is undecided but will most likely include more than one house.
posted by John at 7:31 PM

 
Five*****Star*****Collection
Saving the World... Five Stars at a Time

Das Boot
I am not in the condition to fuck!

Wolfgang Peterson is to movies as Jesus is to God. You cant say one with out refering to the other. Now for a little clarification, the title is german and it roughly translates to... the boat. So lets recap this movie is about a boat, not about a giant mechanical boot that was created to kill the commies but eventually turns on its creators... oops i have said to much *cough* 2005 *cough*. This movie is as much fun for the illiterate as it is for the literate, those crazy germans always talking and whatnot. But lets be honest, you dont get the full experience unless you can read, albeit the sheanigans and goings' on are just as much fun if you dont kno whats going on. But when the tomfoolery stops and the laughter is replaced by cold, cold silence wat r u left with? Words my friends, words. I think this some it up best, "But i like it!"
*****
posted by John at 5:00 PM

 
Phone Booth

Hang up and try again

Lets get one thing straight, Kiefer Sutherland in all probability...a god. Right now you may be saying, you heretics i pray you burn in a eternal jet fueled fire with 72 goddamned whores. Its not like i have a little shrine in my room to Kiefer, or that i even worship him. Its that Kiefer has the coolest voice ever. (Note: 24 blows, Dark City rocks). And dont get me started on Forest. Anyways lets talk about the movie for a change... BORING is not the right word, i think the word im looking for is... action packed but short. Someone tell me why good ole Stu got the short end of the stick, he didn't even lead a bad life. And what was the Snipers motivation... is this his sick form of entertainment from which he derives his shits and giggles? I did not like the camera angles where huge portions of the screen were unused, i payed 8.50 to see the whole goddammed screen. All things considered this movie was entertaining, so it gets my recomendation. If anyone is wondering, the reason i didnt state any of the good is because im sure you will get enough of that from the other two resident reviewers.
***/*****

April 11th-"House of 1000 Corpses" (R)
April 18th-"Holes" (PG)
April 25th-"Identity" (R)
May 2nd-"X²" (TBA)
May 9th-"The Lizzie McGuire Movie" (R)
May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (TBA)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (TBA)
May 30th-"The Italian Job" (TBA)
June 6th-Party (NC-17)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)
posted by John at 7:50 PM

 
Five*****Star*****Collection
Five Stars of... HI-larious

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie
The secret government Eggo Project!

I first saw this movie when i was about nine... i practically died that day, of laughter, silly. This movie get funnier every time i watch, and you dont want to know how many times i have seen this movie, and if you do tough shit 'cause i lost count. I cant begin to mention the funniest parts of this movie because it would go on for pages. The movie is essentially a spoof of "This Island Earth", i do not recomend watching "This Island Earth". If you have ever seen the television show (sci-fi 10am satudays) you'll know wats going down, and if by some small chance you have deprieved yourself of everything good in this world and you are a communist and you have never seen Mystery Science Theater 3000 the television show. For those few, who the hindu's called untouchables, may God have mercy on your soul
*****
posted by John at 3:57 PM

 
Piglet's Big Movie

Damn It Feel Good To Be A Gangsta

Brillant. Fantastic. Short. All of these words are fine and good but can not begin to describe Piglet's Big Movie. I laughed, i cryed but not nessecarily in that order. Seriously though this movie was really funny. The jokes were nice and wholesome, but their was some serious sexual innuendo. The story also makes use of some crazy logic that chillins(children) and youngins(more of the same) might not understand. Its HARD to GRASP as they would say in the movies. This "movie" has gotten a bad "rap" with the so called "cool" kids, but we all know if the movie was called "Piglet's Goes Postal Ft. P to the Ooh" everyone would see it. Just rate it PG-13 and youve got a blockbuster on your hands. And it would consequently win Best Picture at the oscars, but i digress and as a great man once told me no one likes a wordsmith.
***/*****

April 4th-"Phone Booth" (R)
April 11th-"House of 1000 Corpses" (R )
April 18th-"Holes" (PG)
April 25th-"Identity" (R)
May 2nd-"X²" (TBA)
May 9th-"The Lizzie McGuire Movie" (R)
May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (TBA)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (TBA)
May 30th-"The Italian Job" (TBA)
June 6th-"Master & Commander: Far Side of the World" (TBA)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)
posted by John at 7:29 PM

 
Five*****Star*****Collection
Giving Out Hope, Five Stars at a Time

Y Tu Mama Tambien
Softcore Porn Has Never Had This Much Story

Their are no words in English or German to describe this movie, but in Spanish it is... impressivo. Another foreign film get's 5 stars? Damn straight, foriegn film are the sizznat. This movie follows two guys on their road trip with a babe, a spanish babe... rowwwwwr. You know the saying "their is so much sexual tension i could cut it with a knife"? This saying has nothing to do with this movie, cause the tension doesnt last long if you get my drift, if you dont, you're most likely retarded. My only real complaint was too many scenes with naked guys, i kno some people may like that, but im not crazy about it. In conclusion this movie change my life, and it did it in spanish
*****
posted by John at 5:55 PM

 
Dreamcatcher

A peaceful relocation to your planet... after the genocide of course.

This was how do you say it... dissapointing. Im sorry but the aliens didnt work for me. was one race of aliens retarded and the other british or was i mistaken. And wat was the point of the slugs, are they the aliens pet slaves or their own race intirely seperate from the grays. And is it just me or does every villain have to be from europien decent, what about canada or mexico. I am outraged by the lack of respect for the evildoers tha come out of both of these countries. For Shame. To be honest this movie wasnt scary, but it was entertaining. i wanted to know wat happened next, until i saw wat happened, then i wanted to forget about wat i saw. This all said Dreamcatcher was better than both The Hunted and Tears of the Sun, but not a star better.
**/*****

Final Flight of the Osiris

i peaked... who could blame you.

Now this was cool. Totally worth the price of admission. While the animation and character models were amazing, the voice acting was not to my expectation. The fight scene left little to the imagination, and you know how i hate the imagination. i cant wait for the animatrix to come out on dvd... oh boy oh boy oh boy. 5 million dollars to make this 10 minute short boggles the mind. the sentinal army was a-maze-ing it was like shock and awe. crazy stuff.
****/*****

March 28th-"The Core" (PG-13)
April 4th-"Phone Booth" (TBA)
April 11th-"House of 1000 Corpses" (R )
April 18th-"Holes" (PG)
April 25th-"Identity" (R)
May 2nd-"X²" (TBA)
May 9th-"The Lizzie McGuire Movie" (R)
May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (TBA)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (TBA)
May 30th-"The Italian Job" (TBA)
June 6th-"Master & Commander: Far Side of the World" (TBA)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)

Questions?Comments?Suggestion?
im me at pebbley666
posted by John at 7:30 PM

 
Five*****Star*****Collection
Five Star's of Ultra-Violent Fun

Reservoir Dogs
Answering The Questions of Life, That Nobody Asked.

Quentin Tarantino's directoral debut is a big one. Reservoir Dogs was one of the fisrt ultra-violent movies, that are so common today. Complete with great dialogue that funny when it needs to be and funny when it doesnt need to be. This movie uses some crazy angle to give it a little style. The best part of this movie is the action is a appetizer to the entree that is the movie, it doesnt need to be there but you know you want it. Unlike today's crop which places action in front of the everything, even in front trailers, so you wont get bored. Even if you havent seen the movie you have most likely seen some sort of parody or at least a reference to the movie, their all over the place. My favorite has to be the Itchy & Scratchy take on the torture seen. Look for it next time in the Sherri Bobbins episode. NO LOVE STORY, i cant stress how much this helped, i dont want to see the hero kill the bad guys and then get with the girl. Which brings me to my final point, the ending of this movie, as in life, is not happy.
*****
posted by John at 4:45 PM

 
forgot :/
we are seeing Dreamcatcher, no questions asked period.

March 21st-"Dreamcatcher" (TBA)
March 28th-"The Core" (PG-13)
April 4th-"Ripley's Game" (R)
April 11th-"House of 1000 Corpses" (PG-13 )
April 18th-"Holes" (PG)
April 25th-"Identity" (R)
May 2nd-"X²" (TBA)
May 9th-"The Lizzie McGuire Movie" (R)
May 16th-"The Matrix Reloaded" (TBA)
May 23rd-"Bruce Almighty" (TBA)
May 30th-"The Italian Job" (TBA)
June 6th-"Master & Commander: Far Side of the World" (TBA)
June 13th-"Hollywood Homicide" (TBA)
June 20th-"The Hulk" (TBA)

posted by John at 3:28 PM